Saturday of pain 10 Mar 18

Saturday of pain 10 Mar 18

Since I woke up this morning, my malleolus has been a 10/10 pain. I thought I was going to have a good day as for the first time in weeks, I slept through the night. I wanted to make a dirty gravy but that wasn’t happening as I could barely stand. I am going to try and just ground the beef and save it for tomorrow. I had asked my brother in law to get me some hamburger rolls but he didn’t go to the grocery store today as he was working. He said he would get them tomorrow. I wanted to make Manwich. Oh well.

I tried napping and not moving as much but that is impossible. Pain went down to about an 8, then moved to the front of my ankle. When it was time for my regular pain meds, I just took them and within minutes, that part of my ankle spiked. I cried. There was nothing else I could do. I can’t move. I tried listening to music but it just annoyed me. I wanted to watch the baseball game but it was delayed due to rain. I was going to turn it on when I got back to my room but I wanted to try and nap. I had taken an Ativan to try and calm down as I feel so much anxiety, like OMG what the hell can I do to get rid of this pain???!!! It is so overwhelming. I have had pain like this before but never this severe and for so long. It’s going on almost eight hours.

I had posted to my support group what my cooking plans were and that I wasn’t able to do it. They had no idea what a “dirty gravy” was so I had to explain. Then a few wanted the recipe so rather than make a long post, I just made a blog. It was all from memory though I think I said too much of the herbs. I usually just eyeball the stuff. I never measure as I have made it so many times. I think the more herbs are better anyway. I did give the option of using onion. Some people like it. I don’t, though now that I know I can buy diced onion, I might use it more.

I hope this pain is the after effects of the storm. Now my foot is acting up. I thought about using lidocaine or the diclofenac gel but I really don’t want to touch it. It is so fricken painful. I wish I could have my “normal” pain back but it’s been so long since I had it, I forgot what it felt like. I know my pain used to be a 3 and light throbbing. Now it’s a 6 with heavy throbbing. I can’t remember when it was below a 6. I can usually handle the pain at this level, but the bone pain has been something I have not been able to bear. Nothing seems to help it. I took some 800 mg of ibuprofen to see if that helps at all. It’s supposed to be good for bone pain, but I don’t know at the intensity that I am feeling it.

My mother is going to make hamburgers for dinner. I told her there was no way I could cook. I hurt too much to stand. Just standing for 6 mins for my frozen dinner was agony. She makes better burgers than I do anyway. Maybe I will make some tater tots. I can just throw them in the oven for twenty minutes. I don’t like when my mother makes them as she doesn’t cook them at the temperature on the directions nor for as long as they say. It’s like eating raw potatoes. My mother doesn’t like it when I make them crispy but I love crispy potatoes. It’s what makes them so good. I will sometimes have tater tots for dinner, just tots nothing else. Or hash browns. I love potatoes. I have been craving red potato salad, either with mayo or oil and vinegar, I don’t care. I just got to buy the potatoes. I’ll put that on my list of things to buy. Sucks when you can only get things once a month when that is when you get paid. With all this pain, I doubt I would be able to hold a job again, even if it was part time. I have no idea what I would do other than office work, as long as there wasn’t too much bending and lifting. I can’t really bend down to pick up stuff and I can’t lift anything greater than 10-15 lbs. because of my back issues. Sucks.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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