Settling down for sleep…what a joke

Settling down for sleep…what a joke

For the past two hours, I have been trying to sleep. I couldn’t because musical hallucinations have been keeping me up. I was hearing the song “Peter Pan” by Kelsea Ballerini and it was just on repeat. So I bought the song so I could listen to it, hoping it would knock out the noise in my head. Then David Nail’s songs came through so I put his music on. Finally, I was tired enough to lie down. Yea Right.

Soon as I lied down, about not even 10 minutes later my foot exploded in pain. I just took my pain meds not even an hour ago so I couldn’t take anymore except for the strong pain pills. So I took one, even though I almost choked on it because it is a very small pill, potent, but small. I always have trouble swallowing it because it is small. I know I am in pain because I stood too long and walked a lot today.

Now I got to wait for the pain pill to work in about a half hour or so. The musical hallucinations are back but I don’t want to listen to anymore music. I will just let the music in my head play out. I am tempted to call my psychiatrist and ask her what to do but I am so tired, I might fall asleep on her. I might take another trilafon. I only took 4 mg today because I was out and about. I forgot to take it before leaving the house today.

God my foot hurts so damn bad. I hate when it is like this because there is nothing I can really do except wait for my meds to work. It has been fine up until now. I haven’t been in that much pain for most of the week. But then, I really didn’t stand or walk too much. I knew there was a chance of me hurting big time tonight. I figured it would be a test run for when I go to the Museum of Fine Arts. I really want to go now that I have my membership card. Frida Kahlo will be on exhibit soon and I can’t wait. I like her art. It can be a bit grotesque but she does have an interesting history.

I am glad I didn’t get a coffee when I was still in Harvard. I think I would still be awake rather than groggy. I just want to fucking sleep, dammit. I am glad I have nothing to do tomorrow, except for going to the bank to deposit a check. I might do it on my phone so I don’t have to leave the house. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow. I’ve only been out of the house two days this week. If I go to the bank, maybe I will have Chipotle again. The burrito I had was really good, even if it was messy. It will be my reward for going out.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

2 thoughts on “Settling down for sleep…what a joke”

  1. We haven’t met yet (waves) but I’ve seen your kind comments on some other blogs. I hope you can find some sleep soon.

    Also, as someone who is allergic to chilies I can’t eat burritos but I wish I could so enjoy it for both of us if you do get one tomorrow 🙂

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