Category: Bipolar Disorder

I am Dumb

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My ex got in touch with me tonight. She still hasn’t told me what she wants. She just keeps asking how I am. I refuse to answer. She has lost the right to know how I feel. She changed her Facebook profile. I don’t know if she has done this to get in touch with me or if there is another reason. Frankly, I could care less.

As much as I didn’t want to do it, I did some research on the subject I am looking for on Google. I got some interesting results. And it makes me sick and more depressed. I have been trying to write a story about narcissism NOT using my father as an example but that is proving to be impossible. Every example that I have read tonight points toward him and his ways. I will say that my therapist is wrong about narcissistic injury. You can only have that type of injury if you are narcissistic and I am definitely not. I did one of the online test and scored very low. The test even called me humble, something that I know my father is not. He is a cunning bastard. From what I gather from multiple sources is that there is no getting around this personality. You are best to leave the person. Oh, how I would LOVE to do that. I would do it in a heartbeat and not look back.

What I learned is that the narcissist is incapable of love. I knew this on some level but it was confirmed tonight. I am unloveable and have been for quite some time. I don’t believe anyone that says they love me because my father lies so much. He only says it now because he is a despicable person and thinks he is being truthful. That is his way of showing he “cares” but he could give two shits. He has no feeling for us, my sisters and I, in reality. It’s all in his mind and as long as you go along with it, all is hunky dory. That is why I don’t argue with him, even though it angers me so. I have learned not to show my anger, least not to him or anyone else I care about. Hell, I don’t even show it to my therapist though she provokes me sometimes.

My therapist says she cares and that she loves me. My psychiatrist I know cares but I shield it off, especially when my suicidality is at its peak. It’s too dangerous to have these people care for a moron like me. I am nothing and always will be. I am good for nothing. This has been instilled in me since I was young and continues to this day because of the cunning ways of my father. He is not a dad by any means. He is a sperm donor to me. I am never right. I am always wrong. And that is the way it living under the roof of a narcissist.

I am wasting more money on books next week. One of them is called “rethinking Narcissism” by Craig Malkin. I figure I might as well read it to further poison myself. I doubt it will change my thinking of myself. My therapist and psych have tried for years. But it’s all a sham. My father would say that I am crazy for seeking help, if he knew. Hell, he did tell me to kill myself, so I do have his permission to do so. If I wasn’t afraid of heights, the Tobin might be my way out. But I have other plans. I always have other plans. It’s what I do. I plan my death all the time. So in moments when I feel like acting, there just has to be a time and place to act on it. I haven’t been successful as I wouldn’t be writing this if I was. I am a loser at killing myself. I always seem to tell someone important to me that I am going to do it and then they thwart me from going through with it. I am dumb, just like my father says I am.

I haven’t eaten much the last few days. I wish I could say that it was on purpose but I just have no appetite. Today I ate a little better but small meals. A sandwich here, soup there. I just don’t feel like eating. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I kind of know when a depression is coming because my appetite because scarce. But I have enough fat so I am not worrying about being underweight. I might be malnourished but that is a matter of debate. Most people think that because you are overweight, you are well-nourished. I wish that were true but it’s not. I hardly eat what I am supposed to. Sugar and fat is my diet mostly, hence my composition. But this article isn’t about weighty matters.

Back Pain and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am not feeling really well today. My back is still kinked up, making it hard to move and get around. I am watching my niece and just made her lunch. Now I need to rest for a bit. It is still pretty cold out. She and her cousin went out for a little bit. I went outside to see where they were but couldn’t see where. I panicked a little bit but they came home like five minutes later, much to my relief.

I was able to sneak upstairs to my room for therapy. It was another boring session. She tried to get me to get out of the trapped feeling but it’s no use. I need to do what I need to do. I know she may not like it but oh well. I really don’t care. I told her our time next week might be disrupted because my father needs to see his doctor. She didn’t like that idea. I’m going to call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment Wednesday. That day is supposed to be bad with weather so I might have to do it Thursday. It would be better if we can see him Friday. Then I don’t have to worry about missing therapy.

I have been listening to Eric Church via my earbuds for most of the afternoon. I find that it’s helping to pass away time while my niece and cousin do their own thing. They are watching a movie now. I am tired and really want a nap but that would be derelict in my duties so I need to stay awake. The 600 mg of IB I took seems to be helping my back pain. I can move a little better, but I still am not standing straight.

Aside from feeling physically awful with my back, I am feeling miserable mood wise. I am glad the kids aren’t talking with me because I am not in the mood to talk to anyone. I am just not talkative today. My thoughts are slow too. Just to read ten pages in a book was painful. I don’t think I am going to read anymore today. I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up every couple of hours because of back pain. Every time I moved, I hurt. I kept having to switch sides and it hurt really bad. I hope the temp stays where it is so I can recover.

I did some research today via the web. It was useful and I can draw on it to make a story out of it. I just got to think of it. But today is not the day. I am much to tired. I wish it was four already so I could go up to my room and sleep. I don’t have much of an appetite today. I had a sandwich for breakfast and a banana. That’s been it along with some apple juice. I am sure the reason for not being hungry is because I am depressed. I just don’t care about anything anymore.

I found out what my therapist wanted me to write the other day. She wanted me to write about her caring about me. There, I wrote it. Probably not what she intended me to write but oh well. That is all that I have to say on the matter.

Pain All Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My back went out sometime this morning because of the damn temperature changes. I have been in agony with every movement. I had to do my father’s meds and the ride over there nearly killed me. It was the first time out in almost a week. The activity exhausted me. But then, I haven’t really had anything to eat today. I had cereal this morning and that has been it. I might have a cereal bar later. I am hoping my pain meds will work to take this pain away so I can at least move without it hurting so damn much.
I got to call my father’s PCP sometime in the next week to see him and to find out when to get his INR restarted. This really screws up my plans to see my therapist before my plans are initiated. Now it doesn’t look like I will see her.

I had therapy today. I told her my plans and the date on which I would do them. She seemed a little more freaked out than I thought she would be. No matter. I have another session with her tomorrow. I really don’t know why I asked for it. I have to babysit tomorrow morning and I don’t want little ears hearing my conversation with her.

After therapy, I tried to snooze and probably would have if my phone wasn’t going off with messages. I had to keep an ear out because I was waiting for my sister to call me. I never got the much needed nap and now I feel like shit. I wanted to make oatmeal pancakes so bad today but I couldn’t with my back the way it is. I don’t think I will be able to make them tomorrow because I am babysitting. It will have to wait until Friday, I guess. I should be better by then and I will have nothing to do.

I have to make some burritos soon before they go to waste. They have been sitting on my counter for at least a month now. Maybe if I feel up to it, I will make my egg burrito. There are two things that I want next week when I get paid. I want to have my roast beef sandwich with onion rings and Chinese food, not in that order. The sandwich I will get after I do my father’s meds next week. The Chinese food will probably be the next day.

My ankle is starting to hurt. Figures it has to join in the fun of bringing me pain. I already took my pain meds so that should kill the pain. My therapist wasn’t too much of a pain in the ass today like I thought she would be. She did want me to tell my psychiatrist and that I am not willing to do. I will end up in the hospital and they don’t help. It will be a waste of fucking time. I am not going back. I did tell her about my financial stress and she says I could have a payment plan with the IRS. I hope so because otherwise, I am fucking screwed. I won’t know the verdict for the next 30 days. I just hope my plan kills me rather than just knocks me out to oblivion.

Random 812

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I intended to write another blog last night but sleep overcame me and I didn’t write. I woke up around midnight with my nose clogged up. I couldn’t breath. I tried every method I could think of to open the clogged nostril to no avail. Then I got tired and went back to sleep.

Sleep didn’t last long. A couple of hours at best. And now I am up, least until I decide if I am going to make breakfast or go back to slumber. My back is hurting, probably because of the temp fluctuations. It has gone from zero degrees to fifty-five to back down to thirty-three. My back doesn’t like this. It’s hard to stand up and move. I hurt so bad

Last night, my father was taken to the ER. He was complaining of being short of breath. I don’t know what the outcome of the visit was other than his INR was 7.4. Now I got to call his doctor’s office and see what they want to do. Fuck. It was 1.3 last week. Balancing his INR levels are so damn tricky. He hasn’t been stable with them in quite a while. It’s driving me crazy. I found out from my sister that they admitted him. My sister wanted to know if I wanted to visit him but it’s too close to my appointment time with my therapist so I said no. Plus, the stupid drop in temp by 20 degrees has me stiffer than an ironing board. I can’t move without pain. Back is all tight. So it doesn’t look like I will be going out again today.

I am starting to feel cooped up. I hope the pain meds eases up my back as well as the Ativan. I really want to get started on my research. I didn’t want to do it at the house, but it doesn’t look like I am having a choice. Or maybe I should just give up my research.

I feel like drinking gin. Maybe when I have my big blow out, I will have some. If I didn’t take my meds, I probably would have a shot. I don’t care that it’s before noon. Maybe it will help sleeping for a while, too. It probably isn’t going to help my back but maybe it will hurt a little less.

I haven’t heard back from the PT people. I am tired of calling people and then they don’t call back. I think I am going to have to fax my prescription to the office and then maybe they will call me. Trouble is I don’t have a fax machine. I would have to call my neurosurgeon’s office and have them do it. I really don’t want to go to another PT session but I think it will help. If I can just learn the exercises to get rid of my hip pain and my thigh pain, I will be alright!