Month: March 2017

very early morning ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Very early morning ramble

I woke up around 0230 because I had to pee and now I am find it difficult to go back to sleep. So I thought I would write for a bit as that usually calms me down. I was having a weird dream about working in the lab before I woke up. Something to do with pipettes and not finding the right ones. It made sense in the dream. Now it doesn’t. I do miss being in the lab. It was a stressful job but an important one that I took seriously. Most importantly, I miss my coworkers, even though they drove me nuts some nights. And because I was considered a “senior”, I got to deal with the problems in the shift. Usually that meant the 2300 call from a sample at 2000 that was mismatched and had to be deleted. Hated getting those calls. I never left work at the time I was supposed to because I was off chasing down samples and filling out paperwork.

I’m kind of hungry as I didn’t really eat much yesterday. But it’s too early to make anything. I still have one pancake left over from the other day. I might have that later. Just pop it in the toaster to heat it up. I don’t like putting pancakes in the microwave because I think they come out rubbery and then they turn hard when they get cold again. My next grocery order, I need to order more oatmeal as my mother has used it. She likes making oatmeal, plain. I have to have fruit or something in it to eat it. I like making oatmeal pancakes because they are hearty and fill me up. If I am really in the mood, I will make oatmeal cookies. But that hasn’t happened in a while. I love cookies but I don’t like making them. It’s a pain to clean up afterwards.

I’m going to need coffee when I get up later. I am going to make my Pike coffee. I am running low on my Casi Ceilo and they don’t seem to be selling it anymore. I meant to buy another bag but I never did. I still need to try the Guatemalan coffee they have out right now. I keep saying I am going to try and it and then I just order my espresso. If I go out today, I will order it. I won’t know if I like it if I never try it.

My ankle is minimal right now. I took some pain meds to keep it that way. Last night, I had to take a strong pain pill to quiet it down. I was just in so much pain that it hurt just to look at my foot. It’s better now but I don’t want it to start acting up again when I lie down again. That would not be good. Ativan is working so I think I will go back to sleep. Wish me luck.

Slept most of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

I woke up with my ankle hurting and no motivation to do anything. I pretty much stayed in bed all day, getting up only to eat or use the bathroom.

Despite staying in bed, my ankle still hurts. I’m feeling discouraged and really depressed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can do less and I hurt. More and I hurt. Just doesn’t make any friggen sense.

I never called the 2nd therapist.on my list. I just couldn’t bring myself to call people today. For some reason, my teeth hurt, like all of them. I’ve been congested most of the day so I think it’s because of my sinuses. I’m just not having a good day. 

flipping tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Flipping tired

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 5 and decided to make pancakes. They came out really good. I then fell back to sleep. When I woke up, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it caused intense pain. I had to take a strong pain pill, which made me dopey. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours and then I was up. I wasn’t feeling good but I wanted to venture out. I caught the next bus to the Square to have my espresso.

As I was full of pancakes, I just had a snack at Starbucks with my espresso. I wrote in my journal and then I started to get dizzy. I couldn’t remember if I had taken my regular pain meds and I took them at Starbucks as I think I was going through withdrawal. Within a half hour I was feeling better but really tired. I got my coffee for home and then went to CVS to get some overpriced cereal. I then waited for the bus and came home.

It took me a little while to settle down but I finally was able to nap before dinner. My mother wanted me to make spinach but I never did. I rested and did sleep a little before my mother called me to say dinner was ready. I’m still feeling tired and feel like I can nap again but it’s getting late and if I do, I might not sleep tonight, which would be bad. Last night I took my meds early so I could sleep and tonight I think I am going to do the same. I have found that if I take my meds early, I am usually asleep before midnight.

The therapist that I called yesterday has not called me back. I don’t think he is going to. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow morning, I will move to the next name on my list. I mostly picked males from the website for therapists because I want to try something different. Most of the therapist that I have seen have been female. I only had one male. We’ll see how this goes. I might have to see a female, if I can’t find a male. Right now I am just getting frustrated because no one is calling me back.

Ankle is really hurting so I might have to take the strong pain pill again, which means my sleep will be fucked up again. I don’t know why it messes with my sleep. Pain meds usually make you sleepy so I don’t understand why this med causes you to have sleep interruptions. It is so frustrating. I seriously just want to die rather than deal with this bullshit. I am so sick of being in pain every single day, at all hours, whenever it feels like flaring up. I can be active or non active and I will still hurt. It makes no sense whatsoever. And the type of pain I feel varies. It’s never the same in the different parts of my ankle, foot, and toes. I was trying to describe it to my psychiatrist as she was interested and I had to tell her it was sometimes physical pain, sometimes nerve pain, sometimes I just hurt and can’t describe it beyond that. Depending on the type of pain determines what kind of medication I take to relieve it. Unfortunately, it takes time for the medication to work, which further frustrates me because I want relief now. That is why sometimes I become so suicidal in those moments because I have to wait for the pills to work and I just don’t want to wait.

in search of pancakes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In search of pancakes

I woke up at 0300 wanting pancakes. As I walked down to the kitchen, I wasn’t feeling up to it. I made a bowl of cereal instead. I was still under the influence of pain meds and neurontin. After I had my cereal, I went back to bed. I slept until 7, then 9, and I finally got up around 11. I had a headache and felt hungover. I needed coffee. I thought about going to Starbucks but I couldn’t see myself getting dressed and going out. I wasn’t feeling that great.

I made coffee and still wanted pancakes. I never made them. I figure I could talk to my mother about making them for supper. But then I saw chicken on the counter so I knew pancakes were not going to be made. I took my coffee up to my room and then played on my laptop, reading Facebook and Twitter. I wanted to take a nap but dinner will be done soon.

My pain came back when I came back to my room. It was nice to have at least two hours being pain free. It’s not horrible pain. Just enough to tell me I have an ankle and foot. I had emailed my psychiatrist as I got wicked upset last night. The pain was out of control and I decided to double my dose of the strong pain pill to get relief. I didn’t care that it was going to interfere with my sleep. I just wanted relief. And it did interfere with my sleep as I was up every two fricken hours.

I called one of the three therapists today. I couldn’t call all three as I just wasn’t up for it. My former therapist texted me back about the billing issue. She said there was some paperwork that I needed to fill out. I told her I never got the paperwork so she is going to mail it to me. I don’t understand why I have to fill out this paperwork as when I first got Medicare they were processing her claims okay. I don’t know what happened after that as I never got another statement from Medicare about the claims they were billing. I didn’t think much about it until now. I just know I am not paying her anything until this gets straightened out.

I am really exhausted and I haven’t done anything today except make coffee. I haven’t eaten anything. I just plan on stuffing myself with chicken cutlets for my one meal today. I am kind of sad I never went to Starbucks because I just lost my stars reward. I am sure there will be other chances to get rewards. Tomorrow I think I am going to get a roast beef sandwich at Kelly’s or maybe a cheeseburger at Five Guys. I will decide when I get there which restaurant to go to. Course it all depends on my pain level because it’s a walk to get there. The weather is supposed to be warmer than today so we’ll see. I haven’t had Five Guys in a long time. I used to go there all the time when I had a car. I miss having a car, sometimes. I don’t miss driving in traffic that is for sure! I still have my Zipcar account but haven’t really used it at all in the last few months. I should reserve a car for a couple of hours just to drive around town and shop or something. I need to get Sox PJs as the ones I have are wearing thin. I can’t find them online. I need to go to Target or Walmart to get them. I miss shopping but it tires me out. Much easier to shop online.

Hope tomorrow I am up for making pancakes. I am so craving them.