Saturday Blog 61
I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.
I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/
Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.
There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.
College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.
I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.