Category: depression

Cinco de Mayo 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

Cinco de Mayo 2015

I got my S’mores frappucino with a shot of espresso. I had to have a real caffeine kick. I didn’t think I was going to go out because all the stuff I took for my bowels suddenly worked, all morning, for me. But things settled down after lunch and I was able to go out.

Had therapy and my therapist doesn’t remember reading the blog I sent her last week. The part she did remember was the nest part, which to me is similar to a hope box. She didn’t call it that and said she wanted to have things remind me of how important I am to people and such. It’s hard to do that when I am still in an environment that doesn’t fully support me in my illness. Today, I told her that my mother made me feel bad because I don’t do things “useful” around the house. My mother wanted me to put her breakfast plate in the sink to be “useful” and it made me upset. I don’t get why my mother has to be mean to me. I feel that giving her half of my paycheck every month to cover the bills of the house should let me live here, too. I just don’t get it.

I got really angry today so I posted on Twitter my feelings. A fellow CES sufferer saw a doctor today for her disability claims. He discounted her having CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome, saying she HAD CES, but once you have surgery, you no longer have it. That infuriated me. Infuriate is my word today as I have used it several times. I don’t get how a doctor can say something like that. If she had a stroke, the result would be the same. I just don’t get it. I really don’t and the more this happens, the more I distrust the medical profession. To me, despite their high degree, are all bozos, unless proven otherwise. I have yet to find a doctor that helped me with my ankle. No one wants to believe that I still have nerve damage in it. That the weakness is just from tendonitis. Just pisses me off, big time. So I have to take pain medication to quiet the pain. Normally, tendonitis heals with rest and therapy. I have been resting for three years now and I still have flare ups of pain. And no one can tell me why I am in pain or why my ankle swells up and all the veins in my foot pops out when I am in severe pain. Course, a doctor has yet to see this happen because it only happens in the after hours, late at night with the pain so bad I want to kill myself. It doesn’t flare up during appointment hours or even during an appointment. I am hardly in pain during the day, usually. But after seven in the evening, almost every night, the pain will rise and if I don’t start taking pain meds it becomes out of control. I have been fortunate that lately I have stayed on top of it. I am kind of lucky that I no longer work because if Friday was any indication, I would not be able to walk and stand eight hours a day. I would be in too much pain. Friday I walked more than I should have and paid heavily for it. Only reason I walked too much was because the eyeglass place made my glasses wrong. If the idiot explained to me what he meant by distance, we wouldn’t have had this problem. I still haven’t gotten my glasses back yet. I will call tomorrow and find out when they will be ready. I need them to read Dostoevsky. The glasses I am currently wearing can only go so far and then I start straining my eyes to see with them. It sucks having bad eyesight. I have been wearing glasses since I was in first grade.

My therapist and I talked about the chat that had me upset Sunday night. It’s like, am I smarter than all these clinicians and therapists in this chat when it comes to suicide prevention? I understand they want research and evident based treatment, but the research is there. If I know about it, why don’t they? I don’t get it. I don’t even hold a bachelor’s yet I know what needs to be done for a suicidal patient. Understanding, compassion, empathy, and the client telling his story. Treatment can be DBT based or CBT. I understand not everyone is trained in these modalities. There is a “short” kind of CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, that seems to help veterans in as little as five sessions. This is from what I have gathered on the internet vines and through the research of Jobes. So why do they not trust these kind of therapies is beyond my understanding. If they are looking to predict a suicide, they will have to wait a really, really long time for that to happen. You can’t predict a suicide anymore than you can predict cancer in a patient. And if this prediction is what they mean by prevention, they don’t understand anything about suicide at all.

Technology and I

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Technology and I

I would like to think myself as tech savvy but my recent experience with Tumblr proved me wrong. Like Instagram, I cannot figure it out, but was able to get my blog linked to it. That is as far as I got. I followed a few people, mostly just two people that I know: Wil Wheaton and Taylor Swift. I think the third would be George Takei. He was in my feed as well. So three people out of a billion. I don’t have many friends that I know that use this app. I don’t even know how to post on it or communicate. I am failing miserably at technology. But I do know all things Twitter and Facebook, which is the main forms of communication these days. I just don’t get that many responses on Twitter like I do Facebook sometimes. And because my phone is getting ancient, I can’t download the latest Starbucks app. It keeps having download error while installing. I miss that app.

I wasn’t sure I was going to blog today because I have been feeling shitty all day. Ankle and bowels have been acting up. Well, the ankle is. My bowels are stagnant and they hurt. In other words, I am constipated to the high heavens. It is very uncomfortable. I have been drinking water to try and loosen things up but to no avail. I haven’t gone in three days. I went a little bit earlier today but I still am backed up. I can feel it. Wish technology can help me out but it can’t. I don’t think the senna is working like it used to. I even have been taking fiber pills to get things moving. No luck.

It sucks when you take so many meds that constipate you. It’s really hard to keep on top of. I used to have a good routine but when I stop having to take the senna because I have to go out, that is when the trouble starts. I get backed up for a day and then two, then three, and now I am sick and uncomfortable. Plus because my bowel doesn’t work the way it normally does, it makes it harder for shit to move down the shoot. Got to love having an impaired bowel on top of being constipated.

I haven’t been in a good mood today. I really just want to sleep. Sleep and never wake up. I had what can now be called my usual sleeping pattern of waking up in the wee hours of the morning and then going back to sleep around eight. I got up around noon because I was starving. I made a bacon and cheese sandwich. I usually enjoy these sandwiches but today I could hardly finish it. I had some ice cream afterwards because I wanted something sweet. It was all I ate before dinner. I didn’t even want to eat dinner tonight which was stir fry chicken and rice. I mostly just ate the rice. It was all that I could stomach. Then I came up to my room and I thought I was going to puke it all up. I know it’s because I am so backed up. I haven’t had a good movement in a week. It sucks. I wonder if my sleep is causing the constipation to be worse. I just need to be in a routine again. I might have to start taking magnesium supplements again. That helps me. It won’t hurt and might also help the leg pain I have been having. I just hate being so miserable all the time. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I can never find a happy medium.

Today was a good day as far as the weather is concerned. It was really bright with sunshine and very warm. I think it hit 80 degrees today. It’s supposed to be warm all week. I guess pretty soon I will have to make room for my brother in law to put in the AC. I still need to vacuum my room a little bit. Been meaning to do so for a while but just am so lazy and unmotivated.

In Red Sox news, Hanley has just injured himself and left today’s game. There goes the season if he is placed on the DL. Not like the season is going good anyways, but to lose his power in the lineup, just sucks. I know it’s still early in the season and we are a long way off from October but the way things have been going, there is just no way I can see this team making it to the post season. It’s just going to be another horrible year. And my heart breaks. I know you can’t win every game, but a few in a row wouldn’t hurt!

Sunday Dinner

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

My sisters invited me to have Sunday dinner downstairs. I obliged. It was good food and laughs. After eating, I cleared the plates and then went upstairs again. My ankle was acting up and I wanted to put it up like I have it now. It sucks that I still can’t do stairs like I used to.

For the umpteenth time, I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up in the early morning hours and then some how fell back to sleep around 7 or 8. I probably would have slept longer but my father called me, waking me up. I didn’t answer the first time, so of course, he called a second time. When I didn’t pick up (I really didn’t want to talk to him), my sister started calling me. That was it. I was up. I called him to find out what the hell was going on. He said he had a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I told him he doesn’t as I canceled it. He asked why and I said because my foot hurts. It was a small lie. I really canceled it because they would be removing his mole and I would have to change his bandage every day until it healed. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to go over there every day, not when my suicidality is up. He would drive me to drink and then I would be in worse shape. I really despise my father and any time I have to deal with him is a hassle and a half.

I was on Twitter for most of the time last night and all that was talked about was the fight and the NFL draft. Boring. So I picked up a book to read, The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. It has a good story line but feels empty, like it’s missing something. I will be giving my review after I finish reading it. I am already on chapter 4 and it is a short book. I should be done with it probably tomorrow. I had to read something. I hate not reading when I have nothing to do on the laptop anymore. I still haven’t found a game or even looked for a game on FB. It’s too soon. I also keep unfriending my gamer friends. Any time they post something, I unfriend. I feel bad doing so but we don’t know each other or have common interests other than the game we played. And now that I am not playing anything, why bother being friends. We don’t interact or talk. There have been some that do and those people I will keep as friends, but the others are going.

Baseball doesn’t start till late tonight. Game is either on Fox or ESPN, most likely ESPN and I hate watching games on that network. I probably will listen to the radio. I have no idea who is pitching tonight. I say the line up but for the life of me I cannot remember the pitcher. The lineup is the same as it was yesterday, only exception is that Nava is batting 7th instead of Holt. I don’t know if I am going to be up for most of the game. I am really starting to feel tired and I had my coffee later than I usually have it today because I woke up so late. I am glad I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so hopefully I will just have another day of rest. If I feel inclined to go out, I will but it all depends on how I feel and how much sleep I get.

I think I am going to take a shower tonight, before the game. It might calm down some of the pain that I am having in my foot, or at least, distract it for a while. I know I took a shower yesterday but I just feel “dirty” for some reason.

My mood has been low today. I keep wishing I was dead. I just don’t want to live anymore. Nothing makes me happy. It will be Mother’s day next week and I have no idea what to get my mother. I thought about getting her a card thanking her for all she does for me, but then she pissed me off today calling me names. The worse part is that she keeps on calling me “miss” and it is driving me nuts. I am not a “MISS”! I fricken hate my mother so why should I pretend to be nice to her for one fricken day of the year when she treats me so poorly emotionally?? It just infuriates me and makes me feel worse than what I already feel.

Bad night of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I’m typing this on my phone so if there are mistakes, that is why.

I am in horrible pain as I was expecting from my long day. I feel horribly depressed and suicidal. If I had something really lethal, I might try it. I don’t. I am very distraught that I have to go through another night of pain and misery. I guess it is good I don’t own any weapons. I always thought of purchasing a machete so I could hack off my ankle. Or fall on it to kill myself. But there are very few places that sell those kind of blades.

I often wonder why I am still living. I can’t stand the thought of going through another flare up because I wanted to have fun today. I love the Maya culture and I have missed out on so many things because of my disability. But this is the price I pay. Being in severe pain as I wait for my pain meds to do their job and knock me out in the process. I know in the morning I won’t feel so suicidal. But I am right now and that is why I am still up. Between the psychache and physical pain, I am under tremendous stress. I feel like I should do something. What, I am not sure.

I am so tired of being in pain all the time. It’s after midnight so my demons are coming out. Its a terrible thing to live like this day in and day out. I am exhausted. Being in chronic pain all the time just makes you exhausted and you don’t have to do anything to cause it. The pain just sucks whatever energy you have. Its awful.

I have been living in chronic pain for the last 3 years. You would think I would be used to it by now but I am not. It still drags me down to the abyss where I want to end my life and be done with this world. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This needs to end. But how??