Category: chronic physical pain

Great Game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Great Game

I just watched the Pats beat KC Chiefs. It was a good game, though toward the end, you had to wonder why KC was killing the clock when they were down two scores. Oh well. Poor time management gets you no where.

I finally cleaned my ceiling fan blades during half-time and I wish I didn’t. I stretched my back to reach them (I have a low ceiling in my room) and am now hurting. That was why I was putting it off but I couldn’t stand the dust accumulation anymore. It drives me nuts. I am not an OCD dust person but seeing a bunch of dust makes me want to clean it. I hope it helps with my allergies or what ever is causing my nose to run like crazy.

Before half-time, I thought I smelled gas in the kitchen so I opened a window. It turned out to be the oil based paint my brother in law was using to paint something downstairs. It smells really bad and I think he opened the front door to let some of the smell out because it is drafty and cold in the house.

Mentally, I should be excited that my team won but I feel really down. Voices are still telling me that I am a no good SOB, though they seemed to have stopped telling me what to do. My anxiety/perturbation level is down so I guess they don’t have that much to go on. I can take the name calling. I am used to that. I will take some trilafon tonight as it is just annoying to hear. I am glad my psychiatrist got why they were amped up. She knows my stress level is dependent on the voices. I can tolerate stress pretty well but sometimes, especially with the SSD and then my back issues, I just couldn’t tolerate the stress anymore. I reached a breaking point when the stupid resident I saw for my back told me how to take the Neurontin when I was on a much higher dose than she was prescribing. Idiot. I used to take as much as 3600 mg a day so I know how to use Neurontin. A pesky 900 mg will do nothing for me and the voices knew that. That is why they wanted me to take the bottle, to be “effective”. I had to hide the bottle for a few days because I could easily have taken a larger dose than 3600 mg. But my pant size is already at its max for me and Neurontin makes me hungry so I rather not take it unless I have the burning pains I get. That is all this drug is good for. I know it doesn’t help my mother but she doesn’t give drugs a chance. She thinks one dose is enough to help her and doesn’t understand that you need a constant level to help lower the pain. Granted, she has never been on a high dose of Neurontin like I have and probably never will. I just worry that she might fall from Neurontin or something. I have walked into walls before and felt drunk. I usually felt this way if I haven’t slept off the effects of the drug.

I am glad my psychiatrist wasn’t afraid when I told her what the voices were telling me. I knew it was a fine line I was walking. But she knows when I need to be in the hospital and when I don’t. It’s usually up to me when I am in the hospital. She has only pulled the section card on me twice in the 20 years I have known her. And I have had a lot of hospitalizations in those 20 years. Being suicidal a lot of the time will do that.

Although I am relieved that my back isn’t in emergent need of surgery, I still cannot believe that a week will have passed to hear what the outcome of the MRI will be and what treatment I will be looking forward to in the next coming weeks. It’s still going to be a worry in the back of my mind until I know. As I was talking with my psych about this, I think PT will be the way to go. I hate to go back. Seems like I should just hire a PT and be done with it, but I can’t afford it. And I swear if they just tell me to go to a gym, I will fire them so fast. Or just ride a bike for 20 mins and then call it a day. I doubt I will be able to really use a bike as my leg is so damn tight and sore. I just don’t know where to go. I will figure it out once I talk to the surgeon.

hygiene and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I feel like I should get a medal. I showered and brushed my teeth, with pain and discomfort between my back and my damn foot. While I was drying off, my foot started cramping. It always does this and I don’t know why. It takes me at least 10 mins to recover to continue drying off. It fucking sucks.

It just started snowing so I won’t be going out. I wasn’t planning on it but sometimes I think a Starbucks reward for showering is in order. I’ll just make my Hawaiian coffee. Did I tell you about this nectar of the gods? My therapist gave me it for my birthday, not really as she bought it when she went to Hawaii in July. But when I saw her on my birthday, she finally was able to give it to me. I had it last week and it was very good coffee. I never had Kona before and I could tell the bag was just enough for a regular pot of coffee. I make coffee by the cup so I just used what I needed and it came out awesome. It has a very distinctive taste. Too bad it was just a small coffee bag. But I think I will be able to get at least three cups out of it. I only use 4 tablespoons.

I started reading “The Brothers Karamazov”. It is very interesting and very boring. No action occurs. Just writing, writing, and more writing. Sometimes he stays on point. Other times he varies off. But that is the Dostoevsky way. I just finished the first book and am working on the second. There are I believe five books in this novel. It’s going to take a long time to read this book.

I woke up early, around 0600 and I couldn’t not get back to sleep so I decided to get up and make some hot cocoa. I had a cereal bar and that has been it. I am planning on making an egg burrito for my lunch and breakfast. I might make some tater tots as well. It all depends on if my pain levels settle down. Taking a shower just takes so much out of me that it takes some time to recover. That is why it happens when I can’t stand myself anymore. I have tried to take it every other day or every three days but that hasn’t been working out for me.

I feel so sleepy. I really want to nap but the football game is going to start in a couple of hours and I don’t want to miss it. I want to make coffee but it’s really cold in the kitchen. The heat there sucks almost as bad as my room as there is no insulation in the walls and the radiator decides to work only when it wants to. My feet are cold and I know that if I go in the kitchen, even with my slippers, they are going to turn to ice. I don’t know why the house is so cold. It’s in the mid thirties so the heat should be cooking, unless my mother turned it down. It was really warm in my room earlier. I just put on thermal socks on my feet and a sweatshirt. I hope I start to feel warm before the game starts.

Disability and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I met with my psychiatrist today. She is doing good. She had a crutch with her but she did the last time she came back so I know it isn’t permanent. She assured me she was on her way to recovery. We did talk about the struggle of getting dressed and such and now she understands what I go through. We talked about all the stressors that have lead up to my psychosis, most of which was my back problems and not knowing the results of my MRI. She looked them up and it doesn’t sound too scary but she isn’t a neurosurgeon so doesn’t know what the impressions mean. The good news is I don’t have CES, which is my main relief. Whether or not I need surgery or just go back to PT is at the surgeon’s discretion. He still hasn’t called and I called the office today and of course there was an emergency. He knows I am looking forward to his call so it’s just a matter of him getting back to me.

We also talked about disability and she is convinced that with my back issues, I have total disability but I would be pushing it for mental. The woman that handles my case that wanted to know of changes, still hasn’t called me back. She might be on vacation so I will call Tuesday as Monday is a holiday.

The whole afternoon left me wiped out. I am so tired and in pain. My ankle did not want to walk on the way to the T stop to go home. I wish I brought my cane. I never had this happen before, usually it happens when I am in the vicinity of my house. But I had to collect my CD with my images and that cost me some steps. I just can’t walk around the hospital like I used to do. It kills me that I can’t do that anymore. I used to be able to without a problem. Now it’s a problem. My thigh is killing me now. I will just take some pain meds after I write this as I have nothing else I need to do today. I am just waiting to hear back from the surgeon.

I am feeling a little bit better that I don’t have emergency surgery in the foreseeable future. I did look at the images and they don’t look too bad. I have a bulge at L3-L4 and again at L4-L5 that likes to touch my L5 nerve root. But that has stayed the same. I just wish the voices would stop hounding me and go away. It will take a while for them to go away though. It’s been more than 5 weeks they have been active. I need to take more trilafon to really knock them out, but don’t tell them I said this. They won’t be happy.

I woke up early again today. I guess sleeping past 0700 is a myth. No matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up well before that time. I either have to go pee or I am in pain. Most of the time I am in pain then I have to pee after I take my pain meds. I still haven’t showered. I was going to this morning but said the hell with it and went back to sleep. I am glad that I set my alarm or who knows what time I would have woken up. I had to leave the house before 0949 so I can catch the bus to the Square and train stop so I could go to my appointment. If I overslept, I would have been screwed. My doc was running behind because of the new system. It was torture for her. She tried to enter trilafon as it wasn’t listed and couldn’t do it. It frustrated her to no end. I told her I haven’t been showering lately. She didn’t have much to say on the matter. I will shower eventually, but not today. I just am too depressed.

I sold another book. It’s in the UK so I won’t be getting the royalties. I have like 12GBP that is in my account but I can’t collect because the stupid bank doesn’t accept anything but USD. It is so frustrating. I still need to work on my book. But I have kind of given up on it because I think it will sell like my first book did. And self-promotion really sucks.

I wish we could just skip next week and go right to the week of the 24th. I am not looking forward to my father’s upcoming appointment and my appointment with the NP for my pain management. It’s the first time going to the office without my PCP there. It’s going to be strange. I know that I have seen the NP but I am not sure she is going to want to continue with my management so I don’t have to see the MD. I hear the MD is nice and all but I still don’t know her. My fears about this are what fueling the voices still. That is why meds haven’t taken care of them all. I know taking the meds would help tremendously but it’s a battle because they want me to take more than what I am supposed to.

Still Waking Up Early

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Still Waking Up Early

I realized I slept about seven hours or so, which is good for me. Trouble is that I woke up around 0500. I was in pain so I took my pain meds. My ankle felt like it was hanging by a thread. Weird sensation but that is what it felt like. I hate waking up in pain.

It’s too early to tell if the voices have stopped or not. I took some heavy dose meds last night, including 8 mg of trilafon and 20 mg of abilify. My psychiatrist is not going to like me taking so much abilify but I had to do something. I am worried the voices aren’t going to go away. I have to talk to my sister about me going in the hospital because someone will have to do my father’s meds. I hate going but I think it’s for the best at this point. I am not getting any better and I just keep getting more and more stressed out.

I’m going to go to the hospital today and get my report results. I am tired of waiting for my surgeon to call. Besides it will help take my mind off things by going out rather than just staying cooped up in my room all day. I’ll leave soon as I know the place is open. It’s still early so I can’t leave now. It’s dark out. I will take my laptop with me so I can view the results when I am at Starbucks. I really don’t want to take my laptop with me but sometimes it’s good. They usually give you a CD with the images on it. No one prints out films anymore. I can’t remember the last time I did get films.

It’s another cold day. I am going to have to dress warmly. I might just wear my long sleeved t-shirt and then my warm BoSox jacket. That jacket can really take the cold. I love it. I’ll also wear my beanie hat and I will stay warm. I hope there isn’t too much wind as that just brings the temp down more. I might take a shower today before I go out. It’s been a few days since my last shower. I used to be good at every other day but now I suck at it. It’s more like whenever I feel like it, which could be three days or more. Oh well. It’s not like I am going out every day anyways.

I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I go to Starbucks later, I will have a breakfast sandwich. It’s been a while since I had one. I might be hungry later anyways as I had the cereal around 0530.