Writing from phone so might be errors
I was sleeping most of yesterday. I had a difficult night sleeping and really didn’t fall asleep at least till after 730 am.
My med alarm went off. I checked my phone. I had some messages. The social worker I saw the other day sent me an email. I also had a message from some office that I was to return. No idea what that is about.
My sister was in the kitchen with my mother. There were talking but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I was hungry as I haven’t eaten all day. I went downstairs and was cursing. My right leg didn’t want to move right. I just want to have a quick something so I could go back to sleep before pain erupted. While I was eating my sister was anxious about the financial responsibilities of the house. I didn’t want to discuss it as there is not much I can do about it. I have a fixed income. It doesn’t change. What I give my mother every month helps pay things that I am not really sure what exactly. She never told me, and I never asked. But my sister was insistent on getting things figured out right now. We would have a family meeting. Meanwhile, she tells me my other sister is going to have a house built in the backyard. I continued eating and when I was finished, I just yes’d her until I could sneak away upstairs. I was starting to be in pain.
I got back in bed and my foot didn’t like how I went back in. Instant pain. That was it. I wasn’t going to sleep. I was upset over what my sister was telling me and now I angry I was in pain, again. Fucking fuck. I was suicidal the night before. Told my group I was tired and had someone concerned about me and did I have a therapist or “professional counselor”. Like WTF, you think I am an idiot? Then she wants me to tell her how I am doing. Fuck you. I get people flip out when they hear me talk about ending things. But it is worse when they tell me not to do “something stupid”. That is when I have a real problem.
So tonight I can sleep. My foot is in intense pain. I want to end it. I just go to make out a will as detailed as possible and write a few notes to family members. I don’t want a funeral. Just a wake will be sufficient. I want to be cremated anyway. I sort of picked my date. It has been in my mind the past couple of weeks. I don’t know if the location I pick is going to worthwhile or not. But it is where I want to pass.
I sent my psych an email the other night saying I had a date. Told her some other things but I don’t remember. I am just so very tired of always coming to place of feeling like ending my life and never taking a chance on it. Like why bother? Been suicidal the past several years like this. Made plenty of dates but have not once attempted. Maybe this time will be the same. I don’t know. I make the will and write a few notes, I think I can go through with it. I don’t know what else to do. Pain is messing up my sleep at night so I sleep during the day. I don’t do anything else because I try to catch up on sleep. I sleep am recovering from the two appts I on Thursday. I still cannot move my foot outward without pain. I emailed my PT to tell her. I don’t give a fuck what she thinks. I will just do what I can and if it causes me pain, then fuck it, I won’t do that particular exercise. It is hurting so bad. I can’t stand having both feel hurting me while walking. I am limping more on the CRPS side (left) than I am on my right.
My groceries are coming in the morning. I don’t know exactly when. I picked the same block because it gets me up. I have coffee so maybe I will have a cup or two. I don’t have many cookies left. I’ve been eating them like crazy. Might have to make another batch. Just wish it didn’t kill my feet in the process. Going to try and sleep some now. Hopefully I will. Arriverderci