lost track of the pain days

Lost track of the pain days

Seems the days I have been in pain have been endless. The only time I am not in pain is when I am sleeping, and even that is broken up when my pain meds wear off. I could not get going today. I had woken up around 0330 and struggled to get back to sleep after taking pain meds. I really didn’t want to go to therapy, hell, I didn’t want to leave the house but I went. And I am glad I did. He listened and validated my feelings. He said that I am more overwhelmed than hopeless, which I am having some difficulty understanding. I needed his reassurance I wasn’t hopeless and he said he doesn’t work with hopeless people. That helped.

Before time was up, my ankle flared up. And I was dreading going home. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving his office because the damn train was delayed, which meant I wasn’t going to catch the 1710 bus. My bladder was not happy with me at all. Oh well. The temps never got as high as they said they were going to. In fact, the temp dropped as the day wore on. I wore jeans and a sweatshirt but walking around made me hot and I was sweating a lot by the time I came home. I could really use a shower but my foot is hurting too much. I will try and take it tomorrow morning when I know my pain levels are down, or at least should be until I start moving around.

I had made a bacon and egg burrito for my lunch. It was very filling and I am not hungry to have supper. If I am later this evening, I will just have a bowl of cereal as my go to, or some oatmeal. I can’t wait to buy some overnight oats next week when I place my grocery order. I am trying to keep the order less than $200. It’s not easy because I’ll want something ordered and then delete it when my craving goes away.

I went off on Facebook this morning because someone keeps reporting me after I post being depressed, suicidal, or having bad thoughts. I have no idea who this person is as the reporting is anonymous. Just pisses me off because I am shut off from my account until I basically say I am okay, I don’t need to call someone. Hell, I have the numbers in my phone if I want to talk to someone as well as my Facebook friends, which did respond to the post, like this asshole could have done. I feel like I am being prosecuted for having suicidal feelings all the time and that talking about them is bad, when it shouldn’t be this way. It helps me to express my feelings of being suicidal. Holding them in is just bad news and makes me more likely to want to act when I feel that way. I just wish people would talk rather than be jerks about it. Obviously, they don’t know me as I have been posting suicidal messages for years now and guess what, I am still here. It helps me cope with the intensity of the moment. I know it will pass, it usually does. It’s worst at night because I want to sleep, I am exhausted, and I am just more vulnerable but can’t sleep for whatever reason, usually pain. My damn physical pain gets intolerable and death would be so welcome at the particular time. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this nerve injury that is not going to get better and may get worse. I have stopped using CRPS tags and hashtags because that is not what I have. I would have felt better knowing I did have CRPS because then I knew what was involved. I just don’t know what this nerve injury is going to involve but now that it’s affecting the bones in my ankle and foot, it doesn’t look good. I also know that since it’s been 7 years since the injury and it’s has gotten worse instead of better, the nerve is not likely to recover. That is such a severe blow to me. So my suicidality is peaking right now because of the hopelessness of knowing this. I am not going to get better, ever. That is a hard pill to swallow.

any thoughts?

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