Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Saturday blog 04092021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 04092021

I woke up feeling so hungover from being tired. I was up three times during the night, one time to pee. The other two was from weird dreams. I dreamt of my father and I driving to get a burger. What’s weird is that as he was driving, I was drinking a beer in the car! I never drink beer, much less in a car!

I was able to shower and shave today. I am in boxers finally. I will have to change as I still have discharge at night. It is getting less but it is still there. I had my mother make me an omelet because that was what I felt like having. I feel a little better but I don’t feel confident to attend my cousin’s wedding today. I need to go to the pharmacy but I think I will go tomorrow.

I never received the phone call from my surgeon’s nurse yesterday. Since I stopped taking my uro meds, managing my bladder has been better. I am going like every three hours. I haven’t had any issues with urgency. I still have pain if I am close to full. The pain is getting less though. I am healing. I am seventeen days post op.

I don’t have many appointments next week. I just see my therapist. The following week I have multiple appointments with different providers. I think I see my TG doc and uro NP that week. The appointments are all virtual so I don’t have to go anywhere. I just have to remember them. The good news is they are in the afternoon so I don’t have to be up early.

decisions made

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Decisions made

I have decided not to go to my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. I feel like it will just be stressful and if I am in pain then I will be a grump. I am two weeks post op from a hysterectomy. I think it is too soon to be going. I also am stressed about the whole cathing situation. I have to go every three hours or so and I would rather do it in my own bathroom rather than a public restroom. I also worry about Covid because chances are we won’t be wearing masks and there will be 20 year olds and 30 year olds at the wedding. I don’t know how many people there are but there is at least 50 people minimum.

I had a difficult night sleeping. I was up every few hours. I finally gave up around 0630. I thought I would have the kitchen to myself but my mother woke up and she made her breakfast. I just had my coffee with biscuits. I wanted to make the quiche but I didn’t feel up to it. I might have it later this morning when I have my second cup of coffee.

I am feeling really tired. I want to lie down and nap but my surgeon’s nurse is supposed to call me sometime in the morning so I need to be up. I want to ask her if any nerves were cut during surgery. That is important for me to know. And also when the stitches will fall off. I still have them and they seem stuck in place. I tried pulling them out and they wouldn’t give. I have a stitch in my belly button that is annoying because it is pointy. It like pricks my finger when I try and clean it out. I still have discharge so I won’t be changing to boxers like I hoped to do. I might wear them during the day and then change to women’s underwear for the evening so I can wear a pad. Only think is, the discharge is unpredictable so I might get the stuff on my boxers. That will suck. I am going to wait another few days before changing things up.

I bought a graduated water bottle so I would know how much I drink during the day. I still have no used it yet. I plan to wash it today and fill it with either water or Gatorade. I haven’t decided which I am going to use. I want to track how much I drink so I know when I cath if the output is the same. Right now drinking Gatorade I am just estimating how much I drink.

I have a feeling when I talk to the uro NP she is going to have me measure my urine when I go to see how much I am outputting. That isn’t going to be fun. I understand the reasoning behind it but it is just a pain in the ass. I might have to go in to get a bladder scan after I cath to see if there is anything left. It is the only way of knowing if I am truly empty. I hate my life right now as it just seems to revolve around bladder issues. It is always in the forefront of my mind.

Pic of the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Not feeling good so here is a pic of my cousin’s puppy

resting today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression

Resting today

I woke up around 330 this morning to pee and it took a while to get back to sleep. My med alarm went off and I had to pee again. I took my meds after and then went back to sleep. The surgeon’s nurse called to check in with me around noon time and I got up for coffee after we spoke. It was raining so I decided to stay in. I was going to go out to get some half and half but decided to get it delivered with some other stuff.

I just plan on resting today. I had to give myself the T shot today. My left leg was being cranky so I opted to give my right another shot. I also plan on brushing my teeth and shaving my head again. I also need to shower. It will be later this afternoon when I am up for it. I am too tired to do it right now. I just want to sleep.

Pain is a little less today. I was having some mega pain earlier but I think it was because my bladder was full and I had to have a BM. I felt better afterwards. I didn’t cath after I voided. I was going to drink coffee so I know I am going to go again soon. I will cath then. The discharge is becoming less. I probably will be back to boxers by the weekend. Saturday I have a wedding to go to. I am kind of nervous about it. I have to go in my closet and find a dress shirt. The one I ordered is too tight for my liking. I might wear short sleeves. I really want to wear my burgundy red shirt with the tie I bought and black pants.

I haven’t eaten anything today. The restaurant where I normally buy Kung Pao doesn’t sell it anymore. I ordered it from some place else and it was horrible. I will never buy food there again. Even their wontons sucked. Just for kicks I took my weight and found that it was still below 200. I guess the swelling and soreness from surgery has brought my weight back to where it should be. I was over 200 when I was at the surgeon’s office last week. I didn’t get weighed this week when I saw her because I couldn’t bear to see what it was.