Finally some concrete answers

Finally some concrete answers!!

Before going to bed last night, I emailed my neurologist that I went for the bone scan so that he would know and then get back to me about what the treatment was going to be moving forward. Late this morning he responded and said the scan showed I did have some bone changes and clinically I do have CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). He wanted me to go on some anti-convulsant but I briefly looked into it and it has a lot of nasty side effects, which doesn’t appeal to me. He is going to discuss it with my psychiatrist and see what she has to say. I emailed her to tell her he would be in touch but I am not thrilled to go on this medication. It’s new and most likely will cost me some big bucks come the new year. But we’ll see. I finally have a concrete diagnosis.

This morning was a fucking joke. My alarm went off and I should have put it on snooze but I turned it off. Unfortunately, I went back to sleep for an hour, waking up to some text messages. I had just enough time to try and catch the 7 am bus but just as I was approaching the corner, it drove by. I had to wait for the next one at 0725 but it never showed up. It was freezing out and I didn’t wear my jacket. By the time the bus to the Square came, I was running late to see my psychiatrist. I just ordered espresso from Starbucks and a donut and then made my way to the train station. I got to the Station when my psych called me to say she was stuck in traffic on the highway. She hasn’t moved in at least 10 minutes. Yikes! We rescheduled and I caught the bus home, with the intention of going back to bed.

It was really cold in my room so I shut the window part that I opened. I took my pain and blood pressure meds. I also started with the new weight loss pill. I plan on taking it in the morning in case it makes me jittery. I tried going to sleep but I couldn’t so I played with my phone. I decided to take the AC out of the window and then try again for sleep. I opened the window to take the AC out and it almost fell out! Crap! I couldn’t lift it to bring it inside. Somehow I did, at the cost of breaking my screen. It flew out of the window but that can be easily replaced. If the AC fell, it would have wrecked the roof and porch below. I went downstairs to retrieve the screen outside. I also told my mother what happened and that I finally have a diagnosis.

I played with my phone some more and then I was getting sleepy so laid down. I don’t know what the fuck I did but my ankle didn’t like it. I screamed. Then I turned over to take the strong pain meds and it hurt more. I was in complete agony. It was easily a 14/10. I just wanted to die. I started getting a pain anxiety and feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I took my meds and an Ativan. I tried distraction but it was so hard. I just laid there moaning. Then my mother called to ask if I could go downstairs to bring up her gallon of wine. I told her I was in a flare and couldn’t move. Someone stole it by the time she came home. I feel bad.

Finally the meds kicked in and I was able to sleep for a few hours. I felt better but I was still in a lot of pain, not as much as I was but say a 10 instead of a 14. I had to use the bathroom so had to get up. That was torture. I used the cane to get around because I didn’t have time to put the boot on. It was really hot in my room as my mother turned up the heat. I was sweating. She was making dinner so I had something to eat and then I went back up to my room with the mail. When I came up to my room, I opened the window and turned on the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan started making some noises that were annoying me so I turned it off. I asked my brother in law to come look at it when he got home from work. I hope it’s fixable. I also asked my mother to lower the heat. Hopefully my room cools down. I fucking hate the heat!!! And my room has two settings, unbearably hot and freezing cold. I rather be cold because I can put on layers and snuggle under the blanket.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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