Category: chronic physical pain

How Country Music Touches You

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide

How Country Music Touches You

I have been listening to Pandora for most of the day. I have it on “Terri Clark” radio and I have been listening to all the “old” country that made me fall in love with country, not the rock/rap stuff they have today. A couple of songs in the morning really got to me. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I was very tearful. The songs they were playing was about relationships ending and I couldn’t feel like I was losing my therapist because of the current transportation issue. I was going to see my therapist today but my father interceded. Asshole had an urgent matter that had to be dealt with on his NOW terms. So my sister needed the car to take him where he needed to go. I was pissed that he didn’t call me, because what the hell do I take him to his medical appointments for?? He just is an ungrateful bastard.

So what would have been the last time I see my therapist turned into no trip out there after all. And the songs they were playing just had me thinking that maybe our relationship is over now. But then Faith Hill’s song, “You can’t lose me” came on. I cried harder and when I told my therapist, she said that is our song now. I was already bawling so cried some more. I swear I bawled the first 20 minutes or so of our session. I was just so weepy. I have been up since 0430 so already it has been a long day. I had coffee which gave me the ups but by 11, I calmed down and was just down. Then the songs played and I was weepy. And of course my therapist had to ask how I was doing. Doing awful. I told her the thoughts of suicide came into my head today, just out of the blue, like what if I killed myself. But the thoughts didn’t hang around. My mood just wasn’t “depressed enough”, I guess.

I don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. My therapist doesn’t know that I secretly want another therapist. I just don’t think she is good for me anymore and now that we are not going to be seeing each other face to face for a long time, I can’t help but wonder if the phone is really going to work. I so wanted to be in the same room with her just so she could possibly hold me while I was crying. Realizing that, just made me cry more. I have stuffed animals at her office, a 3 ft bear (Johnny) and two smaller bears (Bucky and Amelia). I miss seeing them, and obviously, my therapist. But finding a therapist, as I learned, is so difficult when you are chronically suicidal. It shouldn’t be like that, but sadly it is. I had called 10 therapists when she first moved to Framingham (the town she practices out of). I couldn’t find one to take me on. Then when I was in the hospital, they found me a center that I could go to. Well, the nitwit was downright scared of me. He was just so nervous. It didn’t work out and by session three, I said goodbye.

I am so drained. I could write about how it sucks not finding a therapist to expand their horizons and just take a chance but I am not in the damn mood. I am tired of trying to find someone that I can count on in the mental health field. Yet there is a therapist that piques my curiosity. Only trouble is, I love his tweets and if I become his patient, I lose him as my twitter buddy. His policy. And I like our relationship as it is right now, though he doesn’t know me from Adam. It’s just that I like his personality. And after reading his blogs, I think that he would be a good fit for me. But I don’t think I can ever cross that boundary. Besides, I am so terrified that he will find an excuse not to see me it prevents me from pursuing the matter. And all the while I was thinking this, I felt like I was cheating on my therapist.

I am at the stage where right now, I really can’t leave my therapist. We are in the middle of important work with dealing with my ex and all she put me through. We didn’t talk about it today. I was too emotional to get into it and she respected my space. Plus, I felt like I was crying over the grief of that relationship, which I never did before. I usually just drank her away, or tried to.

When I was in the kitchen, eating a brownie, I noticed my ankle and foot were swollen again. Pissed me off. My toes looked like Vienna sausages. So I just kept them up. Now they are hurting me. I hate being in pain every single day. Today I looked at a couple of doctors that specialized in the ankle. I couldn’t find a one that wasn’t a surgeon. And a surgeon just won’t deal with you if they can’t cut you. So I am back to square one. I am so frustrated having to find a therapist that is within a 5 mile radius of my house and a foot/ankle doctor that is the same. Why is it so hard when I live in the academic capital of the world??

Venting, Ranting, I can’t even

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Venting, Ranting, I can’t even

So I talked with my therapist tonight about today’s events and the possibility that we would not see each other for a longer while than we are used to. I was going to go out and see her tomorrow but I am afraid it might be the last time I see her. And I can’t face that. She can’t face it either. Might be better to just keep talking on the phone.

Since I came home around 1230, my phone has been ringing off the hook. One was a spam call. Another was the phone call about my physiatrist. The last phone call that has me really irked was about my damn father. Here I was basking in the glory that I don’t have to deal with any of his medical issues for another 3 months. Nope. Asshole sees eye doctor. Eye doctor sees something so wrong he has to see a specialist. WTF. Since when did it come on my shoulders?? I can’t deal with it today. I really can’t.

I feel like crying because I am sad my therapist and I are not going to see each other for a long time because of transportation issues. Why the hell did she have to move to the boondocks?? She went to the hub of academia to the middle of nowhere. Christ. Why?? Now I am questioning whether we can continue. It has been on my mind for the last few months to see a new therapist. But I don’t think I can break free. I owe her too much money, money I can never repay in my lifetime, least not on the money I am collecting now. If I start work again, maybe but it doesn’t look like I will be working anytime soon because I can’t walk from here to there without pain.

Then you have the issue of my physiatrist that leaves without a letter of notice or anything. I liked her. She cared. How do I know that her replacement is the same? How do I know that I will see her? I can’t walk there. I googled it. It’s 0.7 miles. My limit is 0.4. If I try and stretch it, I will only be hurting myself like I did the last time. Course, I can walk there, have them see how hurt I get and then take a cab back to the station. But I don’t know that I want to see a new doctor. I am so annoyed. I was thinking about seeing my old foot doctor but I still owe him $150 for orthotics that I don’t wear anymore. I really need to pay them off if I want to see him. He is only there once a month now. Another annoyance. I don’t get to see a good doctor all the time.

Then my therapist was all what triggers Jekyll. I don’t want him triggered. I want him to stay where he is until I figure out what the hell I am doing with him. Until he tells me his real name and what he is doing, I am cutting him off, least for now. I know that may anger him more but I don’t want him coming out just when he is angry. I am angry too about what happened. I might not show it all the time but I am angry. Angry I was abused while I was an adult. I still am being abused, maybe not physically like with my ex, but with my parents. I am constantly being disrespected.

Okay, rant over, for now!

nuances of Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today has already been a long day. I again had weird dreams and then woke up before my alarm by at least a half hour. I didn’t do anything to wake up. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to sleep until the alarm went off. I should have grabbed a pop tart as I was hungry by the time I got dressed and stuff. I had my coffee and wrote until it was time to see my doc.

I am happy that I my PCP listened to me and gave me enough pills to cover me for the month. However, I am unable to fill it. I have to wait two days for my next refill. I had a feeling it was going to be too early and I was right. Fuck! I have two pills to last me 2.5 days? And then the pharmacist tells me they are changing the classification of the medication. I don’t know what that means. She said I would have to go to the doctor to get the prescription. Well, I do that anyways so I don’t see the big deal. They already ask me for my ID. Now if they need a diagnosis, they are getting cauda equina syndrome.

After my appointment, I felt a little energetic so I walked the long block to the other bus stop. I did it in less than 10 mins, which is good for me. It was 0.4 miles. I am guessing that is my limit without pain. If I walk more than that, then I am hurting, which is good to know. I didn’t have to walk back so that was good. I figure, if I can slowly increase my walk route, from where I walked before (1.2 miles roundtrip) I should be able to slowly lose weight and feel better about walking. But then there are days where just going around the block can cause me pain so I guess today is a good day. It started out rough because I was walking in mud. I didn’t think I would be able to walk to the bus stop when I left my house this morning. But after my doctor’s appointment, I had some energy and felt like I could do it. I know there are time I might not be always able to, but today I count that as an accomplishment. Now, to just hope that I am not hurting big time tonight and the next few days. My ankle is throbbing but it’s mild. I am not swearing, least not yet.

So I am disappointed that I can’t get the new script filled and that next month might be more of a hassle getting it filled. I knew these changes were going to happen. It’s all because a senator’s son overdose on narcotic medication. His belief is that the meds “caused him to commit suicide, not the pain”. What a crock. He is clueless so people with chronic pain now have to suffer because of this idiot, who is not even a medical professional!! I really “love” when these non-medical people make decisions for us. It makes treating chronic pain that much more difficult and no one many commit suicide because they cannot be helped by their doctors.

I did have a problem with making a month appointment with my doctor for next month. I just hope it isn’t too soon or too late. That is the problem that I have been having lately, getting an appointment with my doctor for my pain meds. It shouldn’t be this hard. So I have to wait for the secretary to call me.

I am glad I can walk the distance I did today. I hope that tomorrow I can walk again without pain. But we’ll see what happens tonight.

seeing this bozo for a while

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had weird dreams last night and this morning. The first one was about saving a moose from death and the second was about me going on a trip with my friend Dave from Australia. I am exhausted because it was really hot in my room and I was sweating. Come to find out, summer has returned to Boston, least for today anyways. I have the AC on so I can cool down. I hate being hot.

I woke up from my weird dreams and got up to take a shower. I had to take one anyways but being sweaty forced it upon me. Surprisingly, it didn’t stress my leg out but did, as usual these days, wore me out. I was starving when I woke up and wanted pop tarts. So after I rested a little while, I got dressed and went to Walgreens. My mother wanted some stuff also. Between the pop tarts and my mother’s items, I was able to redeem $10 of rewards! Whoohoo!! Everything I purchased just came to a little over 4 bucks! I was happy I saved ten bucks. Now I can get the pills that I need before my check comes in.

I am exhausted now. Because of the humidity, I was sweating, again, by the time I got home. I fucking hate humidity!! I don’t mind it being warm out but why does it have to be humid?? So now I am freezing my ass off in the AC. It’s nice!

My niece came home briefly. I saw her for about 4 minutes before she left the house again to go out to dinner with her boyfriend. I miss her so much. She is my first niece so she is like my baby even though she is eighteen, LOL.

I was going to watch the football game but my mother is making chicken cacciatore in the oven. It’s is hotter than hell in the kitchen! So no football watching, just updates on the internet.

One of these days I will get the courage and stamina to clean my room. At least part of it anyways. Don’t think that day will be coming any time soon.

I am not looking forward to my PCP’s appointment tomorrow. 1) it’s in the morning and I am not a morning person. 2) there is a lot of stuff to talk about regarding my pain meds that I am not sure I will have time to cover it all or that I will remember it. I basically need him to change my script so that I am taking more than 3 pills a day. I am taking up to six a day because the pain has become so bad and since they lowered the Tylenol level, I just am not getting adequate pain relief. My blood pressure issues can be dealt with later. I don’t care about it. Right now, all I care about is getting my pain under control. It’s making me unsettled and frustrated that I am out of pills by the end of the month. I wish my pain was at the level it was before where I was taking 3 a day but lately, that is not the case.

I also am weary of seeing my therapist tomorrow. I just found out that my sister is now moving to a new position at her job, which means I can’t have the car whenever I want it. Now, this means that unless I get a zipcar, I will never see my therapist again in person. This sucks. So, I am going to keep having phone sessions with this bozo for a while.