Low pain day until I came home
I finally went to sleep around 0330 and woke up around 1030. My mother made bacon but I only had a few slices as it was really salty. I had enough time to catch the next bus but I didn’t want to leave the house that early as I knew I would be tired by the time I got to my therapy appointment.
I fiddled on my phone and checked my balance of my checking account to see if my check was deposited. It was so I got on my laptop and paid my bill. I also ordered groceries to be delivered tomorrow. I ordered a lot of stuff as my friend gave me a dessert recipe that I want to try. It’s a lemon cheesecake dessert that looks really easy to make. I am cheating by using a graham crust rather than golden Oreos. I like graham cracker crust anyway with cream cheese. Just tastes better.
By the time I figured out how to pay for one of my new credit cards by phone, it was time to catch the bus. I got dressed and left. There was construction at my stop so I had to walk to the one down the street. I didn’t mind as I had time. I stopped at the liquor store to buy some tonic water and then waited for the bus. When the bus came, I placed my mobile order for Starbucks so it would be ready when I got there.
I brought a book with me in case I got tired of writing in my journal. I had a good hour or so before I had to leave to catch the train so I read. I started a new book by Dr. Peter Grinspoon. It’s about his struggles with addiction. I couldn’t put the book down when I started reading it. It quickly passed the time. I got to the station and my therapist’s office with a few minutes to spare.
Therapy went well. We talked about my pain and how to cope with it better. He wants me to try and just focus on the pain and not the other things that crop up, like my PTSD, suicidality, etc. I said that was easier said than done. He said it wasn’t going to happen overnight but with practice it could be easier to deal with while I wait for the meds to work. He is on vacation next week so I won’t be seeing him until the week after.
I am really tired as my ankle flared up when I came home. I was putting the stuff I bought at Walgreens away and my ankle didn’t want any part of it. I am so sick of this happening. My therapist got that. I was glad that he didn’t go spastic when I was bringing up my suicidality with him. I told him multiple times how much the pain causes me to plan and think about suicide. I also told him how my blog has changed since that idiot jerk called the cops on me last year. It’s no longer my venting space and I think that has caused a bottle neck to occur because I no longer have this as an outlet to my negative emotions like it once was. I have to be more present in what I write and if I do that, I have a hard time writing. I just struggle with getting my words out that aren’t worrisome. I find that I am more apt to writing long journal entries than a blog post. I feel like I am doing a disservice to my readership. I am sorry one bad apple spoiled the bunch but I can’t have the police knocking on my door because pain caused me to feel suicidal and post about it.
I think this issue is going to take multiple sessions to work on. I am thinking about joining the chronic pain group my psychiatrist wants me to go to. I just haven’t called the coordinator to set it up. I just feel so fed up with my suicidality hindering the process to begin with that I really don’t want to go for fear of saying the wrong thing and being kicked out of group. That would be more devastating to me than anything.
I’m in mega pain right now and I don’t know how it got to be almost 2000. I just had dinner, which my ankle didn’t like. I hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom as I am in a lot of pain and doing stairs would not be good. I just want to rest my ankle as much as possible now that I don’t have to do anything the rest of the night. I do need to get up to take my night meds. I will in a little while. I want to digest some of my dinner first.