Category: chronic physical pain

Random 365

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s almost 0500. I woke up about a half hour ago because I had a dry throat. I thought I would be able to get back to sleep, but it hasn’t happened yet. I got a text saying that my grocery order would come between 1100-1300. I am debating staying up but not sure if I can as I am getting sleepy. I woke up from a strange dream where I was cooking dinner for my coworkers and every time I went to get something, I became distracted. It was a strange dream.

My psychiatrist emailed me back about the pain that I have been having. She thinks I should go back to the neurosurgeon but the pain is in my foot, not my back. I responded saying why can’t we just amputate and get rid of my ankle. Even now, though I haven’t stepped one foot off the bed, the ankle is growling as if I did something to it.

I want to get my haircut this morning. The barber shop doesn’t open until 0800. It will be good to be bald again, not completely. Just enough to have a little fuzz on top my head. I love having very short haircuts. After the haircut, I will come home and shower. That is the plan anyways.

I don’t have therapy today, though I wish I did. I like talking with my therapist. It breaks up the monotony of the day. But she no longer has times on Thursday like she used to. Tomorrow is the first day of the week that I will have nothing planned to do so I am not going to do anything. I hope my pain doesn’t come back because tonight I will be doing a lot of walking.

I just got order confirmation for the bag that I ordered. I can’t wait till I comes. My friend that is working toward his PhD just sent me an article that I asked him about last month. I am so happy. I will print it out later and read it. It’s another article dealing with suicidal patients. I will review the article once I read it.

Crashing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Crashing

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist today and cancelled late last night. I felt bad doing it but I was in too much pain from my outing with my friends and then I got another foot cramp. That settled it for me. I haven’t heard back from her, which probably means I need to email her again for another appointment time.

I am feeling really depressed today. I have been trying to stay in a good mood but today, the walls came down, hard. I just can’t stand being in pain for lengths of time. I know I have pain every day but this pain was around the clock, something I am not used to. And it was the same annoying pain. It never varied, which is why I needed to take my pain meds around the clock and if I didn’t, the pain would remind me to take it.

I think I was a little hypomanic and now I am crashing. I have no motivation to shower and I badly need one. I got away with brushing my teeth today but during the rinse cycle, damn back went into spasms. All I want to do is sleep but I am too restless to. I spent my checks on foolish things, but not really. The only thing that I bought on impulse was a messenger bag with a Pearl Jam logo on it. I have been wanting to get this bag for a while now and decided to get it. Now I am broke until my next pay period. I think I have enough left over to get a few prescriptions I might need during the month but that is all. I won’t be seeing my therapist this month. It’s just too much out of my budget. I did get my groceries. I knocked down the bill to less than $100 but I think when I added cold cuts it went up again. I tried. I won’t be trying my chicken and dumpling crockpot recipe until maybe next month.

I had therapy today. We talked about the crash. She agreed with me that it is a depression I am going through. I was really tired when we talked. She was worried about my back after I told her I had spasms while I was out last night, despite drinking water. I also told her I have no appetite. I am back to eating just one meal a day. Last night, I barely had anything to eat. All I had today was an egg burrito. I got heartburn afterwards because I haven’t been taking my heartburn pill all week. I haven’t taken any of my regular meds this week. I just don’t feel like taking meds. I will take my abilify and an Ativan so I don’t have side effects but that is all I will take. I just started taking the baclofen to try and ease the spasms. I really didn’t think the spasms in my foot last night were going to stop. It was terrible.

I have been thinking about how my therapist does things in regard to my suicidality. We will talk about it but we don’t really do anything about it. It’s like we know the elephant is in the room but we aren’t doing anything to make it go away. I often wonder why she doesn’t ask if I will be safe or have a safety plan in place when I start talking about suicide again and again. I know we do but sometimes I would like to be reminded about it.

Free Association

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Free Association

I am up and in pain so I thought I would write whatever was on my mind. I am tempted to shower but my foot would nix that in a heartbeat. I got 2 hours before my check comes in. I hope I am sleeping by then but something tells me that I am not. I didn’t even have any caffeine today, well nothing stronger than espresso and I only had half a cup. I had a latte around 1430, same time I always have it. Maybe I should make some coffee. I have never had it this late before. What is the latest you ever had coffee that wasn’t because it was work/school related?

My foot really hurts after all the cramping that I had. I emailed my psychiatrist and cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. I hated doing it but I had no choice. I can’t walk. And the appointment was really early. I still haven’t gone to bed yet. I know I should. I am awfully tired but I have this writing bug that if I don’t write, I can’t sleep. Normally I would journal but I thought it would be fun to blog this time.

I took some Neurontin to help me sleep. I tried Skyping a friend but it didn’t work. She had internet problems on her end so she couldn’t hear me. It was a bummer. In addition to showering, I need to brush my teeth. I was going to brush them today but I had the gags all day because I am not feeling well. I think I am going through withdrawal from one of my meds but I don’t know which on. My blood pressure is stable, though I haven’t been taking my meds. I have decided not to take my meds this week. I am in a real fuck it kind of mood. I did take my abilify. I have to take this med or I just go nuts.

Stigma and Ice Cream. I wrote a blog about that. It was a good blog but it was kind of weird because I started off talking about me being a loser in the first paragraph. I think I should cut it out. I want to add to it. And I just saved it instead of saving as. Fuck. Hopefully that won’t matter because I will add to it and it will be longer than what it is now. I will work on it tomorrow when I wake up. Hopefully, I will be in one piece.

We have been trying to get a new fridge for a while now. I am going to show my mother a couple of fridges I found online and see if she will buy one of them. We need a new fridge before our current one dies.

I think I am going to try and go to sleep. I keep typing typos and correcting them and it’s annoying me. I fucking hate that because it interferes with the speed of the typing.

I hope my psychiatrist isn’t going to be mad at me for cancelling my appointment with her. I would go and say the hell with my foot but I kind of need it to walk. And it hurts really bad right now. I don’t think I will be in any condition to leave the house at 0800 to be at her office by 1030 in a good space and pain free. Especially as it’s almost 0230 and I haven’t slept yet. I keep hearing a rumbling of voices outside my window. I know it’s probably the wind but I think someone is trying to talk to me.

So you want to hear something funny? My mother’s doctor was telling her that she had osteoarthritis and she told him no, like he had a screw loose or something. My sister got very frustrated with her. She deals with my mother. I deal with my father. But we are both losing our marbles over the two of them. They have it in their minds what is wrong with them and they are sticking to it no matter what science doesn’t agree with. It’s sad. But funny in way.

I got to seriously call the dentist and make an appointment. I think I have a cavity. I haven’t went in more than a year. But I don’t brush my teeth every day like some people do. I forget to brush my teeth or I just don’t feel like it. I wish the people in the window would stop talking. They are getting really loud.

So I went out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So I went out

I didn’t feel like going out today. I really didn’t. I wasn’t feeling good from the migraine I had this morning and my stomach felt off for most of the day. I barely ate while I was out with my friends for dinner. I took it home what I couldn’t finish. It will make a nice lunch tomorrow. But I had a good time and now I feel better, physically even though my ankle is being a brat. Tomorrow I have a longer day. I just hope I am up to the task. I see my psychiatrist in the morning. Therapist around noon time and then my father. I have switched my days going over to his apartment because of his little trip to NY with his GF. I can’t even spell it out because it makes me sick when he is with her. She is a nice lady and all, don’t get me wrong. But she will find out how rascally my father is one day and she is going to get hurt. I feel bad about this because it has disaster written all over it and she can’t see it. But they are having fun for now.

I was 45 minutes early for the next bus so decided to take a cab home. I am glad I did because I had to pee and waiting 45 minutes with my nerve condition would have been torture. I went and there was bleeding. I missed one fucking pill because out of it and I am bleeding already?? WTF. So I am not taking my meds tonight. Only Ativan because my back spasms are horrid. I even drank Gatorade today. I don’t know why I was cramping up. I drank a lot of water at the restaurant (hence why I had to pee). I didn’t drink any alcohol and I wasn’t up for it even though they were giving samples of it. I got carded. 40 years old and I got fucking carded. Unfucking real. The lady was doing math in her head and she couldn’t believe my age. I look young, what can I say?

I had therapy today. My therapist was in one of her moods where she talked and I listened. I didn’t care because I didn’t feel good. She kept asking me questions and I would answer them. Then she asked me what I was reading and I said you are just going to laugh. She laughed. I didn’t find it funny. She said it was to get it out of her system. Yea right. And the Pope is Irish. I told her about what I was reading even though she was laughing at my selection. She also asked if I was writing. I told her I wasn’t and she said not even blogs? I said yes to the blogs which I got a “oh” response. Like my blogs are nothing.

She asked if I was suicidal and I said I just want to die. End of story. She didn’t go into her tirade of questions afterwards for which I was grateful because it annoys me. I told her I didn’t shower today and had no plans to. I told her last time I did was Sunday. She was okay with this. Though I should shower before going to bed. I will take it in the morning. I did change my stupid underwear to female. I really want to fucking die now. I should have worn a diaper tonight. That would have been the ideal scenario. But I was too lazy to so I had messy drawers after my night out. Fuck.

It was warm today. I was bundled up like it was freezing out and it was in the 50s. Damn weather. I sweated my ass off. Another reason I should shower but I don’t fucking care. One night being dirty isn’t going to kill me. Several nights, that is a problem. But one night, I don’t think so. I still can’t believe I am bleeding though. WTF. After missing just one hormone pill? And it’s only Tuesday? I took two last night to catch up. A lot of good that did me. I am just so damn pissed.

I got email confirmation my doctor’s office can read an email! I got a 90 supply of one of my blood pressure pills. I am thrilled because now I don’t have to pay $20 for a 30 day supply, which is ridiculous! They messed up my other blood pressure pill but it’s still not as expensive as the 90 day one, and I got a 2 month supply so that was something. I just hope the stupid Walgreens alert refill doesn’t go off. It drives me crazy, especially when it goes off telling me to refill the meds I just picked up! Something is wrong with the app. I might have to uninstall/re-install it and see if that helps.