Category: chronic physical pain

Ramblings 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m feeling very low. I can’t seem to stay awake so I made myself a cup of tea. I couldn’t be bothered with the process of making coffee. My comforter is in the dryer so I should have it shortly to take a nap before my niece’s birthday party. I am just so wiped out.

My hip is being a bitch. I guess I pulled it a little more than I thought I did while changing my sheets. I tried doing a few exercises for the hip but it had no effect. Even the pretzel maneuver did nothing but I did stretch my buttock. I am cold and I just want a damn snooze. It’s 50 degrees out and I am cold. Makes no sense.

I want to write but I don’t know what to fucking write and this frustrates me. I was thinking of a story last night but nothing came of it. I am starting to think this writing thing is just something my therapist and psychiatrist want me to pursue so I have something to do with my time rather than have a career with. I haven’t sold any books lately. I sold one book the beginning of the month and that has been it. It’s hard to go on writing when you know you got to self-promote. I wish I could talk to writers about their work and what they are going through. The groups I joined on Facebook are just not for that kind of thing. And other writers are not so keen to let their writing secrets available. I have been following a writer’s tip on Twitter and they just say you got to write. I write every day on my blog, and I am happy with it. If that is the only thing I do a day, then I am happy. But it makes me depressed because I feel like I should be doing more.

I don’t know what the more would be. Maybe reading a book about writing will help. Only thing is, I can’t start something new until I finish one of the three books I have started. I don’t feel like reading today. All my energy went out the window when I changed my sheets. I really don’t feel like going to this party tonight but my niece is important to me so I will go anyways. I won’t stay too long. Just until cake is served and then I will disappear.

Last night I was looking through a book I just bought on Cognitive Therapy and suicidal patients. The safety planning was the same as what I printed out. They had a card version which I think will be better than a sheet. It really sucks being disabled. I don’t know what to do with myself. I need a routine and I don’t have one or can’t stick with one.

Tomorrow I got to make sure I eat something hearty as I will be with my father and the last thing I need is low blood sugar. I also need to make coffee because I won’t be going to Starbucks tomorrow. I have to remember a few things to bring with me. Tomorrow is going to be close to 60 degrees. I need to remember to dress appropriately or I am going to sweat my ass off. I will wear jeans and a light sweatshirt. I plan on bringing my tablet so I can read if I am inclined to. I know he is going to be in there for at least ½ hour. Wednesday is going to be a longer day as we got to meet with the doctor. My youngest sister will be with me. I am glad I don’t have to go alone with him to these appointments. I would really lose my fucking mind. He is getting more ornery and cranky lately and I think it’s because the ass doesn’t eat. Maybe I will make him a sandwich and see if he will eat it. I don’t believe I just said that. This will be the routine for the next two weeks. I am so not looking forward to it.

I haven’t had any ankle pain today, not above my normal anyways. I know that the temp changes are going to wreck havoc for me. I think that is why my back has been aching so much lately. We went from the 20s to the 50s. it’s supposed to be reasonably warm all week. I hope it stays this way but it is February. Things can change. I am glad the Farmer’s almanac was wrong about this year. Last year was brutal so I don’t think this year will be.

I think tomorrow I am going to search for PTs. I have to find one that is close to me. I would really like to go to the one in Boston next to the hospital I go to but they haven’t called me back. I will try again tomorrow morning. Hope I get a human and not a voice recording. Going back to PT just feels like a defeat. I know that I need it because my back is all messed up, but I feel like I should be able to be okay or do the exercises by a book or something. And I am worried that any strength/conditioning is going to flare up my ankle. If this happens, I doubt I am going to complete the course prescribed. And I don’t want them messing around with my ankle. I went through a course of therapy with my ankle and it didn’t fare well. I was in more pain than I was before. And I better have a therapist that is willing to work with me than say do this or else. I just hope that me waiting another 2 weeks doesn’t cause more damage than what I already have. The weird part is, I feel like I can do without therapy and then my hip will flare up.

It’s Done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s done!

I just spent the last half hour wrestling with sheets. To my surprise, I got the fitted sheet on the first go round. Now I am washing my comforter and the dirty sheets. I am fucking pooped. You would have thought that I did manual labor. My back is thanking me kindly for the struggle. I am happy that I changed my sheets finally.

I woke up this morning sneezing my head off. I knew then I had to change the sheets to see if that made a difference. Soon as I removed the sheets, I found foam had become dislodged and I had them all over my foam topper. I really need to replace it but I don’t know what to do with my current one. I will need to cut it up so that can be disposed of. But it’s heavy so I need to be careful with it. I remember when I got it years ago, it took two people to bring it up the stairs. I haven’t been able to find another foam topper, which is part of the problem. It has to be the same or my sheets aren’t going to fit.

With all the sneezing, I feel wicked congested. This time I am going to try just to keep my current book I am reading, journal, and laptop on my bed. And a notepad. These are the essentials. Mail and other stuff I’ll just put on my desk. It’s accumulating a very big pile. I will have to go through it one day. Not today though. My back is needed as today is my niece’s birthday. It wouldn’t be good for me not to show up.

I’m feeling really depressed despite my accomplishment. I am also really tired but I don’t have a blanket I can put on my bed until the comforter is washed and dried. I’m glad I took a shower last night. I don’t think taking a shower today would be a good thing.

I finally moved my bowels today. I was getting so worried. I think drinking extra water and taking fiber pills helped. But now that the hard stuff is out of the way, I worry about having the opposite problem because I was taking so much stuff to go. I was talking with a friend who takes more opioids than I do and she has to take something to reverse the binding effects of the medication. I know I got backed up because I wasn’t eating and taking the senna every day. If I don’t take the senna, I don’t go and it’s hard to get back on track.

I haven’t had coffee yet. I think I will have some Pike. I haven’t had it in a while. I also have the Hawaiian coffee that is stronger than the last batch I had. I will make that tomorrow.

It sucks that there isn’t anymore of my favorite sports playing. Baseball doesn’t start for another month and it won’t be on the radio until April. I am boycotting NESN because they fired Don Orsillo so I won’t be watching any baseball on TV. I like listening to the radio anyways. I listened the majority of the season last year.

Not Ready to Make Nice

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Ready To Make Nice

This song has been running in my head today. The lyrics are poignant and sharp. I am not a big Dixie Chicks fan. This song is the only song of theirs that I own. And for all I know this is the last song they recorded. I think the song is about the inherent hatred in the States at the time the song was written. The line about how a mother could teach her daughter to hate a perfect stranger speaks volumes. And then the line about “shut up and sing or my life will be over”. The Chicks got death threats after they made some comments about the current president, George W. Bush. They were a rival group who then drifted off. The reason the song is in my head today is that one of the psychologists I follow on Twitter has been going on and on about racism, how we are brought up with it, and how people are even if they say they are not. It has been bothering me all week but I can’t tell him to shut up. Who am I to tell another person this? It is HIS views on the matter. He is a white gay male and I still haven’t figured him out. Just when I think I have, he blows my mind again. He is interesting, that is for sure.

The song talks about forgiveness as well. That part resonates with me. “They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting”. Have a listen to it. It really is a great song.

I did a few errands today then made coffee. It was good but I couldn’t finish the cup. I think I put too much cream in it. I have no plans for the day now that my errands are done. I might print off the research article so I can read it. I have been planning on doing it the last few days but can’t manage to stand up to print it. I really should clear off my bed so I can change my sheets and then print it out. Thing is, I know that changing my sheets is going to kill me for the rest of the day like it always does. I am not looking forward to it.

I didn’t take my meds last night. I haven’t really taken all my meds all week. I just haven’t been in the mood to guzzle 12 pills. So I just been taking what is necessary, or what I feel is necessary. My doc sent in my 90 day supply for my blood pressure pills but they haven’t been delivered yet. They are on route. I don’t know why sometimes I get it the next day after processing and then sometimes a week after. Makes no sense. I am running low so just been taking it once a day rather than twice a day. I really don’t want to run out. I have been monitoring my BP just to make sure it stays within normal limits. I have my other BP med to try and keep it stable until I get my new script. Tomorrow I will fill my pill box for the week so I am not playing hodgepodge. The only med that I might run out of is my allergy pill. I totally forgot to order it from Amazon but getting my groceries were more important. I have no idea why money is tight this month. I think it’s because I paid my cell phone bill twice so I can be ahead of it. I haven’t fallen behind but I like to stay a month ahead if I can.

I want to try and save money this year. It’s going to be difficult because I am on a fixed budget but I am trying to see if it’s possible. Even if I save $200 that will be something. And something is better than nothing.

I need to shower today. It’s been two days since my last one and I want to try and keep the every other day schedule. Right now I don’t feel like it but the day is still young. The coffee gave me some energy so I am going to use that to clear my bed off. Even if I take off just a few items, that will be an accomplishment. I have this corner of my bed that tends to accumulate stuff. I don’t know how it happens. I am going to tackle that area first and see how my back does. Just walking to do my errands today put a little strain on it. I really can’t wait to go to physical therapy. I really want this kink in my hip to be gone. That is the frustrating thing because once it flares up, I can’t do anything. I can’t stand or walk. I can only sit and rest until it goes away. Then my day is done. I hate back pain.

Fucking Aggravated Beyond Pissed Off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fucking Aggravated Beyond Pissed Off

So my father’s doctor is an asshole. He is never on time and when you do see him, he never apologizes for being late. My father wanted to leave almost 45 minutes into waiting for him but I told him he needed this appointment if we were to get refills on his medications. And I didn’t rent a fucking Zipcar for nothing but to get aggravated with him and his doctor. That wouldn’t be fucking fair to me at all because I am the one taking care of the bastard (father). I take him to all his medical appointments, even when I don’t feel up to it. I then relay the information to my sisters. But the ungrateful bastard doesn’t see it this way. He thinks he doesn’t need an EKG or blood tests or pills or any of it. I am so sick of taking him but out of my responsibility as the oldest child, I do it anyway.

I wish I had therapy with my therapist today. I could have used an extra session or a talk with her just for ten minutes. My grocery order was late this morning. I called them and they had my phone number wrong. I have been using them for fucking 2 years now and I got a text just fine yesterday saying when they were going to come so I don’t know what changed in 24 hours. The lady said that they were using all of one digit rather than a number and three digits that were the same. I don’t believe it. I even checked the paper I had to sign and the number was correct on the paperwork. I was bullshit but I got the delivery fee waived because they didn’t call me or notify me they were late. They came like ½ hour after I spoke to the customer service person, who was a very nice lady. I was kind of upset because they didn’t have the buttermilk in stock. My oatmeal pancake recipe calls for buttermilk but I have been using regular milk. I wanted to see if I liked it with the buttermilk or not. So no buttermilk oatmeal pancakes tomorrow morning.

I got my haircut done like I wanted to. My mother fucking hates it and I could care less. I am wicked tired. I even had a latte before the doctor’s appointment. But I did a lot with the groceries and then making me a sandwich. I finally took a shower today after I got my haircut. That wiped me out some but was able to rest a little bit before the groceries came. But walking to and from the train station to get the Zipcar is what did me in. My foot is not liking me right now. I made it work. And of course it flared up soon as we were a block from the house. It always does that.

I had to pull apart my OtterBox because the volume on the incoming calls was so low I couldn’t hear the person speaking to me. And when I did, I found out that I have been using the wrong kind of case all this time. I don’t really care at this point, or at this point in time. It suits me though having to take the sucker apart kills me. Those things are indestructible alright!

I know part of my irritability is from having my fucking menses and wearing female clothes. The only advantage to wearing a damn pad is that it prevents me from leaking to my underwear. I think my menses are over because I haven’t had any stuff on my pad today. If nothing is on tomorrow, I am done and can go back to my boxers and be happy.

I found the fridge for my mother and she was upset that it didn’t have a place for the ice. Why she doesn’t want a damn ice maker is beyond me, but whatever. The one I picked out “looked small” for the freezer section. The other one I showed her had a bigger looking section but had the ice maker issue. So I get to call the appliance store tomorrow and see if I can get it without the maker for a lower price. I am now annoyed because the last time we tried calling, we weren’t successful at all. I even complained to Twitter’s Searscares. They weren’t much help either, just sympathetic to my annoyance. If I were the one holding the damn credit card, I would buy the damn fridge and be done with it. I don’t think she is going to have an ice slot to put her ice trays like our fridge has. That is why they come with ice makers but you can’t tell my mother this. She just doesn’t want it. So I got annoyances from BOTH my parents today, one more than the other.