just another day of pain

I’ve been having not so good a day. I woke up late, around 11 after going to bed around 0230 because of pain. I was in a rotten mood. I had eight straight hours of intense pain and I was losing my mind. Last night, a few hours after I took my night meds, I started to feel nauseous. It has been happening the last few nights so I will be decreasing the Zoloft to 100 mg starting tonight. I emailed my psych about this but haven’t heard back from her.

I was able to shower and brush my teeth. My ankle started hurting really bad after I washed up. It was difficult to get dried off and dressed. I didn’t bring down my PJs or my glasses or my phone, so I had to go up to my room to get it. I didn’t want to be walking around in my boxers as it’s cold out today. When I got these things, I made lunch, which further stressed my ankle. I took breaks but my ankle didn’t care.

After I ate, I got my laptop and my special screwdriver tools to see the connection and part number for my laptop screen. I was able to remove the sucker but had a hard time putting it back! Fucking thing. I had to watch a YouTube video to find out where the pins went in. I was able to put it back and then I turn on my laptop. The screen was worse than it was before. FUCK. I tried moving the lid to see if that helped and that just made it worse. So now I am using my older laptop. I will be using this until I am able to buy another screen next week. I hope that with me playing with the connector I didn’t damage it.

I decided to make coffee and used too much water. Coffee didn’t taste good. Then the brace clinic called. Their next available is Nov 28th. Not like I need the brace NOW or anything. This just topped my day. And of course, when I came back to my room, my ankle bone and the tendons under it flared up. I am in so much pain. I have been using the app the PT told me to use. I have been finding that I do poorly when my pain is high but I do better when it’s medium or low. So when my pain is high, I am not going to use it. I am so disgusted with being in pain all the time. I can’t wait till Thursday when I see my PCP. I am going to demand being put on a longer acting med so I can get some relief at night. If he doesn’t do it, I am going to end it. I can’t go on like this. It’s maddening. Draining all hope, making me fatigued, can’t socialize with friends. What kind of life is that?

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

2 thoughts on “just another day of pain”

  1. I know people aren’t always looking for tips, but a med called Trazadone has helped me sleep through the pain. It wont necessarily help knock you out (I rely on medical cannabis for that :/). but it helped me so so much. Sorry for what you’re going through.

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