Wicked agitated and pissed off
I emailed my psychiatrist what was running through my head. Next thing I know, she is calling me. She wants to know if I want to go to the hospital. I am like no. The voices are telling me to do things and the hospital just will dope me up. I don’t want that. She is like “so”. I got really annoyed. I told her I wasn’t going to the hospital. Next she tells me to page her from now on. I guess email is off limits to my psychosis. Great. She wants to be paged in the middle of the night, she got it. I don’t care. I don’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping.
I got really sad this evening and I don’t know why. Then the voices started telling me to take my pills, all of them. I have been agitated and afraid to do anything. I took a trilafon and some Ativan to calm down. I told my psych that. She was happy that I took the trilafon. She doesn’t know about the Ativan because I took it after we got off the phone. I was so nervous I did something wrong. I am literally shaking inside. And the voices are just so fucking loud. I had to shut the music I was listening to off because It was confusing me.
I was on Twitter on my phone to try and distract myself but the feed was so slow. No one was tweeting fast enough for my brain. Then the words started doing their dance. I felt like calling my psychiatrist back. I am scared if I do she might tell me or force me to go to the hospital. I just need to ride out this night. I just took my meds and more Ativan. It was a compromise because I planned on taking some damn abilify to get back on fucking track.
I really thought I was keeping her posted. I didn’t think what I was saying was alarming, I really didn’t. Now I feel like an idiot. I think that is what is making me feel so agitated. I have no idea if this is making sense or not so if it’s not, I apologize. Being psychotic you think weird things. And the damn bombing in Istanbul didn’t help my delusions and paranoia. It’s feeding into me wanting to kill myself. I feel like I have to but I can’t let anyone know. I just need to work out a plan but it involves walking and I can’t fucking walk so WTF am I going to do. I just need some time to work out this plan. It will work this time, I hope anyways.
Sox are finally winning a game. PoorFellow is still sucky but he is keeping the score on the winning side of things. Got to give him an A for trying.
So much anxiety. So much tension. So many voices. They are all telling me to keep taking pills. I am very psychotic, more psychotic than I have ever been before and I am scared. If I tell anyone, a professional, I will be hospitalized. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. They just want to give me more pills than what I take. It’s been three weeks that I have been off the abilify. Maybe I should go back on it. I don’t know. I am scared to ask my psychiatrist. I am hoping the meds I took tonight will knock me out. I can’t read because words are dancing on the page. I will write in my journal for a little bit. The Ativan and trilafon should be enough to make me sleepy. Shit, now I am feeling really anxious. This isn’t like me to be anxious but I am so scared of the voices. They are really angry and I don’t know why. They are arguing with themselves. This is what I live with on a daily basis, since stopping the abilify.
Being in pain wasn’t helpful. They wanted me to cut my foot off but I didn’t. I haven’t taken any pain meds since I came home. I don’t think I will need any before bed time. I don’t know if the mix of all these drugs will be. Maybe I won’t take my pain meds, unless I am really hurting, but I don’t want my pain level to sky rocket. It’s a tough predicament I am in. Maybe I will wait till midnight. That is a few hours from now, if I am still up.
I almost feel catatonic. But I am writing so I know that I am not. I am just so scared that I might hurt myself. I don’t know if I can keep fighting the voices like this. I know the hospital will kill me. It will be a defeat. I can’t allow that to happen.