Voices and pain are keeping me up

Voices and pain are keeping me up

I have taken the trilafon for the voices and the pain meds for my pain but I am still restless. I am not in a lot of pain but I just feel agitated. The voices keep changing the lyrics of the songs I am listening to. If they have anything to do with death, they want me to kill myself. I am very annoyed that the two doses of trilafon that I took has had no effect on the voices and my head is full of noise.

One of the songs I heard tonight was “No Surprise” by Daughtry. I keep thinking of my plan and how it should be no surprise that I will die. I have been talking of ending my life for years now. It’s not like it is a fresh idea that came to my head.

Away from the Sun is now playing… It’s perfect because I am so far down away from the sun that shines into the darkest place. But the thing is that I am not feeling so down. I am actually happy that I have made this decision to end my life, voices or no voices. I am under siege of pain and I cannot take it anymore. The pain is driving me and ending what little resources I have left to fight. It’s taken my job away from me. It’s taken my quality of life away. I cannot brush my damn teeth any more because of pain. I cannot take long showers because I cannot stand more than 10 minutes at a time without my back cramping up on me or my ankle killing me. What kind of life is that?

It really sucks that the voices tonight haven’t responded to my medication tonight. I might need another dose. Music has helped with drowning out the voices. It’s the only thing that really helps, even though it risks having more musical hallucinations, which are not fun. I changed my music genre tonight to alternative 90s rock rather than country music.

I am just going to leave without a trace. No one will know and that is the important thing. I am scare that I will be rescued. I haven’t worked out the details of my death. It’s still hazy. But I have time. I won’t go unless I have finished writing my suicide note that I started.

I started writing my suicide note but I am having trouble with it. I still haven’t thought about what to write, really. I know no one is to blame for my death. My doctors have done the best they can to try and help me and I appreciate all they have done for me over the years. But the demons are too strong. The QOL is just not there anymore and it is making me feel really depressed. I can’t deal anymore. Game over. Do not collect $200, do not pass go. I am in jail without a get out of jail free card.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Voices and pain are keeping me up

  1. G. Collerone says:

    Thank you for your kind words. I still have time to reconsider my decision. It is not an easy choice to make.

  2. Jackie says:

    Please don’t kill yourself. It is understandable why you feel how you feel. It is unfair and cruel that music, something that previously helped you during these times, has now also been taken over by the voices. It is heartbreaking a medication that used to be the answer now seems to be doing next to nothing.

    However, I and so many others would miss you if you killed yourself. You have so much to offer the world. You communicate what it is like to live your conditions in a way I have never seen before. The blending of your firsthand experience, scholarly knowledge, and way with words is very special. I won’t say it gets easier because I don’t know that it does, but I do think your life is worth living. I hope you come to the same conclusion, or maybe give yourself more time before making a final decision, and continue to live it.

any thoughts?

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