Sunday Blog 27 Jan 18
I’ve had an okay day today despite Amazon not delivering my package today. They say it is in a “secure location” but didn’t specify where that was. Then when I called they said it could still be out for delivery and to call back if I don’t receive it by 4 PM. OK. I usually don’t have a problem with Amazon but I think their own delivery service where people use their cars to deliver their products is shady. I just have found the delivers are whenever. I should have screenshotted when they were close to my house to prove they were in my vicinity. But I didn’t think because I’ve never had a problem before but whatever. I hope my package gets delivered tomorrow or they issue me a credit.
I’ve been feeling kind of blah since maybe 730pm. Just had the sinking feeling of depression where everything seems so bad yet nothing is really bad because nothing went on today. I didn’t have an argument with my mother. I really hate when these depression episodes happen because I don’t know what to do. And then if pain hits, I just become really suicidal, which reminds me I need to find that paper so that my family can pay for my funeral expenses. Dammit. I don’t really want to do this financial piece but I know funerals are expensive after what we went through with my father. Just don’t want them to be shorthanded. I guess I just feel hopeless since my psychiatrist sent me the email about wanting me in the hospital for the sleep/wake cycle bullshit, which means she didn’t read my blog about why I have insomnia. I just am done with doctors and just see them because my life will be worse if I don’t. I want to cancel my appointment with her this week but I have another doctor’s appointment that day so I will be killing two birds with one stone. I am not mad at her as I know she cares about me and just wants the best for me but going to the hospital where they may or may not give me my pain meds and worse, screw up the way I take my meds or miss my meds because they don’t have them, no thank you. I can do without that headache. And it isn’t like they treat you for anything. They spend 15-20 minutes with you and then it off until the next day. How can you call that treatment? It is more like an appointment or something. They screw up talking with you anyhow so why get fucking frustration when you already are. I told her I would only do so if I attempt. I didn’t tell her I was planning again. I don’t think I have told my therapist. He doesn’t really care anyways.
PTSD has been around lately. I just have been having a hard time laying down for fear of pain and I have no idea how to get over it. It isn’t until I literally can’t read my phone anymore that I finally lay down. But sometimes I have to kind of sit up and talk to the voices to finally get to sleep. These are the good voices not the bad ones. Right now my foot is acting up. I am not sure if it is nerve pain or something else. I just took some Neurontin before I take my pain meds because if it is nerve pain, it will go away. If it is not then I take pain meds. Temps I haven’t notice anything. Yesterday the barometric pressure was fucking crazy. I have no idea if it was today because I didn’t keep track of it. I wasn’t in horrible pain like I was yesterday. I really don’t like this buzzing feeling I am having now as it could explode so I am a little anxious about how I tonight is going to go. My back is killing me so I won’t be sitting up for that much longer. I am tired so hope the Neurontin does its job and then I can sleep.
I got therapy tomorrow. I wanted to cancel but I might cancel Wednesday because there is going to be snow and I am not running around town in snow while both fucking ankles aren’t stable. Not happening. I could Uber but they are pissing me off with picking people up as they go and then going all around town to my house rather than taking a shorter route. No thanks, I don’t need that aggravation. I wish I could afford a cab but those are more expensive than Ubers. I honestly don’t know if I am going to stay in therapy because I am not getting anything out of it. I tell him I get PTSD and he doesn’t give me ways to cope, on anything! Talking about what happened is not helping me! I am just getting annoyed and stuff. Then my mother today was like make cookies for my niece’s birthday party. When? I might be able to make them Wed if I don’t see my therapist but that is only if I don’t flare and it is supposed to snow that day so I most likely will be in pain! I just want to stay in bed or just go to Starbucks without an anxiety attack about a pain flare or that I need to get home because I feel safer there should something happen. I am just pathetic. I just don’t know why when I seek help, it fails me miserably. And if anyone says I am the problem, you are an asshole.
Psychache is happening. I kind of miss my former therapist, who by now should be called ex. She left me because she couldn’t deal with me anymore. Or whatever reason we ended, which I still am not sure of because she never told me. I just said end and she said yes. Guess that is the end of the story. But if I brought up the PTSD stuff she at least helped me cope with it rather than do nothing.