Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

Reading old blogs and thinking of stuff

I have been reading blogs from last March. It was a painful period for me as my depression was very bad and my father was dying, though we didn’t know. I just came across a blog about last Easter, which had come at the end of March. He was giving me shit, according to the blog. I think I remember him being all dressed up, in his three piece suit, and his pocket watch that he was proud to show off. He made fun of the things I was putting on my plate, telling me it was too much food when there was hardly anything. I was barely eating those days because the depression took my appetite away. It was the last time he was in good spirits. I wish we took a picture of him all deck out to remember the occasion. We had no idea it would be his last Easter. I am so sad when I think about this.

His birthday is next week and I have to say that it is causing me big time grief. My sister is thinking of going to the race track to spread his ashes. It’s something he would have wanted.

I was talking to my friend in Canada. We have been friends for a long time and today she left me a comment. I wasn’t sure it was her at first but it was. I was talking to her via Facebook and she was telling me that she reads my blog to her husband every day. I think that is so cute and romantic, though my stories are not that romantic in nature. But the fact she is sharing my work with him is special. It made me proud to know her. I love you Yogi Bear, I truly do.

As I was going through the March blogs, I realized it has been a year that I have been back on Zoloft. What a difference it has made. I can cope a little better with things and realize things aren’t so bleak. I am in wicked pain right now but it’s not driving me to suicidal depths like it did in the past. I think the extra 50 mgs I added (with the ok from my psych) made a bit of difference. I have slowly increased the medication because I don’t want to get sick like I did before. It usually takes a while for me to get sick. Last time I was on it for a couple years before I made the connection that the med was causing me nausea every day. Now I know what to look for. I will have to tamper down if this happens again.

I never read my book. I decided to backup my laptop files on my thumb drive. I thought some mindless distraction would help decrease my pain. It did but didn’t. The thing is, the pain is coming in waves so soon as I think it’s gone, it comes back again. I might have to take another strong pill.

There was an article circulating on Twitter about a link between childhood emotional abuse and the opioid epidemic. When I saw it, my first reaction was “no shit, I could have told you that”. I retweeted the article I saw with a “shit” comment. The person that sent it blocked me. I didn’t have access to the article. Then someone else posted it and I posted it again with this is the article that I was blocked on. Here is the article if you are interested in reading this bullshit:

I call it bullshit because I think it might harm chronic pain patients that need opioids to manage their pain. I know that is why I was turned away from a pain clinic because a psychologist there said I had the “potential” all because I had a trauma history. Who the fuck doesn’t?? That doesn’t mean that every one that has had a bad childhood is going to turn toward heroin or oxy. People have used it safely. Chronic pain patients need medications or suicides are going to happen. Just makes me sick. And I am still pissed off I was blocked by someone I don’t know and that person didn’t know me!

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