Category: chronic physical pain

Ankle Chronicles 7

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her that the pain that I have been feeling is causing the suicidal thoughts to come back, though in passing, nothing concrete. She wants me to call her if they stick around. I told her I would.

This pain has been going on since Labor Day. No matter what I do, or don’t do, I am in pain. Going up and down stairs is the worst. I finally had enough. I called uncle. So I will be seeing an ankle fellow in a couple of weeks because the head honcho doesn’t have any openings until December. This will be doctor number 14 that I will see for the same problem. Luckily, all my records are in the same system so I don’t have to carry around different records with me from different places. I might have to collect records from the podiatrist I saw, but we’ll see on that. I just know that I am in pain, nearly 24/7. And it is draining me. The past week I have been so miserable I don’t want to go out. And if I do go out, I want to go back home and soon. I need to keep my foot elevated to make it happy. But even that isn’t making it happy anymore. I just don’t know what to do except to keep on taking pain medication. And even that is losing its effectiveness.

I am seriously losing my mind over this pain in my ankle. It’s right below the bone on the outside. I forget the name of the bone and I am too lazy to google it. My PCP says it is a tendon. I know it’s a tendon. I have been dealing with this pain for a LONG time now. I know it’s the peroneous tendon and possibly, muscles, too. I don’t care what the names are. I just want the pain to stop. And I don’t want an injection of cortisone because I believe that it damages tendons more than it helps them shrink. I will NOT have another nerve block in that ankle because when it wore off, I was in agony for three whole days. I won’t go through that again.

I told my psychiatrist I was seeing a fellow rather than the chief and also a smartass remark. She came back with a “calm down”. How can I calm down when the very act of walking is being taken away from me?? Really?? I can’t go anywhere unless I walk. Down the stairs, up the stairs, go to the store, the bathroom, kitchen, etc. Each of these activities causes me huge amounts of pain, the stairs being the worst pain. I have to make conscious effort to hold my foot upright while going down the stairs and the same effort going back up. It’s DRAINING!!!! I have no more mental spoons or physical spoons to do anything else, like brush my teeth or shower. I got a haircut today and needed to shower but couldn’t so I just washed my hair. That hurt more than the shower would have. I don’t think my psychiatrist knows where I am coming from. Maybe she is tired of hearing me complain about my pain. It has been going on for three years now. I bet that is it. People are just so damn tired of me complaining about my ankle.

And I have a reunion to go to on Sunday. HOLY FUCK, I AM FUCKED. I will most likely be standing most of the time. SHIT! I didn’t think about this until now. I will have to wear my dreaded brace. It won’t help 100% but it will help some. I will be sore as hell after and possibly the rest of the week. Good thing I have nothing planned. I really want to see my old coworkers. They are the best bunch of people to know. I will carry with me my little book so that I can get their addresses to send them Christmas cards.

I am suicidal because mentally I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. It has gone on too long. I really need to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. Otherwise, I am going to go another night of no pain meds. I just wish I had the fucking energy to get them. I would have someone else go, but you need an ID to get the meds. Just great. I have to go. I guess I will stop complaining about my ankle for another day.