day 1 of dieting

Day 1 of dieting

The day is going fairly well. I had my first two shakes for breakfast and lunch. I am keeping track of my calories with my fitness pal app. I did cheat a little by having a few strips of bacon that my mother made this morning. I didn’t want them to go to waste.

I took a shower and immediately felt exhausted. I don’t know why it can either make me tired or woken up. Today it was the latter. I am really trying to stick with the diet today. I have three more shakes to drink. I had to take my pain meds because prior to taking my shower, my foot started hurting like a bitch. I waited for it to work a little before I took my shower.

I’m still without a phone. I should have it turned on tomorrow. If not, I am going to go ballistic. I want my damn phone dammit! I swear I am never doing this again. It’s just torture to have a phone and no one can turn it off but the jerks at the insurance company until they confirm the replacement phone has been received. So ridiculous.

Shake three has been drunk. I think I like the Orgain drinks better than the Pure Protein. I also find them more filling. I have 530 calories left for the day so I am doing good. I had to have something solid so I had a yogurt and some fresh pineapple. I have no idea where the pineapple came from but it was good. I love pineapple but I can’t eat too much because the roof of my mouth will become raw. I found that out the hard way. The nice thing about this diet is that I don’t feel bloated like I thought I would. I am keeping up with hydration with a bottle of water after each shake. My kidneys are going to be in shock because I hardly drink any water except for when I am really thirsty. I mostly drink Powerade. But I am only drinking that when I take my meds. I can’t take my meds and drink water because it’s just gross.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night as I couldn’t sleep because of pain. I was afraid of lying down and having the pain increase. It sometimes happens. I knew it was my PTSD flaring up so I took an Ativan to calm down. As we were talking, I was telling her my plan. She said she did what I wanted to do and obviously survived. That just threw a wrench in my works. Now I got to come up with some other plan. Fuck. I am not happy.

No one has bought my new book yet. I haven’t been promoting like I did my first book. That is the hard part of self-publishing, you have to do the promoting. It’s hard because I am in pain all the time or just depressed. Plus you can only say the same things over and over until you get tired of them. And all you’re really saying is “buy my damn book”. I thought my second book would sell better because it isn’t so dark, but then it hasn’t been out a week yet. I am going to place some tweets out today if I can figure out what to say.

My therapist is back in the office tomorrow. I hope my phone is turned back on so I can text her. I really missed texting her. I know it’s going to be hard when we no longer see one another. I got a Zipcar so I can see her next week for our session. I hope it’s not too emotional because I really don’t want to cry and drive. That would not be good because I have a long way to drive.

The pain demon has struck again. My damn foot exploded a little while ago. All I did today was empty the recycles. I have been in my room the majority of the time, only leaving to get a protein drink or go to the bathroom. Maybe the shower was too much. But that was hours ago. I don’t know what flares up my pain anymore. I have given up trying to figure it out because what causes me pain today won’t tomorrow. I just don’t fucking get it. It is so annoying. Now my pain meds are making me sleepy again. Doesn’t help that I turned off the ceiling fan so my room is a sauna again. My indoor thermometer needs new batteries. I was going to get them but why bother. I am only going to be around for a month or so. I can’t imagine going on longer than that. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I have had enough. I quit. Strike three has been called and I’m out.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to day 1 of dieting

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad. I wish I could take your pain away. Glad the diet is going well. You have good will power. xxx

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