trapped in my room by pain

Trapped in my room by pain

Today was so bloody cold. It was 6 degrees F when I woke up and then climbed to 13 degrees by the time I got to my appointment. The windchill was well below zero, like -19 degrees. I wore long johns so my legs didn’t freeze but they froze anyways. I am still thawing out.

My appointment with my psych went well as it can be. I told her the situation with my therapist. I told her I don’t think we can patch things up this time. She is just feeling too incompetent to be my therapist after all this time. I cried a little bit because I still think it’s my fault. I know in reality it’s not but I can’t help thinking that if I didn’t show her that damn blog, we would still be together. Even my psychiatrist said that my blog is supposed to be of my feelings and she doesn’t understand what has changed. I don’t get it either. That is the hard part of all this. But there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried and tried to deal with her and it’s just not working anymore.

After the appointment, I did an errand for my mother and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I needed a refill on my mood stabilizer but they didn’t get to it yet. I am glad it didn’t go to Arizona or left in cyberspace. I will pick it up tomorrow because as I was getting undressed when I got home, my sock decided it was going to kill my foot. I have no idea what happened. I took my sock off and my foot exploded in pain. I literally saw stars the pain was so bad. I can’t bear any weight on my foot so now I am trapped on my bed. I should have bought a burrito when I had the chance.

I called my mother and told her that I might be sleeping by the time dinner is ready. I explained that my foot exploded and she kind of flipped out as she never heard me call it that way before. I had to explain that I was in serious pain and took meds for it to calm down. I also took a baclofen because I started to get zaps in my good foot. Today is just not a good day.

I wanted to give my psych a piece of my pumpkin cake but I was too rushed this morning to grab it. My alarm went off early enough but I just didn’t get out of bed. By the time I did and washed up and brushed my teeth it was time to catch the bus. I am so tired and I really haven’t done too much today. I know it’s probably the pain meds that I took a half hour ago. I should have gotten some more espresso before going home. Plus being in pain is tiring. I told my psych about the cake and how I forgot it. She said that I just have to give it to her in the new year. I said ok. It’s my favorite cake so I don’t mind making it again. It’s really easy too. Much easier than the spice cake version.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to trapped in my room by pain

  1. G. Collerone says:

    I wish my psych could be my therapist. then I would have it made.

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    i’m glad you had a good psych apt. your like me, your psych apts always go good. shows the depth of the relationship we have with our docs. sorry the pain was so damn bad again though. really fucking sucks that this keeps happening every day. xxx

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