in a flare

In a flare

I woke up around 7 in pain. Took some pain meds and Neurontin as I wanted to sleep. I set my alarm as I had my grocery delivery coming at 1500. About an hour later, I went back to sleep. I woke up just before my alarm went off. I was still in pain but it was manageable. I needed coffee to get the cobwebs out of my brain. I decided to make my Hawaiian Ka’u. It came out stronger than I thought. For some reason, even though I measure the water in my mug, water just evaporates and I am left with less water. I have been using Poland Spring water to make my coffee because our tea kettle has rust on the bottom of it. My mother doesn’t want to part with it.

I was hungry so I made cereal, drank my coffee, had some chips, and then made half a salami and cheese sandwich. My foot was hurting but it was tolerable. My mother wanted potatoes and hot dogs for supper so I prepared the potatoes. I had fun chopping them up with the cleaver knife. By the time I was done, my mother was ready to cook them. She wanted me to slice up the hot dogs so I did that. While I was peeling the potatoes my groceries came. I didn’t order much so there wasn’t too much to put away. I bought some small figlets. They are figs and were really good.

I went to my room while my mother was cooking to give my ankle a rest. It was becoming intolerable. I took a strong pain pill to try to control the pain. Then I had dinner and had to go downstairs so my niece could eat the meal. I was really hurting by the time I went back upstairs. I read Twitter and found that today is the 13th birthday of a Rascal Flatts album, Feels Like Today. I knew I had it so I downloaded it to my phone and am listening to it now. I really like this album. By the time I was ready to write my blog, my damn foot and ankle flared up. I am in so much pain right now. I can take my regular pain meds in an hour. I could take another strong pain pill but it will make me dopey as I just took one not too long ago.

I don’t know how PT is going to help me with the pain. The PT I saw the other day said that I sort of need to retrain the brain as it’s all it can think about and it causes my pain more than my ankle/foot itself. Whatever. I just know that I hurt NOW and there is nothing I can do about it but write about it and swear. I didn’t leave the house today. All my activities were done around the house. I like cooking and baking. But not if it leaves me in agony. WTF. I can’t always rely on take out or my mother cooking something because I don’t have incoming money every week. I like to help my mother doing some of the cooking if I can.

It’s going to be a long night. If I am hurting this bad now, I am not sure if it will get worse or better later. I want to listen to the Sox game tonight. They have 4 games left in the regular season. If they win tonight, they could clinch the AL East title. It would be awesome to hear that as I can’t watch it on TV. My ankle will kill me if I go down the stairs again so I can’t watch the game. I am sad the season is over but the boys are in the post-season playoff games so I can still watch baseball. MLB sent me a link today for Red Sox jackets. I have three, the most expensive was $100. It’s a light but heavy jacket made for the cold New England weather. I can’t wear it if the temps are above 40 degrees or I will overheat. It’s that warm. It is my favorite jacket though. I really don’t need another jacket but there is one that I like that is $75. Maybe next pay period I will get it.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

4 thoughts on “in a flare”

  1. I know I replied already but wanted to thank you for always being kind. I’m kind of honored that I inspire you. That makes me feel good, that this blog isn’t a piece of shit. Hope my pain settles so I can sleep.

  2. sorry your in a flare again. you really inspire me because you deal with so much pain and if I had to do that I don’t think I could. I know when you are a chronic pain survivor you just get used to it eventually but still. not easy. don’t buy that jacket on a wim, ok? lol I know you want it but don’t be impulsive :-d xxx

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