Category: Bipolar Disorder

Just Write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Just Write

Those were the last words my therapist told me before ending our session. No direction or clue what I am to write about, “just write”. I hate when she does this, like it’s a magical cure or something. I wish it was.

She read my blog about our last session. She wasn’t too pleased with it but she was happy I wrote it. It gave her some insight. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about it. We had spent nearly two sessions on Hyde and I really didn’t want a third. We did talk about my suicidality a bit. I didn’t give details. She kept asking for them and I deferred. She doesn’t need to know what my plan is. It’s not going to kill me anyway, and I keep thinking, magically, that it will. I just want oblivion and hopefully it will happen.

I woke up exhausted. Dealing with pain all weekend just totally wiped me out. It was a much warmer day today (55 degrees) and it killed me to stay inside but I too tired to get dressed. Too tired to do anything that would make going out happen. I was really cold after my session. I needed a nap. So I tried to take one and I couldn’t fall asleep. I called my father’s doctor to set up an appointment with him. The secretary called back with a number I didn’t recognize so I let it go to voicemail. I had to call again. Drives me nuts.

I didn’t tell my therapist about my financial stress that I am under. I meant to, but I just couldn’t. I feel like a failure because of this stress. I haven’t even talked to my sister about it. The shame it’s bringing me is great, almost to suicidal proportions. I just cannot fathom how I am going to pay this money when I get only three thousand dollars more a year than what I owe. And it’s seriously going to take some budgeting to save at least half what I owe. I don’t know if I can do it on my income.

Because I didn’t go out today, I didn’t start my research. I might have to start on Thursday. Tomorrow I got to deal with my father and his meds. I have to go in the afternoon and he isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s the only time I can come by as I have therapy around noon.

Oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Oblivion

“What I had began to discover is that, mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broke limb. It maybe more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by inhibiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this cauldron, because there is no escape from this smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion”. William Styron, taken from Nights Fall Fast, p106

In my last blog, a blog reader was concerned about my last three sentences. This is the best description I could come up with to describe what I am feeling.

Today I read Harry Potter while my sister had my laptop. I did a lot of reading while I wasn’t in possession of my computer. It was the first time that I didn’t dissociate while I did so. I feel better about reading the Harry Potter book now.

I don’t know why before 1900, I become so sleepy. But I know that if I take a nap, I usually end up staying up half the night because I can’t go back to sleep. So I stay up and usually before 2100, I take my night meds, which then wake me up and keep me up. I also usually take my pain meds to help with sleep but tonight I am not having that luxury. I got things on my mind. One of which is the song “Girl Crush”.

I don’t listen to country music radio that often anymore because I am home and not in a car. I do have a radio, but I like listening to my MP3 songs and to albums rather than individual songs. I didn’t know they pulled “Girl Crush” off the radio because of some close-minded people thinking a song about jealousy is a lesbian song because of the line “I want to kiss her lips”. It’s ridiculous. I am also pissed off because my phone is homophobic. While I was typing “lesbian” autocorrect thought I meant “lessons”. I read what I write 95% of the time to correct these stupid mistakes. I don’t know what to do about making my phone a little more open minded. It rejects the pride flag during updates. I haven’t figured out why it does this. But it’s a bitch to fix. Now I have a black background because it is nice against white writing. The phone seems fine with this and hasn’t changed it to its default background, yet.

I guess Australia is having a suicide prevention convention as I have seen some stuff that is interesting. They showed their safety planning which I have attached to this blog. It’s a good form and I encourage anyone who is suicidal to bring it to their therapists to use for their safety. If your therapist is not open to this and just uses a “promise” for contracts, they are in the wrong. Or a “no-harm” contract. If you end up killing yourself, these contracts won’t hold up in court but the safety planning paper might. It’s a better document, in my opinion. The first is a pic of what it looks like the second is the PDF for easier printing.

I had to stop listening to all my music because I was skipping more songs than listening. So I put on a playlist. I need Eric Church so I might be playing his album before bed. I am going to do some more reading on “Night falls Fast”.

safetyplanning.jpg

SAFETY_PLAN_form_8.21.12

The Oblivion I Need

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My laptop was used by my sister most of the afternoon so I wasn’t able to write at my regular time. I thought my mother was going to make chicken cutlets for supper and she made a fried rice dish, using all MY rice because she didn’t have hers. The dish was awful because she put garlic in with the rest of the soy sauce, onions, and peppers. It was salty because she used my garden vegetable rice rather than my Jasmine. I am not upset about the rice. I am just mad because I was looking forward to cutlets and didn’t get any.

The heat must be on 90 degrees to heat the house in this cold snap we are having. It’s 75 degrees in my room, much too warm for me so I have the ceiling fan going. It’s helping with air circulation and I am not as congested as I was. Soon as I feel cold, I will shut it off.

While my laptop was being used, I read some more of Harry Potter. I didn’t dissociate this time, which is good. I also read some more of “Night Falls Fast” and highlighted some more text. When I am done reading the book, I plan on writing out the highlighted parts in a notebook so I can possibly use them for quotes. I miss writing quotes on my blog.

I wasn’t feeling good this morning. I had woken up around 0630 in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took some pain meds. I slept for most of the day. The good news is the Neurontin I took last night took away some of the pain I was feeling in my left ankle/foot. The bad news was the pain I felt this morning was in my right leg. I think I might have done something to the calf muscle because when I was massaging it, I could feel knots in the muscle. I know it’s probably from overuse as it is my main support while walking.

I need to take a shower. I plan on taking it before bed. I got some frosting on my shirt when I was eating cake earlier today. I figure I need to change clothes anyways when I shower so might as well. I don’t want to but now I need to.

In the book, “Night Falls Fast”, Jamison described how feeling despair and hopeless can lead to a suicide and also that there might be a life changing event before it happens (divorce, job loss/unemployment, break up of a relationship, etc.) I thought about these things with my own thoughts of death, and none of that is true. Though when I lost work, I ended up back in the hospital. The social worker I was working with went over the risk factors for suicide and I had them all. I was unemployed, in financial crisis, and had no friends anymore. My discharge had already been set and I thought all these factors would hold me to more time in the hospital. Any caring person would have held me further, but nope, it didn’t happen. I was set free.

I have my plan in place. I have a date. I will seek the oblivion I need.

Sunday Blog 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 9

It’s Valentine’s day. It is also my sister’s wedding anniversary. I am babysitting while they go out to eat. My niece will do her thing and I will do mine. I usually end up making her something to eat. She is pre-teen so is growing like a weed. I swear she is inches taller than the last time I see her, and I see her at least every other day.

I am in a do nothing mood. Ankle is still bothering me, of course. I think it’s because of the minus 0 degree temps we are having. I don’t recall my ankle being this sore when I stand or go down stairs before during the winter. The temps are supposed to stay like this for a while. I am glad I don’t have to go out until Wednesday. I might go out Tuesday, if my ankle is feeling better. I really want to start my research for the book that I am writing. I just hope the book that I am using for it has what I need.

I hope I don’t get sleepy. My babysitting wasn’t planned and I took some pain meds before I came down to my sister’s. I had intended to just play on my laptop or read until I felt the need to nap. Now I need to be some what awake. I am still on a coffee buzz so maybe I won’t feel drowsy.

I am glad the cold temps are happening on the weekend and not during the work week. There have been major disruptions on all lines of the public transportation system. What pisses me off is that they had done major “winterization” of the track work and today that line broke. Now they want to hike the fares. I really want to know where my fare money is going into. I don’t think I will ever know but I do know that $10 million dollars of the budget got cut when the new governor got elected. Figures the budget gets cut and then they hike fares. It’s not fair to commuters like me when we see improvements, like new buses and computerized boards that announce when trains and buses will arrive/depart. Where did they get this money to implement these things if there was no money in the budget? I know there is mismanagement. It just isn’t publicized because there would be major outrage. I also know that operation wise, the money is not there where it should be.

I read three chapters today of the new book that I got for free. I thought it was a Scudder series book but it’s not. It’s about this alcoholic who murders prostitutes while in a black out. The writing is very good. I can see where Block (author) used the tools that I read about in the writing book.

When I got up this morning, I had a message from “Facebook” saying that I needed to verify who I was by clicking on the website they provided or my account would be deactivated. I had heard of these scams so I just deleted the message. If FB really intended to check my information, I doubt they would send me a message via messenger. I think they would just lock me out of my account.