another day, another flare up

I met with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I forgot to tell her about the musical hallucinations I have been getting. I will probably email this information to her later today. Things went okay, walk wise. I am kind of upset that my PCP’s office didn’t call me until I was on my way home, saying that the paperwork I needed was ready to be picked up. Now I need to go Monday to get it. Sucks.

She did a mini neuro exam to make sure my nerves were intact. She again stressed that she was concerned about side effects from the trilafon because it was a first generation drug and that I have been taking it more regularly. I understand the concern but I am not worried about it. I have been on this drug a long time and know the limits of it. As long as I don’t take more than 8 mg a day, I should be fine. She still wants me to take just 4 mg but I explained to her that sometimes it just doesn’t cover the agitation and voices or the musical hallucinations that I have. I also try to just take it at night but I sometimes need it during the day because I do get paranoid when I take the public transportation system. I did surprisingly well today, though I felt “stuck” as a monster stroller pretty much kept me in my seat at the last stop. I had to wait for that passenger to get off before I could get off. I didn’t panic, which was good.

Before I went to my appointment, I went to Starbucks and wrote the stuff I needed to write for the Adler chapter. I plan on writing the email once I finish this blog. It didn’t take me long as I just had a few suggestions and comments. While I was there, my ankle was being a pain so I took some pain meds. I just had coffee as my funds were low so I couldn’t get something to eat. I wasn’t that hungry anyways. I finally did have something when I came home. My mother made my favorite, asparagus and eggs. I ate it plain, without bread. Mostly because we are still out. I swear when I get paid I am buying more than I usually do and freezing the extra so we have it for the month. Also need to get Italian bread. Last night I went online to order groceries. My cart was $0 and within 5 mins, it went up to $140. That is my typical spending spree. I only shop once a month so that is my monthly shopping bill.

Last night I tweeted via direct message a friend of mine because I was feeling low and like a hypocrite for being in the suicide prevention arena yet feeling wicked suicidal. He told me I wasn’t and that he loved me. Then he read my last blog and got worried. I had gone back to sleep so I didn’t get the message until I woke up a couple of hours later. I replied while waiting at the bus stop. He was thankful for it.

Because I have been very inactive most of the week and just filling up on pain meds, my bowels were stuck. They were finally set free today and thank god they were hard or I would have had an accident coming home. I am really glad I didn’t stop at Walgreens to pick up my scripts. I never would have made it home without pooping my pants. It would have killed me. Because my ankle acted up while I was going back to my room after eating, I am not planning on going back out until Monday. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. The sad thing is that I can’t bear weight on my foot or ankle. It’s too painful. My psych asked if my pain meds were adequate and I told her they were. But I needed to take them around the clock in order to get relief. If I am not in so much pain, I usually don’t. This week has been so bad, that I have had to. I know I probably should take the stronger pain med because it works better and kills the pain for longer periods than my regular pain meds but it’s wicked constipating. Even though I have been taking senna and fiber pills, I was backed up.

I’m really glad I decided not to go to PT. It would have really caused a worse flare up and I don’t think I would be able to stand it. It’s bad enough that I am hanging by a thread and that thread keeps getting thinner and thinner as time goes on. One day it’s just not going to be there anymore. And that is when I say sayonara.

I told my psych that I was tempted to page her at 3 in the morning the night I could barely sleep because I was in so much pain. She said she would have answered the page. That is good to know because I really needed someone to talk to at that hour. She said that I should find a west coast buddy. I laughed because a west coast friend did contact me but unfortunately, my meds had started to take effect finally and I was on my way to dreamland (three hours later).

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to another day, another flare up

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    thinking of you. its good to know your psychiatrist is available in the middle of the night should you need her. Sorry the pain is so bad. xx

  2. Jackie says:

    I limit pain meds for the same reason! It is rough having to choose between being backed up or being in more pain. I have considered time released pain meds for better pain control, but I like the control over dosing the instant release gives me.

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