Category: chronic physical pain

Longest Day Ever

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Longest Day Ever

My sister wanted to see my father by T so I went along with her because I haven’t seen him in a few days. I also wanted to be there to see if I could see the social worker and the accounts person to ask questions about my father’s stay. The regular social worker was on vacation so I met with his covering one. She was nice and gave me the information that I needed. She also gave me the number for his doctor who I have to call to find out about his prognosis and other medical issues he is having.

My father didn’t look good. He was barely able to speak he was so weak. We were able to get him in a wheelchair and bring him outside for a little bit. He was really tired afterwards. My sister and I decided to catch the bus back home and that is when the longest day started. We waited over an hour for the bus. I was standing most of the way. My leg is killing me and so are my feet. We then decided to walk toward Mass Ave to catch the bus. That turned into a forty-five minute drive. I was so tired that I tried to sleep most of the way. But no, that wasn’t going to happen.

After we reached home, we had to go to the wake. I was already dressed up for it though I thought I would have time to change into a plain white T-shirt instead of my Cauda Equina one. Nope, no time. Had to rush to the funeral home. It was sad. There was even more standing at the home because the guy was young and there were a lot of people at the wake. No sitting for me. My leg already was hurting and I wish I brought some pain pills. By the end of the wake, I wished I was the one in the casket and my friend’s husband was alive.

Depression Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depression continues

I saw both my therapist and psychiatrist, back to back. Both were a few minutes late. I told my psych about the depression and how hard it’s getting to blog or even take an interest in things. I didn’t tell her my appetite still is poor. It was difficult to talk to her as my thoughts were slow and I would start saying something and then forget what I was saying mid-sentence. She said the sadness was normal. I told her the Zoloft is helping me cope at this point. She wanted to increase it but I told her no. I think it’s starting to make me sick and I don’t want more. If anything I wanted to decrease it but I will stay at my current dose of 50 mg for the time being. I also told her I was also having post nasal drip so that could be contributing to the nausea as well. I haven’t sorted it out yet. I wasn’t nauseous this morning so I am thinking it’s just the post nasal drip that has me sick.

In therapy we talked about going to the hospital. I told her I don’t think I am depressed enough to be admitted because I am not suicidal. My therapist’s fear is that when I have energy back, I will become suicidal. She could tell how tired I was in my voice. She thinks my not eating is reason enough for admission. I told her I would email my psych and see what she thinks. Things were going fine until my sister texted me about my father wanting lozenges. I kind of lost it. Something in me snapped. I don’t get why she couldn’t call the floor if she could call him. I did call but of course you need a bloody doctor’s order for it. I told my sister to get him a bag of Halls for tonight when she sees him. I won’t be seeing him tonight. I am fricken exhausted and my leg is killing me. It’s swollen and my psychiatrist saw that it was swollen. I was scared she was going to send me to the ER but she didn’t. I just really need to stay off it so the swelling has a chance to go down.

My psych emailed me back. She is fine with me being admitted and I can be admitted if I go to the ER. So now I got a choice to make. I will feel guilty. I know this will put added stress on my sisters as I won’t be there, but I do need to get this depression under control. It’s been three and a half months now and no sign that things are going to get better. I think I will be going to the ER where my psych works. It will be difficult because my former coworkers will be running my tox screens and blood tests. Least now the labels don’t have a diagnosis on them anymore. I know they are going to ask “why now, what has changed”? I will just say I feel more hopeless about my future than I did before. Now the question is what the hell do I pack? I have been struggling with this for weeks now. I just don’t know what bag to pack, my suitcase or a backpack.

Sad and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sad and Hurting

I had a meeting with my father’s treatment team today. He is improving as well as a dying man can be. They think with time, he will be able to come home once his stamina and strength are back. I went to see him in the afternoon as I needed to sign some papers and give a copy of the health care proxy. When I went to his room and he was sleeping so I just let him be. I didn’t want to get him riled up. Walking to the place from Mass Ave was a doozy. It was a steeper hill than I thought it was. I was able to climb up it but it took a lot out of me. Then I stood for the hour for the bus. My ankle and calves are not happy with me. I know I am going to need extra medication tonight for pain. I already took an Ativan to calm the calf muscles down some. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow and I need to go out to see my psychiatrist. I have the rest of the week to rest. I now know a better way to get to the nursing home than the way I went. I am glad the place is T accessible or I would be screwed to get there. I would have to go with my sister every time and that is annoying.

I only had a cold cut sandwich today for breakfast. I am not hungry for anything except a pastrami sub. I have no idea why that is my comfort food right now but it is. And the thing is, I am running low on funds so I might only be able to get one more and that is it. Sucks living off a monthly check.

I had therapy today. We talked about the Zoloft. I think it’s starting to make me sick but I have Zofran to counteract the nausea. I just have to run it by my psych that it’s ok to take it. I think it’s helping me to cope with all this stress. I don’t want to increase it just yet because if it is making me sick, it will just get worse. I might have to lower the dose. The nausea is worse in the morning then gets better so we’ll just have to see how it plays out. Plus I have post nasal drip that is also worse in the morning so it could be a combination of medication and the PND making me sick.

We also talked about my father for most of the session and my mother’s latest spell. I am just sad that both are sick at the same time. But the good news is that being sad is normal and different than my depression. It’s kind of weird being sad when you are depressed. I am very stressed about my father’s illness and his cognitive decline. He was at the conference call with the treatment team but didn’t understand what was going on. That was part of the reason I didn’t want to wake him up because I knew he would want me to sign him out. And I didn’t want to be the bad guy.

My ankle is throbbing so bad right now and I can’t find my compression bandage wrap thing. You always find it when you aren’t looking for it. I know I need to get another one because the one I have is too tight due to the swelling of my ankle. I think I will need an XL. I need to go to Walgreens because trying to find it online is not as easy as it sounds. You only get a million choices and you really don’t know if it’s really what you are looking for. I already took two pain pills for the throbbing. I hope to sleep in a few hours from now. I really hope the throbbing doesn’t get worse or turn into severe pain. I know I did too much standing today and I am going to pay for it. I just hope I can walk tomorrow so I can see my psychiatrist.

My therapist asked about my writing. I told her about the difficulty of writing my blog some days. Like yesterday it took me an awful long time just to write a little more than 300 words. I had a lot to say but I just couldn’t get my brain to crank out the words with my fingers. I actually did better writing in my journal than typing. Maybe I will do that next time and then try and type what I write. She said to bring this up to my psychiatrist as it’s a symptom of the depression. I don’t know when this cognitive stuff is going to leave me. I thought being on an SSRI would help some of the physical symptoms but it hasn’t. I have low appetite, sleep is affected, energy is affected, I feel guilty most of the time for no reason, also feel worthless, and now the cognitive stuff. It just really sucks. I want to be able to be there for my family but I am declining. I am so tired all the time, even with getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night. I am surprised I had the energy to climb up the hill to the nursing home but now I am totally wiped out. I know tomorrow is going to be worse.

Saturday blog 46

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I saw my father in the nursing home. They are trying to rehab him for home. He is trying to do his best to get him there. I am not optimistic it is going to happen. He didn’t look good today, really tired and stuff. It was hard being there. My brother in law came with his PJs as we washed them at home. When he left, I did too. I really was sad to see my father so out of it.

I filled out the forms they needed to fill out. Basically they were the same as the ones I filled out in the hospital about DNR and such. My sisters went to the funeral home today to discuss options of cremation. Basically the whole life insurance will be for the funeral and church services. I forget if there will be a wake or not. It’s been a tough day. I hope my sisters are ok. I have been in my own world and haven’t really been asking. They have each other as they are closer to each other than I am to them.

The nursing home is going to be a little difficult for me to get to by walking and taking the T. I am going to try and go Monday afternoon and see how it goes. I just hope my leg can make it up the stupid hill. I never knew the town had hills. It’s not as steep as the ones in my neighborhood but it’s still a climb and will be a challenge. I just hope it doesn’t snow like they say it will. Otherwise, it will be another day.

I find it weird that my mother hasn’t asked how I have been doing since I told her that my father is dying. She told me today that she won’t be going to the wake or funeral. That is fine. They are divorced and she is not obligated to at all. Though it will be weird not having her there. I never thought about this. I just hope there isn’t questions as to why she isn’t there.

I have been trying to keep this blog going every day but with the stress of my father dying, I am not sure I can keep it up. It’s very difficult to write what I want without appearing like a bastard. I really miss the days when I was able to write and things would flow. That hasn’t been happening lately. I try to write at least 500 words. That to me is like a magic blog number. If I can write at least that many words, then I have accomplished something. But it’s extremely difficult and lately around 350 words, I lose gas. It’s easier when things happen during the day but even then, my thinking is so clouded by depression it’s hard to pluck words. So if there is a day that there is no blog, just know that I am still around but just having a hard time trying to write. I know I have daily readers and I thank you for reading.