Category: blogging

just so frustrating

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I just came home from eating dinner at my cousin’s house. We had a good time. I told him about my book but didn’t say anymore about the content of it. He is one of those people that thinks that if you don’t talk about suicide, it doesn’t exist. He doesn’t know about my attempts for this reason. He doesn’t want to hear about it. He rather hear about how crippling my depression is than hear about how suicidal I have been. It is a barrier so we just don’t talk about it.

I also didn’t talk about my being transgender. He made a comment tonight about how I am his favorite girl or something to that effect. I wanted to correct him but then I figured why bother.

I had an extremely long day that was mostly dealing with my family members. I think the only two members of the family I didn’t have to deal with today were my youngest niece and my brother in law, oh and my nephew. So three. I am exhausted just thinking about it. My morning was filled with going up and down stairs. My ankle is thanking me kindly right now with pain. No matter as I am about to take my night meds and go to bed. I am hoping that I will stay asleep till eight but I doubt it. My track record hasn’t been good and I didn’t get a good night sleep last night. I went to bed after two in the morning and then woke up an hour later. Took some Ativan and only slept for two more hours before I said the hell with it and stayed up. I lost track on how many hours I have been up. Plus I am sick so that doesn’t help me much. If I continue this way, I know I am not going to get rid of this cold.

I had therapy today and my therapist was on her high horse, which pissed me off. I warned her that if she didn’t settle down, I was going to hang up on her. The one advantage of phone sessions. I finally told her about what my AAS blog is going to be about. I didn’t tell her at first because I wasn’t sure if I told her what I did and I was afraid that she would be mad at me or get all worried on me. I don’t know when this post is going to be published but when it is, I will reblog it here. I think it is an important post about chronic pain and suicide.

Tonight while I was over my cousin’s, I was thinking of suicide and how I don’t think much about it these days. I guess because my chronic pain is well controlled and I am not hurting too much these days. But the depression. Man, that is a whole other can of worms!! That is making me wish I was dead so bad. I just don’t want to be alive and there is really no one I can talk to about this. I haven’t been able to tell my therapist because we have been dealing with my family issues lately more than my suicidal thinking, or death wishes. They are more like death wishes than actual suicide thoughts. I am not planning my death or anything. I just wish I was dead. I dread waking up most mornings. I have been having bad dreams. So I can’t even have a restful sleep even if I wanted it. It’s so distressing. I haven’t told my therapist about the dreams. She knows I have been having weird dreams but not every night. She doesn’t know that and I am afraid to tell her because I know she wants to talk about it. I would talk about it but I don’t remember the dreams. I remember the people in my dreams but not what they were doing or anything like that. It is so frustrating. And makes me wish I was dead all the more. I just want to escape. I need a place I can go to without judgment and criticism. Away from my family for a little while. I don’t want to go into the hospital because they aren’t going to do much for me and will most likely make my sleep worse. Plus I am not suicidal so it is not like I need to be in the hospital. I just want to die. I feel like the future is closing in on me where it was expanding on me before. Maybe I don’t have a future. I still believe that I am meant to kill myself. But I don’t have the lethality to actually follow through with it. It’s just so frustrating. I can’t live and yet I can’t die. WTF am I supposed to do. Yet I continue to exist. And I don’t like it.

Beeping Alarm

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Beeping Alarm,

Since Saturday night, there has been a fire alarm beeping because of low battery. Trouble is there are like 5 in the same location and its not like the alarm is going to give us any hints by raising a hand. The beep is like every half hour to an hour apart so timing it has been difficult. Today I decide the hell with it, I will just change ALL the batteries. Wouldn’t you know it is the fucking one I can’t reach??!! UGH. Now I got to wait for my Bro in Law to get it. #shortpeopleproblems And what pisses me off is that these alarms are electric so why they need a damn battery to begin with is beyond my sense of reasoning. It’s not like when the power goes out there is going to be a fire, unless it’s electrical. Then I am screwed. And I don’t think a battery alarm is going to help me.

I am feeling better though I still have the sniffles. Mood wise I am still feeling blah. I got the courage to IM my editor to find out the time table for her getting my book. She said the middle of March and I am wondering whether that means this week or next. I really just want to know so I can have an ample supply of Ativan on hand. I am going to need it because I am going to be anxious as all hell, more than I am now.

Watched a little of the Sox game tonight. It was good to see the broadcast combo of Jerry and Don. Nice to see the Remdawg (Jerry) back in the booth. He has been missed.

I didn’t go out today except to buy cream for my coffee, only to find out my sister had a carton in her fridge. So if I feel like using my French press again, I am all set as I won’t have to go to her place to make coffee. I might tomorrow as I have been craving a cup of Tribute blend coffee. It is one of my favorite blends Starbucks makes and it only comes out in the Spring. It is so good. I have had a bag in the freezer for a while now. I hope it is still good.

Today is Carrie Underwood’s birthday. I haven’t tweeted her yet, even though I have been on twitter most of the day. She is one of my favorite female artists in country music. She was out before Taylor, I think with the whole Idol thing. Today they played a song from her Carnival Ride album, I told you so. I loved that album. Unfortunately, when I bought it off Walmart (they had the cheapest price for music at the time), I never made a CD of it so lost it due to copyrights/license issues when my computer died. I was so mad. I tried several different ways to get the thing on CD or to rip it and it never worked. I couldn’t even play the files on WMP even though they were WMA files. So I will have to repurchase the album now. And I will make a CD copy of it so I have it!

Stupid alarm is beeping again. Think I will put my headphones on so I don’t hear it anymore!

no longer a nobody

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I have been listening to the RENT soundtrack. I forgot how much I miss listening to it. I also remember watching it with the original cast back when I was in college. It was totally awesome. The only problem is that I seem to have lost disc 2. I have no idea where the original CD holder is. I have looked in several places in my room and have not turned it up. I hate that I won’t listen to the full musical. But I like disc 1 better than disc 2. It will turn up when I am looking for something else.

Today I tried to load my profile for Dragon and was not able to do so successfully. I will try tomorrow as I don’t have patience right now to deal with it. But at least I loaded it on my new laptop and it seems to work well with Win 8.

I am feeling stressed. I think my editor might be contacting me next week. It will make the book experience that more real for me and although that is a good thing, it scares me. It is one step closer to actually calling myself a writer, of being an author. And with that title means that I am no longer a nobody. Granted I won’t be joining the ranks of Hemmingway or anything but I can call myself an author and that is a big deal to me.

I finally got out of the house today but I couldn’t stay at my happy place. There was a sick woman who despite having a fever, a cough, and the runs, she was having her Starbucks. Why the fuck she wasn’t home, I have no idea. I just got my latte and my bag and left. I can’t risk getting sick from that idiot.

cabin fever and psychoanalysis

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

I have been feeling cooped up as I have not gone out of the house, with the exception of picking up my prescriptions yesterday. That didn’t take too long, I might have been out of the house for at least thirty minutes or so, maybe less. Today I had no intention of going out but I have been stuck in my room because I really don’t want to eat all the food in the house. My appetite is crazy and I don’t know why that is. I know part of it has to be because of boredom. I am also alternating with eating and sleeping so I know the depression is still kicking around. But I need to get out of the house. The weatherman say a storm might hit tomorrow. He isn’t sure. Guess it depends on the currents and such. I hope it doesn’t as I really want to get out of the house tomorrow and have a jittery latte. I will be a bundle of nerves when I see my pdoc. That will be great! My not having coffee or caffeinated drinks is making me intolerant when I do have them.

I also have been craving alcohol, and not the rubbing kind. I have been having a drink here and there but now I seem to want it every day. I am really craving whiskey and I know it has to do with the increase in seeing my father more. He brings out the best in me. I tolerate him by drinking. Bad habit, I know, but I very rarely drink otherwise. And being stuck in the house is not helping the craving. I also want gin. I actually bought a whole bottle but only have had a sip of it. I like these drinks straight up, with no other liquid or juice, unless it’s other alcohol. Then it’s ok. I am not an alcoholic. I drink infrequently to be one. But when I do, it’s like the flood gates open. I drink until I get sick and then I stop drinking. I am a binge drinker, I will admit to that. I don’t know how I am going to handle dealing with my father’s illness and taking him to the doctors every couple of weeks for his blood test. I just want to drink. If I can’t kill myself, I will drink. I still owe my adoptive father a shot when he passed away. I will drink to his memory too.

Because I was bored out of my tree, I decided to pick up “the Savage God” and read where I left off. It was interesting reading this book when you are not so suicidal. Things actually make sense. Though the author was talking about Freud and his ideas of suicide and some other psychoanalyst I have never heard of, the concepts were valid in a weird way. Now I have not been in the psych field long enough to really give Freud his due. I did study psychology as an undergrad but it has been years since psych 101. I do actually plan on taking the course again so I can refresh my memory a bit. The author was also talking about the ego, superego, and Id. I forget which is which so I was just going by what the author was saying. And that is why I need to take this course again. I will break down and go to the community college down the street from me. I just hope I can enroll as a non-degree student. Or even take it as a, damn I forget the word. It’s when you take a class but you don’t receive credit for it. I know I will remember this at two in the morning. GGRRR.

The gist of what I am trying to say was that Freud had no clue about suicide anymore than anyone else. He used the term death instinct but there was really no basis for this as other people who followed him found out. So the big psychoanalyst couldn’t explain suicide like he could his other theories. I find that a little disturbing but I really want to read his work on melancholia. I am fascinated by Freud. I once read his book on humor. It was dry as all hell and at times difficult to follow but it showed the analytical side of why people crack jokes. It was very interesting. Course I have no idea where that book is today as I would love to re-read it. I think it is my only book about Freud. I hope to own his collections one day. Though I know there are not that many psychoanalysts in the world today. You are more likely to find an eclectic therapist than you are a traditional psychodynamic one. Though there are other modes of therapy. You have cognitive, cognitive behavioral, and then behavioral therapy. There are others, such as humanistic and something that begins with an “ex” that I always forget but they are not so much around here.

I have an eclectic therapist which means she doesn’t focus on any specific form of therapy but knows of the different kinds of therapy. It helps to have this type of therapist because you can talk more freely, I think anyways. And there is less therapeutic interference such as homework and such. Usually, I am bringing material to her more than she brings the material to me. And usually I give her the homework. HA how is that!