Category: chronic physical pain

Surgeon and being cold

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Surgeon got back to me

I got a call from my surgeon this evening. He told me I had degenerative changes but nothing major going on. He offered me injections (I declined) or physical therapy. I opted for PT. His secretary will contact me with the information. I am glad he called me today rather than tomorrow when everything is going to be so busy in the morning.

I emailed my psychiatrist and texted my therapist with the news. I am glad I don’t need surgery, just physical therapy. I think it will be good because maybe I can get this kink out of my right hip and the soreness out of my left thigh. I know I don’t walk right because of my ankle issue and the PT is going to have their hands full with me because of my back issues. I haven’t thought where I want to go. Ideally, I would like to go to SRH as they were good to me there for my ankle, even though they didn’t help me. But they were trying to undo 14 years of damage in just a 30 min session. I didn’t have the patience or the tolerance to deal with the pain that ensued.

One less worry, for now. I hope I am not getting a damn cold again. My nose is clogged and I feel icky. I was able to shower, though my foot is killing me again. It’s going to be interesting to do physical therapy on my back with an injured ankle/foot.

It snowed today, our third snow fall of the year. We got a few inches, nothing major. I am hoping tomorrow it doesn’t freeze over as it’s supposed to be brutally cold. And of course, I will have to wait at the bus stop freezing my ass off. That is going to do *wonders* for my back. Just thinking about me makes me cold.

Random 945

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been sleeping on and off today. Pain has been the main contributor. I had a small breakfast and then went back to sleep. When I got up, I had lunch. My sister said she had salad so I had that and a couple slices of pizza. For dinner, I think I will just have a small bowl of cereal. I really don’t want anything else.

My mood sucks because of the pain. It’s quiet now but I just went up and down the stairs a couple of times so I know it will kick back up soon. I got to set my alarm for tomorrow morning and take a shower sometime tonight. I was going to take it this morning before the pain meds kicked in but the pain was just too much for me to stand for twenty or so minutes. It’s cold in the house so I might take one when it’s a little warmer or when the heat comes on.

I haven’t read anything today. I have been too sleepy to concentrate. Soon as I wake up a little, I will probably read Dostoevsky. I need a break from the psychology book. My therapist wasn’t in the office today because of the holiday. I wanted to see if I could see her but I guess not. Kind of sucks because I really wanted to talk to her. I feel like it’s been ages since I spoke to her and it’s almost been a week. But I am glad we are talking tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be tough. I have back to back to back appointments between myself and my father. That is why I am trying to take it easy today and stay off my foot as much as possible. I don’t want my foot to flare up like it did last night otherwise I won’t be able to wake up early tomorrow. I figure I got to leave the house by 0815 so I can be at the Square by 0845. That should leave me some time to get my coffee and then go to my appointment. I haven’t decided if I am going to bring my backpack. Probably not because I don’t see myself writing in my journal at all. I really don’t want to go to my father’s appointment but I have to be there. I just hope the surgeon calls in the morning, before my appointments. But my luck, he will call during and then I will miss his call. I hope he leaves me a message saying what he thinks and we don’t play phone tag.

Afternoon Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Afternoon Blog

I’m having a rough day. I woke up early in the morning. Went back to sleep around 0600 and then woke up around 1000. Was able to make breakfast without too much difficulty and then made coffee. The coffee energized me so I decided to read the psychology book, “Explorations in Personality”. I had to stop reading it in the middle of a page last night because there were no breaks and I was too tired to read the 5-6 pages to get to one. I read it to my despair. I tried to understand the language they were using but this book is over my fricken head. So I am just going with the flow of it. When I did come to a break, I decided to get dressed and pick up my prescriptions. I was feeling okay. Until I walked half a block and then the pain started. I continued my walk but it was too much. By the time I reached Walgreens, I was in so much discomfort it wasn’t funny. And why do they have the pharmacy always in the back of the store?? The extra walking really tired me out.

I walked home with ease but I was still hurting. Despite it being cold out, I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back into my room. I thought I was fine once things settled down and I was comfortably in my bed with my feet up. Now my toes are smarting really bad. It feels like I hammered them all day long and the bones, 3 metatarsals under my last 3 toes are killing me to no end. I must have pulled on the pereoneal tendon while walking home and didn’t realize it because that is where it smarts. I just took a pain pill to quiet things down. I went downstairs to watch the pathetic Caroline/Seattle game and eat some pizza. Wrong move. What was worse was going down to my sister’s apartment to talk to her about my disability and about my student loan paperwork. She said that I had nothing to worry about, that I am still seeing doctors and such that can prove that I am disabled. We were talking about my MRI and possible surgery. Well, that brought my anxiety through the roof, which activated the damn voices. They are once again calling me every name in the book as well as saying I am just a lazy ass and not disabled. And that I am a fake. Meanwhile my foot is flaring up to no end, which is causing my PTSD symptoms to flare. Yea, I am a faker alright. I texted my therapist saying that if I can’t get the voices under control by next week, I am going in the hospital. I am getting so damn exhausted struggling all the damn time with this. It’s gone on for too long. I know it’s my fault, I should have taken the PRNs to nip it in the bud when it first started. But I have a hard time knowing when I am in a psychotic break and when I am not. My first clue should have been when the voices weren’t my normal ones. You ever see the Charmed episode where Leo is haunted by the others (can’t think of their name right now). How they were just swirling around him as they were talking to him? That is what these voices are like, swirling around me so that even my normal voices can’t break through. But everything is in hindsight now. I don’t think my psychiatrist thinks I should be in the hospital but I am getting more and more terrified as these voices continue. I might just do what they want just to shut them up.

I did take a trilafon last night, too. But they only work for so long. It’s not a long acting form. I think they last 6 hours top, but I would have to look it up as it’s been so long since I have been on it. I just hope I don’t need more of the trilafon because my psychiatrist will flip out. I don’t think she has mastered how to do prescriptions with the new system. I have 7 pills left. I hope I don’t have to use many to get the voices under control.

I filled my pill box when I got home from the pharmacy. I figured why not as it needed to be done and with my psychosis semi-out of hand, I needed to be sure to take the abilify. It didn’t help a couple of weeks ago when I missed a few days. I probably wouldn’t be as psychotic if I took it continuously. I really messed up and can’t help blaming myself for my predicament. Getting the SSD paperwork really messed me up. But my sister said that it’s because of the false claims in New York where there were fraudulent cases that everyone is being reviewed. Didn’t help my stress levels to hear this. As much as she tried to reassure me that it were people who hasn’t seen a doctor since their disability was claimed, I am still nervous about being rejected. And the voices telling me I am going to be rejected is just screwing with me. It did help that my psychiatrist said that I have a good case because I had CES twice. But what bothers me is that my psychiatrist nor my therapist have received paperwork from SSD to support my claim. They will gladly sign off on it, but they need the paperwork to do so. Maybe when they get the general release from my hospital the paperwork from my psychiatrist is in there. I don’t know. Both my PCP and psychiatrist are in the same facility, though obviously in different departments/locations. I will just feel better once I get an answer.

Sleep Eludes Me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleep Eludes Me

I had about a three hour nap. I woke up coughing for some reason and now my foot has decided to ache again. I guess the pain meds wore off. The weather is to blame for this. I keep thinking I did something wrong with the disability papers, that I wrote something that I shouldn’t have or that I didn’t give them enough of what hell I am living. I wish I could die right now. I hate having this pain in my foot. It is quite severe. But it only happens at night. Never during the day when I am likely to see a damn doctor.

The coughing scared me because I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know if I was choking on my spit or air. It’s all hazy now. I guess I got the rest I needed for the day as I woke up around 0420. I don’t remember what time I fell asleep but I know it was around 0100 or later. I was fighting sleep then because I was in pain. Then it occurred to me that I should probably lay down and maybe I will pass out and I did. Only to wake up three fucking hours later. UGH.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I am still kind of sleepy and know that my pain meds will kick in shortly. I really need sleep. I want sleep. I don’t want to stay up all day with just three hours of sleep under my belt. It’s pissing me off that I can’t sleep right. And all because of fucking pain. I keep hearing Adele’s voice in my head. Her songs from her album are shuffling in my head as if they were playing. I don’t want to listen to music right now. It might wake me up and that is something I don’t want to happen. I don’t know if this music is normal or psychotic. It keep changing and the lyrics are the same so I am guessing it’s normal except the volume is on high. The lyrics are the same. They aren’t twisted as if they are talking to me or anything. I hate when music “talks” to me or has hidden meanings for me. It ruins my appreciation for the music. The last time music had its twisted themes and meanings, I ended up in the hospital. That was when the song “sirens” by Pearl Jam was stuck in my head, and I mean literally. Even if I played it to get it out of my head, it would still talk to me.

My blog about hygiene was posted in a mental health blog. I am either in the “leisure” section or the “entertainment”. This time I was in the “leisure”. I didn’t think that blog was so great, but I guess someone thought it was.

I got to do another grocery order. I am down to my last box of cereal. I am also going to try and get the slim fast stuff. I need to try and lose weight so my pants fit me again. I refuse to go up another pants size, especially after I bought three new pairs of jeans. I will try and get salad as well. I like having baby spinach but my damn mother ends up boiling it. It so frustrates me. I also need to get my cream and almond milk. I really like the almond milk, though I don’t think I am going to get the one with honey again. It just has a weird after taste. I should also get soy milk as I like that as well. I like the chocolate one and can suck it down like it’s going out of style.