Category: chronic physical pain

Night filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night filled with Pain

I didn’t have any weird dreams last night but I did wake up at 0300 in pain. It woke me from a sound sleep and I couldn’t get back asleep until a few hours later. My day was shot before it began. My foot and ankle have been competing most of the day as to who is going to hurt me more. I didn’t go out today. My father is getting transferred to a rehab facility today. It’s a place a few towns over and I hope it’s on a bus line.

I would have gone today but I am in too much pain. I did a lot of walking yesterday and I am sore today. I just slept most of the day with the aid of pain medication. I really need sleep and relief from my pain if I am going to be of any use to my sisters over the next few weeks. I am so tired that writing this blog is painful. My thoughts are just not there. I am very sad to hear that my father only has a few weeks left to live. I just can’t wrap my head around it right now.

I know that my grief is going to complicate my depression or vice versa. It’s going to be hard to tease out the biological cause from the emotional cause. I thought I would be immune to it but I guess I am not. I know I have moved on mentally from my father but there is still some attachment. I know that I probably will have to go in the hospital after all is said and done. I’m hoping not but you never know.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night to tell her the news. I haven’t heard back. I also asked her if our appointment next week was still a go. I really need her support through this. I was tempted to page her to talk to her because I was out of my element. I have never been as sad as I was last night. The pain I think made it worse. I had wanted to eat something but I could barely stand on my foot last night. I drank a couple of Ensures for my dinner.

I think I ate my last pastrami sub for a while. It was very good but it’s been the only thing I have been eating all week. I haven’t touched the food that I bought. I still have black bean burgers and tuna. I just have lost interest in eating them. I hope tomorrow I can eat some of them. I still have my sourdough bread, though it’s weeks old now so not that fresh anymore. Maybe I can make French toast out of it before it becomes penicillin.

Rainy Day in Boston

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rainy Day in Boston

I had an aggravating day and the rain didn’t make things better. I don’t know why I don’t carry my pain meds on me when I know I am going to be out of the house for more than a few hours. I was at the hospital visiting my father because the social worker was suppose to come by between 11-1130. I wanted to be there because we had some things to discuss. 1230 comes by, nothing. 1330 comes by, nothing. Another hour passes and I am pissed now. The nurse finally got a hold of her for our concerns and the paperwork we needed. The idiot gave me the stupid run around about the health care proxy. I was supposed to give it to her was my understanding but she said the social worker needed it so that was what I was waiting for. Soon after that, my sisters got my father all riled up and I took that cue to fucking leave. My foot was ready to explode in pain and I wanted to be close to home when it did.

Except when I was close to home, my sister said I needed to fill out some more paperwork and had to go back to the hospital. I was cursing. My foot was cursing. The three metatarsals that always give me grief in the rain exploded and I had to limp back to the hospital and the care unit where my father was. It was the longest walk I ever walked. Then of course, I had to walk the same way back to the train station. I am in so much pain and the rain is not helping me out one bit despite the temp being in the fifties.

When I got to the hospital, the prognosis of my father was given. He has weeks to live, maybe a month if you push it somehow. We finally have an answer. Not one we were anticipating but it’s better than not knowing and leaving uncertainty. My sisters and I are making arrangements and such. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it but I can’t. I am just so damn sad.

Before all the trips to the hospital, I went to Starbucks and got a caramel Macchiato and a breakfast sandwich. Then when I was at the hospital, I had half of my father’s turkey sandwich. I think I will finish the day with an Ensure as I am not in the mood for anything else. I thought about making a tuna sandwich but my foot will kill me if I stand on it. I took some pain meds and I am already starting to feel the effects. I don’t think going down some stairs right now will be a good idea.

New PJs and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New PJs and other things

I took a chance on getting a large as they didn’t have an XL in the new pjs I ordered. They fit and that is all that matters. I now have Superman PJs! I feel like a little kid. We didn’t have this stuff growing up so I am soaking it in. I would have bought new Sox jammies but I need to go to the store for it. They don’t sell it or advertise for it online. They will need to shortened because they are too long for me but I am just happy they fit.

I spent the afternoon with my father. He has unexplained neuropathy in his forearm and hand. I know what it’s like. It’s very unsettling and painful. My father doesn’t have a high tolerance for pain so we really don’t know what is going on. He just knows it hurts.

I have a splitting headache. I should have known I was going to get a migraine today because I was very nauseous this morning. I could barely move without the feeling of losing my stomach contents. There were no contents as I haven’t eaten much today. I did have a turkey sandwich that my sister made that she didn’t want. That and Ensure have been the only thing that I have had today. I just am not that hungry and having this migraine isn’t helping.

My sisters and I have been talking about end of life care for my father. It hasn’t been an easy day as we want answers from the doctor but he is remaining elusive. We really haven’t had a sit down with the doc because of his fluid issues and worsening liver problems. And of course, it’s always rush, rush, rush, when we see him. Sometimes I can barely understand him because of his Chinese accent. I hope he calls tonight with something but I don’t think he will. He isn’t the attending doc so “his hands are tied”.

I really didn’t want to see my father. I have been fighting the fatigue of depression for most of the day. All I want to do is sleep. Going out just made me more tired. I didn’t go to Starbucks like I normally would have because of the nausea. I really didn’t want something in my stomach that would come back up. I just wish I wasn’t so fatigued. I was practically falling asleep at the hospital. My father was sleeping until the pain woke him up and then I had to do something. What that something was, I have no fucking clue. All I could do was get the nurse, who of course at the time was with another patient. My father is an impatient man when he is in pain.

I have therapy tomorrow because I forgot to cancel before 1230. Maybe I can get out of Wednesday. I doubt it but I can try. I wrote my therapist a letter that I never got around to finishing. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with it. I might publish it as a password protected blog. I know I have been doing more of that lately. I apologize to my new readers as some stuff I can’t leave open. I am just paranoid the wrong person might read it and I will be in “trouble”.

tough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tough Day

I am having a tough day where all I want to do is sleep. My ankle is killing me because we had snow this morning and it’s cold. The temps that were in the 70s a few days ago are now in the 30s. I am surprised my back isn’t acting up. I am feeling cold and hot at times. I don’t know why that is. I just want to hide under the covers.

I sent my psych an email late last night telling her I was having a hard time. I didn’t go into specifics. She emailed me back this morning asking if there was anything she could do for me. I really wanted to ask her to send hugs but I felt funny about doing so. I just asked to send good wishes and then explained that my father was in the hospital again. I don’t want to go out today, at all, so I will see him tomorrow. I also told her that I planned on taking a shower but I wouldn’t hold my breath to it. My ankle is just too sore to stand for that long. I just finished making lunch and already it’s acting up. Think today is just a pain medication and sleep day.

After I had lunch, I took my NSAID. I haven’t been taking it regularly because of my not eating. Now that I have my appetite back, I can take it without worry of it burning a hole in my stomach. I won’t be joining BPD Chat tonight because they are talking about the stigma of the diagnosis and I don’t have BPD.