rough therapy session

Rough therapy session

I had a rough therapy session where all we did was talk about my suicidal feelings and the blog that I wrote yesterday. I also told her about getting a call from my psychiatrist. She doesn’t want me emailing her about my psychosis and I am to page her from now on. My therapist wanted me in the hospital but I don’t want to go. I really just want to die and be left alone to do it. We talked about that. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I seriously don’t want to get doped up. I have been taking the trilafon as needed. I will page my doc tomorrow to get more as I only have four left. It’s not going to enough to get me through the weekend.

My therapist also wants me to toss the means I have or to give it to someone I trust. I don’t trust anyone so that will leave the dumping to me. She wants me to text her when I have done it. I am struggling with this big time because this screws up my plan. I may never have an opportunity like this again. And I will kick myself for getting rid of these means. It doesn’t mean I won’t have other means available, but what I have is considerably less lethal. I am also scared that if I go to the hospital with them knowing or me telling them the voices are telling me take all my pills, it might cause problems with my pain medication like it has in the past. Granted my PCP isn’t around anymore and I am being followed by a nurse practitioner, but still, the threat is there. I would seriously hate to have my pills restricted because of some idiot thinking I will OD on them, when I know what will kill me and what won’t. If I want to really fuck up my liver, I just need a bottle of 500 count Tylenol, handy at any pharmacy or store that sells drugs. That is more lethal than what I have in my stocks. Plus it will wreck your liver more than kills you in the process so I don’t want that.

We did some Crisis Response planning. I don’t think I will do anything other than possibly page my psychiatrist. My therapist said she is going away and she doesn’t have coverage so it’s either the psych or the ER as my options. And this is a holiday weekend so it would not be good to get admitted.

I need to somehow take a shower today. I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help with the itchy scalp. It was expensive but my rewards at Walgreens paid off so it only came to be around a buck. Now I got to start rebuilding my points. I still feel out of sorts today. I just took a trilafon to quiet the noise a little bit so I could possibly read. It’s been awfully noisy in my head the past few days that I can’t read. I have a stack of books that are waiting to be read and I can’t get through the ones I have started. I found out today that my favorite author Neil Gaiman is coming out with a new book in February. It’s about mythology. It sound very interesting. He is the only author I know that produces at least two books a year. I wish I could write like that. But then, I am not the creative genius he is. I got my AP Stylebook today. I have been waiting forever for it to see what it is like and stuff but today I don’t have the energy to thumb through it.

I really don’t have the energy to do anything today. I just want to die. I hope my heart stops beating. I just don’t want to live anymore. I feel like crap, like my soul has been sucked out of me. I still feel like I can go ahead with my plan tomorrow and no one would be the wiser. But I made a promise and I always stick to my promises.

any thoughts?

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