Month: April 2013

Boston Marathon Tragedy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was starting to be a great day. My beloved Sox won again to sweep the Rays but then I changed the channel a few minutes later to find my home town was bombed at the Boston Marathon finish line. I have been going through tough emotions since. How dare someone do this on a day like today? Today is Patriot’s day in Boston. A day where we normally have our marathon and wait until the last runner from Hopkinton 26.2 miles away crosses the finish line. But today it was chaos. And my heart is broken. An eight year old lost her life because of someone’s hatred. She was one of the two dead at the scene. There are now as I am typing this 57 injured.

The streets they are talking about I once walked down proudly in my youth. I used to go to college around the corner from Copley, the marathon’s finish line. Every year that T stop closes. And now with the upcoming days, it will remain closed because the area is now a crime scene. How I wish the crime scene investigators of NY and Vegas and the Criminal Minds of the FBI were here to solve who did it. I bet we would have answers faster than we have them now. But that is television, where you get your answers in an hour. It’s been nearly fours since this has happened and no one is closer to finding out who did this. Cell phone reception in the area is cut off for fear of another bomb going off. Nobody is in custody. I doubt there will be if this was a professional hit. They probably already took off as the airports didn’t shut down until two hours later. But I ramble. I’m rambling because if I talk about my great city, I will start crying again.

suicide ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today was not a good day. I got hit with pain early this morning and I couldn’t go anywhere. While I was watching the baseball games I started knuckling my calf muscle to take the knots out of it. It helped the pain along with pain meds. I tried stretching my calf but it still would not get loose. But the pain is gone now so I am glad it is. Now I just got to remember what I did so that the next time pain hits that part of my leg I know what to do.

I wrote a paper today, again on the Aeschi model. You will hear me talk about this because it is essential to get the word out for people who are suicidal. I believe in this model because it is so straight forward and humane. I also talk about CAMS but even though I know more about the assessment of CAMs than I do about the actual CAMS model. CAMS is Collaborating And Managing Suicidality.

Yesterday was a big day for me. The blog that I write for, What Happens Now, http://attemptsurvivors.com/ , was put into print for the Associate Press on suicide attempt survivors. It made the news and the sad part is that I cannot share it with my family. I am somewhat saddened by this. I can share this with my friends and the internet world but I can’t share it with those I live with. It is sad. But I chose to not share it because I am afraid it will lead to questions about my own suicidality and I cannot bare the thought of sharing this information with my family. It’s bad enough when my Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior journal comes in, I get the glances of disgust. Suicide is not a topic of interest in my house like it is an interest of mine, if only because I think about it nearly every day.

Suicide has been an interest of mine since I was young. Now at nearly thirty years later and I don’t know how many attempts, I still think it is the only way out of my suffering. I have made a date this year that if things aren’t improved, I will go through with it. I can’t help but think that being dead is the answer to my problems. I know that people say that suicide is the permanent solution to temporary problem, but my leg pain and depression are not temporary. I have to live with this the rest of my life and if I choose not to, isn’t it my choice? Don’t I have the right to die if I so choose? I am not saying that I will commit suicide tomorrow but it is in the distant future that I will die. I am not promised tomorrow, no one is. I just think that I don’t have a purpose with my life. And a lifetime of being in chronic physical pain is not appealing to me. I just can’t go on knowing that every day I will be in some kind of pain that has no end. Or the fact that I have to be on pain medication for the rest of my life. I just can’t fathom that. I worry that one day I will be denied the medication because I have been on them for so long. I just can’t risk that happening. I am scared of that happening. I’m also afraid of people not believing that I am depressed because I joke around so much. I’m sorry that I have a sense of humor. It has helped me with my depression more than anything. If I didn’t have it, I told my psychiatrist, she had permission to commit me somewhere. My heart is so dark at times I can’t stand it. I feel like it should stop beating because I feel so dead inside. And this goes on day after day. There is no relief. I never feel alive and joyful. Just sad and despairing.

more about nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Watched the baseball game. It went to the 10th inning and my boys came through. They beat the Rays 2-1. It was the first extra innings game this season they won so I am hopeful for the season. The Sox improve to 6-4 and still are leading in the AL East.

Was happy to get an email about the blog I write for the American Association of Suicidology has made the news http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SUICIDE_SURVIVORS?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2013-04-13-12-09-11.
It was good to see something come off of the hard work of the AAS president, Michelle Linn Gust to get the blog underway and now we have a voice.

It is not even six o’clock yet and I am exhausted. All I did today was run to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and go up and down the stairs a few times to help my mother with some groceries. I have been up since seven. Seems I cannot sleep later than that. And I even stayed up late too. I didn’t go to bed until around midnight, after watching Lincoln and reading for a bit afterwards. I kept on going on twitter and facebook to wait for my meds to kick in.

Last night my foot acted weird because of the CRPS, complex regional pain syndrome. It got really cold, like ice and really painful. I put on some socks that were heavy and still my foot was cold even under my blankets. My bones were hurting really bad and if I had a chain saw, I probably would have used it to amputate. That is how bad the pain got. Then after it warmed up, it really warmed up. It got really hot and felt like it was on fire. I had to take the sock off and leave my foot hanging off the bed away from the sheets and blankets because it just was burning me. Nerve pain acts this way. The doctors don’t really understand why this happens. I am seeing a specialist on Tuesday to talk about this. I really hope she can give me some answers. All I can take is pain medication to soothe it or use a gel to try and calm it down some but touching it hurts like hell, which makes it difficult to use the gel sometimes. I find that oral meds work well for this type of pain, but the problem is that most doctors don’t want to prescribe it. I have not run into problems but I know I will soon enough. I’ll get the opioid speech how it is not good to be on these meds long term. But I have been on these meds for almost a decade now and aside from constipation which I control with some senna, I have no other side effects. It might make me drowsy but it’s not like I am operating machinery or driving like I used to. Now I just take these meds when the pain flairs up, which will be again tonight. Every night I am in this horrible pain but it’s never the same. Some times it is bone crushing, other times it is a burning sensation like my foot is on fire. Other times it feels like a barbed wire is surrounding my foot ready to be garroted. I can’t say what will be in store for me tonight after going up an down the stairs four times in a row this evening. I am not looking forward to it and there is no sense in taking the meds early. The pain hit unexpectedly, when I least expect it to so I can’t judge a good time. That is the most frustrating this about this condition. I have a HIGH pain tolerance and it usually isn’t until a pain is an 8-9 that I will feel it. Right now it is simmering on a 4-5 on a scale of 1-10. I have heavy thermal socks on to prevent it from getting cold because it is still winter in New England. My house is cold because my mother doesn’t want to pay a large gas bill, which we shouldn’t have to turn the heat on in the middle of April anyways!! So I try and protect my foot from getting cold anyway I can. But sometimes even having socks on will not prevent my foot temperature from dropping. My left will be cold as ice and my right a balmy 98.6. I hate this condition and wish I never got it but I got to learn to live with it and that is the hardest part.

ramblings 35

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

It’s a cold day today. Monday was just a tease of spring. Today we have snow like conditions. Tonight’s baseball game has been cancelled due to rain. I am upset because now I have nothing to watch. Maybe I will watch Lincoln again tonight.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her I felt bad that I neglected her in my book and wrote a few pages about her today. I wanted to write more but I had to catch the bus. I will work on it more tomorrow. It is important that I try and capture the alliance piece because without it, I doubt that I would be seeing her. And as she said, that would be a lost opportunity.

I had two cups of coffee today and right now I feel like I could take a nap. I have been up since seven this morning so it already has been a long day as it’s almost six in the evening now. I haven’t had supper yet and plan on making grilled cheese as it’s National Grilled Cheese day. Who knew?

I have not had real thoughts of killing myself today. I tossed the idea around like I usually do every day and often wonder what it would be like to be dead but that is as far as I got. I didn’t make any plans. I have been in pain today because of the walking in going to my appointment. But right now it’s a tolerable level. I just have to be careful going up and down the stairs tonight. Because that motion aggravates my foot. It does not like it.

I’m listening to Luke Bryan as I am writing this. I love his voice. I just downloaded (legally) his newest song “crash my party”. I heard it at the ACMs and loved it. I am so glad that he released it. I thought it might be on his summer break album but it’s not. He is just an amazing person. In other news, I was saddened by Sugarland’s extended maternity leave. I miss listening to Sugarland. I LOVE Jennifer Nettles. She also has an amazing voice.

Today is the first day my therapist is away. For the first time in twelve years I am nervous. But my psychiatrist is there in case something should come up. I am don’t know why I am nervous. It’s not like she has never been away before. Usually I welcome her vacations as it gives me a break but this time it just sucks. I have been working on the Aeschi model and it just makes so much sense with the way my alliance is with my therapist. I know I will survive a week without her, and I also know I will text her every other day to give her an update. She is a looney tune for wanting these updates, though she is not going to be in an area that has reception. I’ll send the texts anyways because I fear that if she doesn’t hear from me she might get worried. Part of the agreement we have is to constantly be in touch with her. She always wants to know what is going on with me and sometimes I just want to be left alone. This time I will be left alone as there isn’t a way for her reach me should I need a check in. She doesn’t have anyone covering her while she is away. But I should be ok. I don’t know why I am nervous though. I guess I rely on her so much lately that knowing she is not there troubles me somehow? I just hope that I can continue to write like I have. It would really suck if I stop writing. Then something is really wrong with me…