Month: April 2013

the baseball game and depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up early this morning. I only had six hours of sleep. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I even took meds to make me sleepy and I am still awake. I keep on having the same bad dream over and over. I wish I knew what it was about but it eludes me.

Tonight I am going to the Red Sox game. They are playing the Astros. First time that they are playing them in the American League as the Astros were on the National League until this year. The record is opposite of ours, 7-14. I hope we whip their ass tonight. I haven’t been to Fenway in so long. It is going to be awesome going back there.

I plan on getting my hair cut today. I have nothing better to do than to do that. It has been a month since my last cut and it is pretty long, longer than I like. Hopefully after the cut I will feel better. I still feel down in the dumps despite having excitement for the baseball game. I am kind of worried that my ankle is going to be messed up but that is ok. I will have a few days to rest it afterwards. Already my ankle is throbbing. I hope it doesn’t get any worse.

I have been meaning to write about my songs and what they mean to me. I still have not done that. I just don’t feel like writing these days and it gets me down. I feel like I have to write something emotional to feel better but it has not happened in quite a long time. It’s like I am guarded but I don’t know why I am so guarded. I have tried free association but it only gets me so far. I have not even written in my journal the past few days because I have the fuck its. I wish I was talking with my therapist today but she is busy and only spending half a day in the office. It is frustrating for me because we normally have a 13:30 appointment and today we don’t because her child has a half day at school. Which messes up both our schedules. I can’t see her and she can’t see me. GGRRRR But I already saw her twice this week so I should be ok. I am to text her updates on things. I think after the ball game I might go into the hospital. I just feel like I need something extra, to be in the land of security. I just hope that I don’t get set off to McLean again. I like it there but they really mess up my meds big time and no matter how many times I tell them how I take them don’t fix it until I get discharged. Besides that, having your menses while inpatient is no fun. Not saying that having them is, but it just is a hassle because you share a common bathroom and there isn’t a waste basket near you so you have to go out after doing your business with your product to throw it away. It just sucks. I wish I could say I will go in after my menses but I don’t know when the menses will stop.

Just came home from the game. I should be happy that I was at Fenway. I should be happy my boys won 7-2. I should be happy that I ate a Fenway Frank. But I am not. I am so depressed that you can feel that ache. I feel like crawling under a rock and staying there for an eternity. I don’t know why I feel like this. Nothing happened to make me feel like this. My ankle is wicked sore and painful but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. It is not unbearable. What is unbearable is the ache in my chest that won’t go away. I just feel so downhearted it’s not funny. And worse of all is that there is nothing I can do to stop it from hurting. There is no pill I can take to make it go away. Tonight I am wishing for death and hoping it comes and takes me away.

piece of glass in the heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Been in a numb mood most of the day. I tried to explain to my therapist what I was feeling and that I wanted to be left alone and she asked what does that mean. I told her I just wanted to deal with things on my own and she didn’t buy it. She wants me to write but I have no interest in writing. I just write these blogs to have something to say and maybe get something going but it hasn’t been working. I have been hoping my blog would open up what is inside of me but for the past few weeks I don’t feel like it has been doing much good. I know that people from around the world have been reading the stuff I wrote about Cauda Equina. Today Germany read my blog. I feel like I am an international writer.

I just feel like crap inside. I can’t really explain it. Today was the memorial service for Sean Collier, the MIT police officer that was shot to death by the bombers last week. There still has been no motive for killing him. I have been choked up with tears. He was so young and I envy him being death. I would gladly take his place if I could to ease the suffering of his family. I have been crying most of the day, and not little sobs. Just big crying for no reason. The news of his memorial service was the beginning and then I just cried. I couldn’t hold it in. Course this was after my therapy appointment. I don’t know why I am crying so much. My therapist says that I have PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the events of last week. I know I have some symptoms of it but I don’t think it is full blown. I just am scared still. I know the people have been caught but there is no guarantee that there is someone else out there planning to do the same thing, or worse.

In addition to the crying, I also have been numb. I just don’t feel anything. I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings but it is no use. I am out of touch with them. I know I am depressed. I also have been thinking about death again, if anything just as an escape of what I am feeling. I feel numb but it is a hurting kind of numb. It’s hard to explain and I know that doesn’t make sense. How can being numb hurt? I don’t know but I do hurt inside and it is wicked deep. If I stop to think about it I can’t breathe. It’s too overpowering. Like Casey James described in one of his songs, it is like a piece of glass in the heart.

cold and rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Just had my session with my therapist and now I feel really down. I thought that talking about the week’s events would help but instead it just brought me down. I am supposed to go out tonight to have dinner with friends. I really don’t feel up to it. I can make the excuse of my foot bothering me but I need to go out. I have to stop spending so much time at home.

I don’t know how I became such a hermit. I guess having nothing to do all day will do that. I need to take a shower today. I have decided that I will take one every other day. I took a pain pill and now all I want to do is sleep.

I finished my paper for the AAS blog. I still don’t know when it will get published. I am hoping it will soon. I am really worked hard on this paper to get the word out on what it means to be in a collaborative therapy.

It’s cold and windy and rainy today. I really don’t want to go out in this weather. I just hate it. And I know it is only going to get colder tonight.

Just read on twitter that the Associated Press’s twitter account got hacked and sent reports that the White House got bombed. People are so fucking stupid. I don’t understand why they have to hack people’s accounts. I just don’t see the fun in it at all. Then I read in my support group, yahoo is still fucked up. They still haven’t fixed their hacking. Only way to do it is by telling them your account has been compromised to change your password to a strong one.

Tonight is difficult. I am in pain emotionally and physically. I got the stupid menses tonight. I thought I was bleeding but didn’t know for sure. Now I know and I hate it. I can’t stand being in this predicament. I hate having to wear women’s clothes again because boxer short just can’t hold feminine products. I am beside myself with anger that this has happened, again. I got to call the damn endo doc tomorrow and be like WTF!!! Just when I thought everything was going back to normal again and I could progress to my transgender issues this sets me back! I am so pissed…

still depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Had a productive day today. I worked on a paper and feel ok with it. My printer cooperated with printing it out so I can go over it for typos not picked up by spell-check (e.g., fro instead of for). I also added a little bit to it so I felt it was a complete paper.

Other than that I have been feeling off. I feel really sleepy since I woke up early in pain and then didn’t go back to sleep with the pain meds. The temperature has dropped so I am again hurting.

My therapist is back today. I was hoping for a time to talk with her but doesn’t look likely that she has an opening for today. I talk with her tomorrow. We have lots to talk about as I had some bad dreams last night about the bombings. I kept seeing the images of the shootout and the bomb going off at the finish line. I just couldn’t get the images out of my head. I guess that is why I woke up so early. Today we were supposed to have a minute of silence at 14:50 but I forgot to set my alarm so missed it. I hope that everyone affected ends up being ok. I still am on guard. Yesterday I saw a hummer and couldn’t help but think that there were armed guards inside. That is the type of week I have been going through, I am afraid to leave my house and go out. I haven’t been out since last night, to go for dinner with my family to celebrate my niece’s birthday.

I also have been afraid to leave the house because I don’t want to upset my ankle. I cannot believe that I still have tendonitis in it. I just want to scream.

This week is the annual conference for the American Association of Suicidology. I so wanted to go but didn’t have the financial means of getting there. I didn’t have a good experience last time I was there so it kind of foreboded me going this year. I hope to attend next year’s but I don’t think I will be able to as it is in California. I can’t wait for the conference to be back in Boston. I think it might be the year after this one, in 2015. Least I am hoping it will be.

I started reading a new book called the Team of Rivals. Part of the book is the base for the movie Lincoln. I had to buy it because I am such a Lincoln fanatic. I have a good library going on Lincoln. He is one of my favorite presidents.

Mood wise I have not been so great. Partly because of what happened last week and partly because I just was down, even though my Red Sox were doing good. I just feel out of sorts. I wish I could say my appetite has suffered but it hasn’t. Not that I am eating more, just not the right foods. I have been eating more junk food because I say why bother. I got to get back to my cereal diet. I need to lose at least fifteen to twenty pounds. That is my goal but it is so hard it depresses me. I then fall into the cycle and it just hurts. What is more depressing is that every time I see my PCP he brings my weight up. I can’t stand it and I am embarrassed by it. I hate being this heavy and I wish I had the will power to not eat junk food but when you don’t care for living, why care what you are eating?