Saturday Blog 79

Saturday Blog 79

My sisters, their kids, and I went to the race track to commemorate my father’s anniversary today. We didn’t spread his ashes like I thought we would because it was too cold and rainy. My sisters and I had no idea how to bet on horses so my youngest sister asked someone. She got the general idea and I couldn’t care less. My sisters bet and they won. We had a few appetizers and drinks (non alcoholic). Then we left because my nephew had to get to work. It was an experience I don’t care to experience again. It was loud and noisy, things I don’t like.

I never made my gravy because I had a hard time sleeping. Around 0230, I woke from a dream with a thud. I thought my mother fell so I rushed to her room. She was sleeping soundly so I must have dreamt the thud. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away. It took nearly two hours for me to settle down. I woke up around 10 and didn’t have any motivation to cook, shower, or brush my teeth. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to my room. I got hungry so I figure I might as well brush my teeth before eating to do something. I then made coffee to try and stay awake. I made the coffee perfectly but I was still tired.

Walking around the place at the track was no good for me and my ankle. I was hurting so bad. I couldn’t wait to leave so I could take meds and rest. I made a TV dinner for supper as my mother had leftovers. Tomorrow we are supposed to see my aunt. I hope I get some rest because I am sick of waking up in the middle of the night for no good reason or because of pain. It just makes me miserable for the rest of the day. I really need to make the beef I bought so I need energy to cook. I hope the visit with my aunt isn’t a drawn out affair. Last time I was totally exhausted after the visit.

My ankle is throbbing so bad that it is making me feel on edge. I feel physically sick because I am so tired of being in pain. I just want to cry. I feel like the slightest thing that goes wrong and I am going to explode. I am glad I don’t have to deal with anyone tonight because my nerves are so shot. I might take an Ativan to relax me some. I hate feeling keyed up for no reason, though being in pain is a reason. My tolerance seems to become less and less with each day that it’s so bad. All week I have been dealing with it consistently. I just want a break from it and I just can’t seem to get one.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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