Category: chronic physical pain

how can I keep myself away from me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

How can I keep myself away from me

I tried the not talking approach to my therapist today. I think it works better in person than it does on the phone. I just did not want to talk today at all. She tried to get me to engage with questions and I just shot her down. I kept telling her this is all pointless. Then she went off about how much I mean to her, and on and on with things like that. I just couldn’t hear her. I tuned her out, like I have most of my friends and family lately.

She wanted me to list the reasons why I want to kill myself. I thought about sending her the blog I wrote the other day but I can’t remember which blog it was. Once I write something, I forget it. It’s like mental eraser once I put it in a blog or on paper. So I will make a new list and please don’t think this is a whine list. I am already close to the edge and it won’t take much to push me off.

I don’t want to live anymore because I am not a full human, I am not a man. I will never be accepted by the society I live in, even if I were to get hormones. The people close to me, my family, will never call me a him or he. I will never be an Uncle, though I can’t imagine after almost 21 years, I can be called that. I have gotten so used to “aunty” that it just suits me, even though it isn’t the right gender preference.

I want to end my life because CES sucks. I am tired of being in pain every single day of my life, in some way, shape, or form. I can’t even have a bowel movement without pain, even if the shit is soft, I hurt. It’s all nerve pain so I doubt anything can be done about it. Luckily it goes away but I suffer for at least 15 minutes to a half hour after every movement. I never thought my life would come to this. And peeing myself every day is no help. I thought that shaving my pubic hairs would help but it doesn’t. I still smell if I don’t shower every other day. The worse part is that I don’t even know I am wet. I don’t have normal sensation down there since my second CES diagnosis. I know people can laugh it off but it really sucks for me because unless I use a pad (which is difficult with boxers), I leak. I just don’t realize I am full until afterwards. My urge to go is not that strong.

Dealing with depression and all that comes with it. The mental pain of living every day when you hurt physically and mentally yet you can’t take a narcotic pain med to ease that ache. I have tried. I once took a handful to ease the mental pain and it did nothing, NOTHING, for me. How can you continue to see a psychiatrist or a therapist knowing they cannot ease your pain. I have tried, desperately and in vain, to find something, anything, to ease this psychache. But all I get is talk therapy to address it. I am tired of talking about it. Nothing helps. Writing used to but now I just think I am a whine bag, going on and on about my little complaints on why I want to take my life.

I never will go back to school again. I will never embrace the academia again and that hurts me more than I say. I will never earn enough or save enough to go back to school, unless I hit the lottery but you have to play to win. I don’t even have the extra buck to play. I never will get my degree that I long for. And I feel like I have let my family down because of this. If I never got sick with mental illness, things would have been different. But this damn illness always gets the best of me. I have to go into the hospital at least once a year, sometimes twice because I just can’t handle “life” and need a “vacation”. If I didn’t have yet another breakdown in 2008, I probably would have got my degree by now and I wouldn’t be fucked with my loans. I don’t blame anyone for this. I blame myself for being sick. Living on SSD is not always as it is cracked up to be.

Then we have the employment issue. Will I ever be able to hold a job again? The past two months I have been plagued with hypomanias and psychosis which if I was working, would have been worse and I would be in the hospital again. And this is without a job! How am I supposed to handle work responsibilities when I can’t even handle no responsibilities? With the Long Term Disability still hanging over me, I still cannot get a job even if I wanted to. I really would like to go back to my old job part time. I just want to feel useful again. I don’t feel like I deserve to live because I feel so worthless. And being an author didn’t exactly give me the fame I thought it would. I still fight for every sale, every month. But self-promoting is hard work, harder than I thought it would be. I thought that when my book went on Amazon, it would fly off the shelves, so to speak. Hardly that. I never thought it would reach a best 100 status, that would be impossible and an unreachable goal. But to be in the millionth rank, well, that was not what I was expecting. And then you had to create an author page. I hate the way I look so I neglected for almost a year to put a pic up. I still don’t know what to say in bio so left that blank. All these things you need to do and yet no one tells you. You just learn as you go.

I hate my body image. I hate the way I look. I always have. I really don’t think that is ever going to change. I avoid mirrors like the plague. And no matter what pic or selfie I take, I always look like a moron. I am just not photogenic, but that isn’t what drives me to kill myself. I just hate me, everything about me sucks.

I think I have listed enough reasons why I want to take my life. These are the top ones.

Stupid back pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Stupid back pain

I don’t know what I did today but the side of my back is killing me. It’s making it difficult to sit or lie down. It also has been cramping so I have taken an extra baclofen to try and ease the spasms. I would have taken an Ativan but I don’t want to go to sleep. I am already sleepy because again, I had an awful night sleep. I woke up early this morning in pain. And then when I did get up to face the day, I was still in pain so took some more pain meds. This is why I don’t understand why my back is hurting. I also took an anti inflammatory med to try and ease it as I know it is muscular and not anything else. I think I need a massage on my legs and lower back/hip. I don’t know of a place that does it. The last place I went to before I had surgery in 2006 nearly killed me. I was already in pain but was in worse pain afterwards. It’s hard to find a good massage therapist at a reasonable cost.

I haven’t been in the best of moods today because I have been in so much pain and discomfort. I really am wondering if this is what my life is going to be like from now until eternity. I cannot fathom that, which is why I want to take my life before that happens. I really have been in an awful mood, sometimes weepy at times. Today is the anniversary of when the Titanic sank and President Lincoln was assassinated. Lincoln was my favorite president. I think I have read more about him than about any other president. I like Reagan, too. I have read some stuff on him but not as much as Lincoln. So today, for me anyways, is a solemn day. 1523 people lost their lives when their luxury ship struck an iceberg. I also have done research into the Titanic because I felt bad so many people lost their lives, when if they had measures they have today, it wouldn’t have been so disastrous.

I reluctantly had therapy today and will tomorrow. It was a hard session. My therapist was pissed off that I tried to cancel another week. Now she is not letting me go for any reason. I still need next Wed off because I have an appointment with my PCP. Session went disastrously. My therapist kept asking why I wanted to end my life and for the life of me, all I could think of was, why not? I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of breathing. If I could give my life to someone else, I would in a heartbeat. I just don’t want to be anymore. She read my goodbye letter and it disturbed her. She tried reading my psychosis story but it was too long for her to read. She didn’t have the time. She thinks that it should be in a book or something. I told her I have stopped working on my book because of my impending death. She still thinks she can talk me out of it and refuses to end therapy. I told her I was protecting her.

I wish I could just die right now. I just don’t feel like I can go on. I am just so tired of struggling. I need to stop here because pain is preventing me from sitting anymore. I need to get some pain relief.

Saturday blog 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide

Saturday Blog 18

I slept for most of the morning, which was good because I didn’t sleep good for most of the night. Pain kept waking me up. My brother in law was going to Stop and Shop so I went with him to get a few things. He told me my mother needed milk so I picked it up as well. I didn’t get my fish and chips like I wanted to because I was low on cash. I could just get the essentials, like cream, my powerade, and milk for my mother. That was all that I needed. When I get paid in two weeks, I will do real grocery shopping. I won’t be paying my cell phone bill again because it is already paid for the month. For the first time in months, I will have a little extra money so I might just get another online grocery order. It will save me time and energy from walking around the store. I can just click on what I want.

After the grocery store, I made coffee and watched the baseball game. We won 8-4. In the Bronx. Against the Skankees. HEHEHE. They made a costly error and then loaded the bases and we capitalized on it. Instead of the inning to be over, Aroid took his foot off the bag after review of the play. It was sweet that my favorite player, Brock Holt, then hit a double that cleared the bases. This guy is amazing. He was awesome last year and his awesomeness is continuing this year.

After the ball game, I watched some of my shows. I had to watch the Criminal Minds episode with Gary Sinise. I miss CSI NY so much that to see Gary again was a thrill. He still looks the same.

Other than going to the grocery store, I really haven’t done anything yet I feel really tired. I haven’t played any games all day. It was just sleep, store, baseball game, tv. I guess that is a lot of doing nothing but my ankle would beg to differ. It is hurting like I have been standing on it all day. I don’t know why, as I mostly have been sitting or reclining. But that is the pain syndrome for you. It does what it wants, with no rhyme or reason.

I wonder why is it that if you have terminal cancer and was given only a few months to live, people accept that reality more often than if someone says they are going to kill themselves. I keep thinking about things like this because cancer is held higher than suicide when it is just the same. You are going to die either way. Either through your own terms or cancer’s. And if you survive cancer, you are considered a hero. Yet you attempt suicide, you are shamed and blasted upon. I have accepted that I will probably take my life sometime this year. It is something I have thought about for sometime and though I am not thinking about suicide every day like I used to, I have a specific date that I want to end my life. Not because of shits and giggles, but because I am tired of being in pain all the time, mentally and physically. I know nothing can happen with my life. I fucked it up and there is no unfucking it, not unless I win the lottery. I will never be a therapist because I can’t go back to school. I am in the minority. I am transgendered and never will be accepted by anyone. And I just can’t live with this knowledge. My dreams went up in smoke when I became disabled, when I got diagnosed with mental illness when I was 16. I tried having a life but it just isn’t working out. I am depressed nearly every day for no good reason. I am tired of living this way. It must come to an end. I am just going to die anyway and I rather it be on my terms.

A day of buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A day of buses

I saw my pdoc today. We exchanged stories about being able to bounce back from surgery. She called me a role model as I was so severe with my Cauda Equina Syndrome and can hardly walk. Now, 14 years later, I can walk unassisted. She broke her hip right before Halloween and is still recovering from it. She doesn’t walk right yet, but she will in time. When I saw her a month ago, she was walking with a crutch. No crutch today so that is a good sign. Long as she doesn’t have any setbacks, she should recover nicely. We also talked about my roller coaster month. I seem to have stabilized as this week has been relatively “normal” for me. I am at my baseline depression and hope it stays that way. I still am waiting to crash but hope it doesn’t happen. I told her I haven’t been doing anything different. She asked if it was the weather, and I said I don’t know. I also told her that it might be because I am turning 40 this year, and she said “how did that happen”. Course, I have been seeing her since I was 17. That is a long time to be seeing her. We also talked about how today is my anniversary of becoming an author. She then asking jokingly when my next book is coming out. She already knew the answer as I told her about it the last time I saw her. I told her I might make out a sci-fi story out of the delusions that I was having. I am glad they are gone but man did they seem real.

On my way home, I was about 20 minutes early for the bus so I waited. And waited. And waited. Around 12:40, more than twenty minutes after the bus was supposed to arrive, I tweeted to the T that the bus didn’t show up. They have no explanation. Fucking great. I wasn’t in the mood to walk the 0.4 miles to catch the bus at the end of the road home. So I took a bus that would take me down the street. I missed the bus. Now I could either wait for the next bus at 13:30 or catch another bus that would take me closer to my home, but I would have to walk two long blocks to get there. I decided to test my limits and walk. I took the stop before School Street as I knew that street was hilly and my foot was already hurting from waiting for the 12:25 that never showed. I made it, though my calf muscles ached while I was walking. BOTH of them. I think I really need to walk more as I think they are getting atrophied. I then decided to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescription. There was a fricken line and only one person dealing with the register. So I had to stand the whole time waiting. My legs wanted to kill me. But I needed my prescription and I didn’t want to go out tomorrow to get it. If I wasn’t running low, I would have said the hell with it and picked it up later. I used my new savings card and OMG you would have thought I gave a new prescription or something. That took another twenty minutes to figure out how to process the card. I wanted my pillow just so I could scream into it at this point. Finally everything went through, and I paid only $5 instead of $25. I was happy I saved money but was not happy I had to wait almost a fricken half hour to get it sorted.

I decided to get some popcorn as a treat or meal later. I will make popcorn and just have it as a meal sometimes. I used the last of it yesterday so we needed more. Of course my mother wasn’t happy that I paid three dollars for it. It was MY money, not hers, so I don’t know why she is bitching. Right now, I just want to rest as my ankle is sore and I am wicked exhausted. I woke up at 0600 this morning and made the mistake of going back to sleep. I have been in a sleep hang over since 0800, when my alarm went off. It has been one long day.

My father is not feeling well so I think I will go over his house on Sunday rather than tomorrow to get his meds straight. He ran out of one of his pills but he has other days so I am not that worried. It isn’t until the middle of the week that he needs to take these pills. So I get to rest tomorrow, which I will need to do.

I feel like there is a cloud hanging over me and I can’t shake it. It is getting to be like a vice around my heart. I forgot to tell my psychiatrist about these anxiety chest pains I have been getting. It really feels like I have a weight on my chest when it happens. I am not usually an anxious person so I don’t know why these attacks have been happening. But I have had such a crazy few weeks, I am not surprised that anxiety attacks have been thrown in the mix. I just hope that doesn’t mean my blood pressure is out of control again. I just tried to take my blood pressure but the machine is broken. It won’t hold the air in the cuff. Thing is more than ten years old so I think I might have to invest in another machine. I’ll probably get one my next pay period. There has been one that I have been looking at is for the wrist. I think that will be easier than trying to wrestle with the upper arm cuff one handed. So until I get it, I don’t know what my blood pressure is running these days. I had a manual cuff but I have no idea where that sucker is. I haven’t seen it in months.