Today was interesting and bad. It was interesting because for the first time, I was at Starbucks and there was a mentally ill guy there just ranting on all the customers, mumbling something and he was asked to leave but didn’t. he just took his jacket off and told the guy next to him this is going to get interesting for the next 30 mins. The manager of the store decided to call the cops. I was in the middle of an email and said god only knows what as all this was going on and left the store. I wasn’t hanging around to find out what this guy had up his sleeve.
I had ordered a plain latte to try it out. Never again. It was so plain, LOL. I went across the street and had lunch at McD’s. I really wanted a big Mac. Then decided to go home so hell can start. I had to go to the bathroom by the time I got home. Because my nerve condition affects my bowels, it’s hard to go sometimes and today was the mother load. I felt like I was trying to push out a tuba but only rabbit turds came out. The hardness caused some bleeding and I thought great, I’m bleeding from the front and back now as I still have my fucking menses till god knows when! My mother decides she has to go so I had to hurry up. I ended up getting stuff everywhere, rushing so my mother doesn’t end up peeing herself. I never had a day like today. And it still is wicked humiliating to me. The psychache just too much. I just am so numb, well emotionally. Right now my feet are doing a cramping dance because they are cold despite warm socks. I just hate that I can’t go to the bathroom like I did before all this CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) entered my life. I feel really bad because I NEVER had shit on the bathroom floor before but there must have been some stuff there after I wiped and I didn’t know so when I got up it fell on the floor. Luckily my mother didn’t notice it or I would have said I stepped in dog shit (even though clearly there was no shit on my shoes). I just want to die from embarrassment.
To say that today has been a shitty day is an understatement. But this is the life I live now. My nerves no longer tell me where my stool is. Half the time I go pee and hear plunk. My biggest fear is when I have loose stool. That is when I really have no control. The hardest part is that I wanted to tell someone but I had no one to really tell. I belong to a support group and could have gone there but lately all my post there have been negative and I know they would have understood but I just feel like a burden to them because I need their support sometimes too much lately. And it’s not like I can explain it to my family. They would freak out and I know there would be that awkward day where my mother would ask if I shit myself today because she thinks it’s being supportive. But it’s not. I hate telling her anything about my condition. She blames me for having my surgery, even though it was an emergency. I had no choice. It was either surgery or never walk again. The second time I didn’t tell them why. It was because I was losing control of my bladder. I also had wicked bad leg pain. My surgeon was surprised I was still able to walk with the disc material in my spine where it shouldn’t be. I still have the pics on my private Facebook page to show my fellow CESers the material. Normally you can’t get that stuff but because I worked in the path dept at the time, I knew who to talk to about getting it. I wanted to see for myself what it looked like. This was only for my second diagnosis. My first one I missed the disc by a few days. It’s like having a trophy but also a reminder of what these buggers can do when they get wrapped up in your nerves when they shouldn’t. I had one disc fragment embedded in my L3 nerve for a few days. I lost use of my left leg and it took months of rehab to get it back. Too bad it didn’t help my foot drop on the same side. I never learned to walk correctly or if I did, it was only when I was a fatigued that I would not. It’s so hard knowing now that I am not working whether being stationary is helping or not. I know I did a lot of walking today and it felt good but now I am paying the price with cramps in my feet.
midnightdemons7 