Category: bipolar

Saturday Blog 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 14

I know I should be watching the OSU game but it’s a tight match between Michigan State and I hate watching nail biting games. I am keeping track of the game via Twitter and my CFB app. It gives me updates of the scores at the end of each quarter.

Another day in which all I did was sleep. I made pancakes today for lunch and I guess the carbs knocked me out. I have been full since and have not had dinner. I just am not hungry.

I have a full week of stuff to do this coming week. Tuesday is a full day. I have PT and then therapy. In the evening, I have my Godmother’s 90th birthday party to go to. I am hoping that PT doesn’t tire me out too much or hurt me. I have a day of rest the following day. Then Thursday I have an appointment with my father that is bright and early. I hate early appointments. I still have to figure out what bus to take to get there. I think I know what it is but I am not sure. And I hate the hospital he is going to. I wish he would just wait and have the surgery where he is scheduled but no. He doesn’t want to wait. Well, the day is coming as we are waiting for these other bozos to evaluate him. It’s so frustrating! Drives me up a wall. Then Friday, I am to pick up my niece. Saturday is my sister’s birthday and we most likely will be going out to dinner somewhere. I haven’t been told where, just to show up, which is typical. I told my other sister that I am broke and she says she got me so I guess that makes me feel a little better. But it still kills me that I have no money to even buy her a card. I feel so bad. But then, I really don’t believe in getting cards for birthdays and such. It is a waste of money as they see them, maybe read them, then they go in the trash. No one saves them. Just a waste.

I still have not thought much about the assignment my therapist gave me the other day. I think she gave it to me to try and combat my negativity toward myself. But I am so pessimistic that I don’t think anything can get through my head but negativity. I still see it as a futile exercise. I guess I am hoping I will get into a hopeful mood and do it one day.

I haven’t taken my nighttime meds yet. I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s getting late and I should take them now rather than wait. I just don’t feel like getting up from my comfy bed. Besides, I want to stay up and listen to the rest of the football game. My meds will knock me out within an hour and I know the game will still be playing. Course, I am tired so taking them now will put me to sleep shortly and I don’t want that.

Lately, I have been thinking of things related to death. I wonder what will happen if I were to die. It’s the same thoughts I have been having for a while now. I struggle with not giving in to them. I haven’t planned my death or anything. But I still think about the thoughts I had while I was in the hospital and wonder if I would be able to go through with them. So far NONE of my plans have made it past the thinking and preparing stage. But that is always what I do. I think, I plan, and it goes no where. Usually because I get derailed by my therapist or if my psych is involved, I go in the hospital. It is going to be a rough two months just having contact with my psych via email. And so far, I have been having a one way conversation with her. I send her email but don’t get a response. So frustrating!

I haven’t heard anything about the reviews yet. I keep checking the website and I noticed there were more attempt survivor stories there. I hope my book gets picked.

random 432

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, writing

Seeing as I am up and will soon take a nap, I thought I would write a little bit. My day has been productive. I went to my niece’s school to drop off her violin and then went shopping for my powerade. I underestimated how heavy the load will be. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. And I just realized, I never wrote a blog for yesterday. Guess I will have to write one later, if I feel up to it.

I had therapy yesterday morning. I was really sleepy for most of the day. I actually slept most of the afternoon as I wasn’t feeling well. Bozo was in rare form yesterday. She still wanted me to write an affirmation blog about myself. She should know by now that I never write about myself, least not in a positive way. I just am not comfortable with it. I had an anxiety attack while talking with her about it. I don’t know why I got nervous talking to her. She then said that it was because of “conflict” that I was having the anxiety. I don’t know what that means. We talked about how I felt like I was letting her down by not doing this assignment. I nearly almost always, do what ever her little brain thinks of. But I have a problem with this assignment because I don’t think I am a valued member of society anymore. I feel rotten. All I feel is down and depressed. Nothing really helps my mood. I thought the antidepressant was working but I think it stopped. I don’t even know if it is doing anything but keep the weight on me.

It is cold in my room and it is going to get colder. I still haven’t removed the AC in my room. It is probably still wet from all the rain yesterday so I really don’t want to bring it in until it dries. I hate feeling cold, even though I love it better than heat. I rather be cold than hot, but not freezing cold! I have to put on slipper socks because my feet are getting really cold and my ankle is already whining.

I watched the CMA awards today. I didn’t turn into a Miranda Lambert night as I thought it was going to be. Kasey Musgraves won and the entertainer of the year award was presented by Garth Brooks, won by Luke Bryan and I cried tears of joy, literally. I was so happy for him. And it was great seeing Garth again. I miss seeing him on stage. I hope he will come back to Boston soon. I would surely love to see his concert. I also love the fact that people actually counted how many dresses Carrie Underwood wore during the show. It is too funny. I am like who cares or she changed again, big deal!

I should have made coffee today. I am so tired that I can go to sleep. I don’t know why I have been so tired lately. Last night, I was all achy and felt like I was catching a cold or something. Today, I am just sleepy. Probably from hauling all that powerade home. But I am set for the week and I was glad it was on sale for less than a dollar. I got more for my money, though I really wanted to buy some oatmeal so I could make oatmeal pancakes. I used the last of it and my mother nor I have not replaced it. She did buy the individual packets of oatmeal but they are flavored so I can’t really cook with them. So frustrating because I love the pancakes. It is such and easy recipe, much like the one my mother makes. Actually if you take out the oatmeal and add another ½ cup of flour, you will have the original pancake recipe. But looks like my mother is making pasta with sauce tonight. Maybe I can get her to make pancakes tomorrow morning.

I sent my therapist my last blog post and she didn’t read it. I was going to ask her if she did, but I knew from our conversation that she didn’t. I don’t know why that bothers me but it does. I know she probably didn’t check her messages before we spoke, which is most likely the case. I wanted her to know how bad I was doing and my explanation of why I couldn’t do her assignment. I am not doing it out of deviance. I really think that I have no positive qualities worth writing about other than being smart. But being smart only gets you so far.

I have not been to Starbucks in almost three weeks now. I really need to get back to my routine of leaving the house and getting coffee every day. I knew buying coffee for home was going to make me more of a hermit than I was expecting. Some days I don’t even make coffee. I don’t really “need” it but it is nice to have at home. As long as I have cream, I am all set. I will try and go out tomorrow. I miss the atmosphere and the smell of coffee being grounded. Nothing beats that smell. My coffee still smells like being freshly grounded. It’s so hard going out because I no longer have a coffee that I like at Starbucks and my latte drinks are really expensive now that I can’t really stand paying nearly 5 bucks for one. But I know they are expensive because milk isn’t cheap anymore.

So I left tonight’s chat…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, psychache, suicidality

So I left tonight’s chat

Don’t know if anyone that reads my blog knew, but a 29 year old woman with terminal cancer ended her life today, on her own terms. She basically committed suicide. It got me thinking about Robin Williams and why his death was not treated the same way. He was battling demons we knew nothing about and a medical illness that threw him off the ledge. I don’t blame him for killing himself. It makes me sad, but also makes me happy that he is in a better place than he was in. No one understands why I have such happiness for those who kill themselves. But for this woman, I am having a hard time feeling happiness for her. I am glad she chose the method of her death and she had free will and all. But a part of me doesn’t like that she was an advocate for choosing to end your life with dignity and she took it. So we lost an advocate and that bothers me.

Then I entered the SPSM chat that was discussing this. The current president of the AAS sends out a PDF of Shneidman’s 10 commonalities of a good death. That’s when my suicidality peaked for some reason. Then talking about how depression was a terminal illness just made me snap. I had to get out of the chat room. I could have just left without saying anything but I said something, that today’s topic is too triggering for me. I got some pleasant responses. Then I got a weird one that said that I should be kept abreast of the topic. I was like “Huh”?

I have no one I can talk to about this and so I just decided to write, like I always do when I am in distress or feeling intolerant of my feelings. It helps me to put perspective to my thoughts. I also have been terrified of crapping myself for the past few hours and it has taken it’s toll on me. I have decided that if I crap myself tonight, I am going to take all of my meds, every last pill that I have will be ingested. I have had enough of dealing with the indignity of crapping myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I am only 38 years old. I should be able to control myself but that control has been taken away from me. I am no longer an “anal” person, so to speak. It is draining me being this way. I could cry but why bother. Darkness envelops my soul. I feel like I should not live like this anymore. Isn’t it my right to die? I may not have “good” reasons. I just want to end my suffering, is that so bad? I have no purpose in my life. I have no responsibilities like I did before. The only responsibility I have is to clean my sheets or clean my room, which never gets done because I don’t have the motivation to clean. My mother takes care of the cooking and cleaning, though it kills her to do it. She cleaned the bathroom and it took her almost three days to do it. She did it a little at a time. And I have to do the same or my back goes out. But lately my ankle pain has been worse so I have been having a hard time standing for any length of time. I was given exercises to do to help do something but all they do is cause me pain. I stopped doing them because I hurt so much afterwards. I shouldn’t be in this much physical pain. I have tendonitis in all of my tendons on the outside part of my ankle starting from where the bone is to my feet. There is a tendon called the peroneous that wraps around the ankle and anchors into the foot. Aren’t I lucky that I have aggravated this tendon and the ones surrounding it. The docs don’t know why. But the usual course when they don’t know what to do with you is to send you to physical therapy, like that is the cure all. I am so sick of physical therapy and it hates me. My goofball swelling has returned and it is throbbing like no tomorrow. Yet despite this pain, I am not suicidal over it. I am more suicidal over the fact my bowels have taken a run for the hills and decided not to tell me when they are moving. Usually if I have gas, I know I will soon have a movement. But lately, the stools have been soft and when I fart, the stool comes with them. I have shit myself twice in the last two weeks, both times in bed. The first I was lucky that it didn’t leak onto my bed sheets as I was in bed at the laptop like I am now. The second time, I didn’t even feel myself shit. I just farted and thought that was that. Wrong. I got up and there was a yellow stain on my bed. Fuck. I was wearing black underwear so it didn’t show anything but my pajamas did. I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. And if it happens again, I want to kill myself. I have stayed away from taking laxatives and fiber pills. Now I will have hard stools that will cause me to bleed but I don’t care. It might also flare up my nerve pain in my ass but I don’t care. That will be the least of my worries. I don’t want to shit the bed again, literally or have another accident. I am lucky I have my menses now so I am wearing a pad. But pads irritate my skin after a while. When I had my menses that lasted for more than six weeks, I thought I was going to go insane. And I was wicked irritated by my clothing (female underwear) and the pads. The elastic in the female underwear was digging into me after a while. I don’t know why. But even my boxer will irritate me after a while too, especially if I don’t shower on a regular basis. And I have been too depressed to keep up with hygiene. I just am a mess. But with my menses, I have been forced to shower nearly every day. But now they are showing signs of stopping so I might be back to my every two days routine.

I have been safe so far tonight with passing gas and not having friends with it but that could change at any moment. It scares me to think that I might shit myself again and not realize it. I bought diapers for when I go out. I refuse to wear them when I am in the house for fear of just wasting them. Thing is, I don’t trust myself anymore and that has been a hard thing to endure. I have gotten used to peeing myself more than crapping myself. No one understands this. No one really knows this, aside from my therapist. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in more than a month because of my own mobility issues and now she is out of the office because she broke her hip. I miss her really bad. I also feel bad going through what she is going through. She said she needed surgery so that must have been a real bad break. We have been together for twenty years and this is the first time, other than her maternity leave, that we have been apart for an extended period of time. So I this weighing on me as well. I am set with my medications for at least a month. I hope she is back soon but I know that it takes at least 6-8 weeks for a bone to heal. She didn’t say how long she would be out for but my guess is that she will be back after the holidays. This so sucks. My demons are coming back and I don’t have her around to corral them back into outer space. My therapist can only do so much. And lately, we have been on the wrong page of things. I am getting frustrated with the whole talking on the phone all the time. She is ok with it, course she would love to see me in person but I don’t have transportation to go out to where her office is, which is 30 miles away. I am still trying to finagle getting my sister’s car one week and going out to see her but my sister has been so stressed lately that I don’t want to bother her with my needing her car.

Closing thoughts: I feel a little bit better since writing this out. I love having a blog that I can write my nonsensical thoughts out. I still feel ashamed about myself but I know it will go away in time. I hope it will anyways.

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Weatherman says it’s gonna snow…

We are having a little snow here in Boston today. It’s not much but people are already going nuts over the “s” word. I don’t mind it. I just wish my AC was out of my window so it wouldn’t be so cold in my room. We had a warm front before this cold front and then the weather got really crappy so there wasn’t time to take the AC out. It’s really stormy out there with gusty winds. I wonder how the football game is going to fair in this kind of weather. We’ll see.

I went to bed before 10 and woke up around the time of the time change. It sucked because I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I played by game until 4 AM when I could go back to sleep. I slept for a few more hours and that was it. I was up. I had one final prescription to fill so I went to the pharmacy and back. Ankle is feeling good today. Too bad it’s crappy out or I would go to the grocery store to get some stuff that I need.

Last night, I had side effects again. I am having some now but they aren’t too bad. I really want to take nap. I am really tired from not sleeping through the night, again. I just had a cup of tea to try and stay awake but it isn’t doing much. I would make coffee but I am afraid it might give me the jitters because I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I can’t decide what I want to have for lunch. I really want a tuna sandwich but there is no tuna in the house.

As much as I really don’t want to, I have to see my father today because my mother is throwing my sister a birthday party for her. Her birthday isn’t until tomorrow but things get crazy after work so they decided to have it today. The funny things is nobody told me the time to show up. I hate feeling like an insignificant and just expected to show up when they call. It happens every year that I am the last to know when there is a party for my sisters or my mother or my father. Never fails. Not that I have anything to do, but it would be nice to be invited or told the news than get the phone call ten minutes before the party.

My father has told me that he was invited to dinner to my sister’s today. I just hope I don’t have to drive through this yucky weather to pick him up. I really don’t feel like going anywhere today. I know the roads are going to be slick and awful. I rather walk than drive.

Pain has shot up again and I all I did was go downstairs after making myself lunch. Damn thing always acts up when I am on my feet for more than ten minutes. I had to come back to my room to take some pain meds. People keep asking me what I am doing and I tell them nothing. I won’t tell them about my writing because I am not sure I am writing anything other than my blog. It is so hard because if I was working, it would be a different story. Not too many people know about my ankle injury. Now I have to go to a party and pretend that all is well with me. I rather say fuck that and stay in my room but it’s my little sister’s party and I want to be there.