Category: depression

Body image issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Body image issues

I know I have body image issues. I don’t like the way my body is, but I think that mostly is because I am in the wrong body. All my life, I have been told that I am ugly by my parents. Today, I took a shower but didn’t bring my clothes down so had to go through the house naked. Not a big deal, I have done it before, there are no windows to the outside and it was just my mother home. Big mistake. She saw me (there was no way not for her as I had to go by the living room door) and she starting shaming me! I couldn’t believe it. I still feel bad about it and so want to call her an asshole. But I will get my revenge another way. When my check comes in later this month, I am not giving her the full amount that I have in the past. I will give her less. See how she likes that. It’s just that hit me the wrong way. And it wasn’t the first time either today. I was watching the football game after my nap. I made a sandwich and was watching the game peacefully until she comes into the kitchen and then starts playing her dice game! WTF. I asked her to stop playing and she gives me an attitude. Fuck her. I am so done with her idiocy and disrespect. It’s ok for her to go around the house nude but it’s not ok for me? Who has to see her when she needs help getting dressed? Not the guy next door! I don’t say anything to her about her body so why should she say something about mine? I am just so sick of it all. I hate her. I really do.

Then my friend left me a weird comment about suicide. That got me into thinking about suicide again. Her rational for it made perfect sense. The only thing that bugs me is that she wrote it on a blog that has nothing to do with suicide. I don’t even mention it in the blog.

All this time, I am have been sparing my mother’s feelings about things. Now I get to say fuck you to her, though not in the direct way because I would get smacked to kingdom come. I have been nice to her so I don’t understand why she disrespects me. I certainly don’t disrespect her. I’d get my ass kicked, though probably not really as I can run faster than she can. And what am I sparing her of? She doesn’t even want to know me because of the book I wrote. Nice. Most parents would be proud their child achieved something. Nope, not my mother. My father has a free pass because he can’t read so doesn’t know I published a book. If someone has told him, he hasn’t brought it to my attention. Course, he would be more interested in the money than the work. He is an asshole anyways so it doesn’t really matter to me what he thinks. I stopped caring a long time ago. And he was the chief that kept on calling me ugly my entire life. Still does to this day.

Normal vs Abnormal

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Normal vs. abnormal

I realized today that since having a nerve injury, I don’t know what is normal anymore. I don’t know what it is like to not live in pain every day. I don’t remember what it was like working a full time job while suffering from chronic pain. I also don’t know what it is like anymore to go to the bathroom and not find surprises. This is what my life has become since getting Cauda Equina Syndrome and being diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).

I can also say that I don’t know what it is like being normal without having voices in my head that talk to me all the time. My therapist and I were talking about this during our last session. I have to hear a “voice” while I read. It narrates the words. It usually is male as I frequently buy books that are authored by males. But it is the same male voice that hear. Without this voice, I cannot read. The words just do not make sense. Apparently, my therapist has told me that this doesn’t happen with someone else. She doesn’t have a voice that narrates when she reads something. I find this curious and so does she. As she puts it, “someone” has to “read” to me. But I have always heard the voice. Maybe it is just my muse reading to me. I don’t know. But then, I have lived my entire life since the age of five with hearing voices and keeping it covert. I guess the only ones that know I hear voices are the people that read this blog and read my memoir. Few family members know. I think my mother thinks I was “cured” I first hospitalized at the age of 16.

I was thinking about this whole normal vs. abnormal thing because I don’t remember what it was like having a normal bowel movement. I have to take stuff to go where as before, I just went whenever. I might have been constipated but if I don’t take stuff for it now a days, I can be backed up for a week or longer. And then I am really uncomfortable. I also don’t remember what it was like to actually feel the stool leave my body. I don’t have that sensation anymore. It has slowly come back but if I have loose stool, I really don’t feel it. Just like I don’t feel when I leak urine. My boxers will be wet but I don’t feel it. It’s not until I actually urinate that I notice I leaked.

I also don’t remember what it was like showering and feeling invigorated by it. Lately, it just has been an energy draining experience. I might have energy to take a shower, but then by the time I am done, I find that all my energy is gone. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day when we met up for coffee. She said that she would say this to her daughters, and they wouldn’t understand how it could be so draining. I thought I was the only one to feel this way but apparently, those of us with chronic pain also feel like this. I haven’t showered since the day I met my friend (three days ago). I plan on taking one tonight, before bed, so that if it does drain me, at least I will be going to bed anyways.

Also, since having the nerve injury, I find that I cannot tolerate heat. I never could stand the heat before my surgery, but after it I found that if I wasn’t in cool surrounding, I get very irritable and cranky. I don’t know how my mother can stand the humidity of the house today as the temp is in the 90s. I barely made it home but thank god for an AC’d bus. Waiting for it in the heat was very unbearable but there was not much I could do about it. There was a kid, probably around 4, that was playing with his ball at the station where I was waiting for the bus. He was annoying me because the ball was going all around me. I know that if the temp was cooler, I probably wouldn’t have been so annoyed. But I wanted to get out of the house as I have not been outside since Thursday when I met with my friend. My ankle does not like me right now, but I don’t care. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest it. I have plans for Monday to have lunch with my Aunt. I hope she doesn’t cancel on me again. We have been rescheduling this meet up for months now. I know she wants to chat about my book and about me. I am kind of nervous about it because although she is family, we aren’t exactly close, least I don’t feel that way. Then again, even with my sisters I don’t feel “close”. Some days I feel more like an outsider than part of a family, and I live with them!

I have decided to look over the letter that I wrote to my therapist the other night. I am going to type it up and then “blog” it so she can read it and try to make sense out of it. I will send it to her, too. She like having an archive of my letters. She is a weirdo, that is for sure.

Random Sleepless Post

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Random Sleepless Post

I took my meds a couple of hours ago and then took my pain meds afterwards. I should be sleeping by all accounts but I am not. I think it is because I had coffee late in the afternoon. I am tired but my brain keeps going.

Last night, I was feeling the same way when an alter, or some part of me, came out and wrote my therapist some nasty, commanding, stuff. It scared me. I was going to type it up and blog form it so she could read it, but I am scared that part of me will write again. I thought Hyde was writing but it wasn’t his style. His is usually a goodbye message. Not an angry, commanding tone to it. I don’t know what to make of it. I might have an appointment with my therapist on Monday but it’s not definite. She said she will let me know if she has the time available. Otherwise, I won’t talk with her till Tuesday.

I know I have an angry self. Everyone has one. But nothing provoked this side of me to show, I wasn’t angry until I was writing and the weird thing is, after he wrote, least I think it was a he, I fell asleep for a little more than 8 hours. I didn’t have any weird dreams. I didn’t sleep for a few hours and then wake up, none of the usual sleep pattern that I have been having for weeks, least since I left the hospital. I didn’t sign the letter. I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to about this. I am not in danger to myself. I don’t feel suicidal. I am upset but not horribly. I just am confused. This has never happened before. And I am pissed off because I don’t have a name for this person or this person didn’t tell me its name. I am so mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I knew someone wanted to come out. It was on the surface, I felt it. But it was unfamiliar to me. I would read what it wrote but I am so afraid of being triggered. What if it writes again and is more nasty? I don’t want that to happen or worse, what if I lose control and totally dissociate and it does something?

If I remember the argument, it was something to the effect of letting me be a female rather than a male. It was arguing with the notion that I am not really a male, but a female, and my therapist needs to stop giving in to the transgender idea. Least I think it was referring me as a she, rather than a he, and it was calling himself a he, if that makes sense. It is so bizarre. I don’t know if the handwriting changed as I haven’t looked at the page. Once I get enough courage to look at it, I will type up the letter and blog it for my therapist. Now that she has mastered password protected blogs, I can do so without having to send her snail mail letters.

Ankle is killing me and I am hungry. I think I am going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on scali bread. It is my favorite types of bread. Tomorrow I am going to get a fricken burrito. I have been craving it for a while now. Actually, I have also been craving burgers but I can’t have them because I am watching my weight. My sister was supposed to bring home a black bean burger from her work. I hope she did because those were so good. It was like Spanish beans with spices but in a burger patty (no meat just beans). I don’t know how they make them. I tried looking for the recipe online but none had refried beans as an ingredient and I think that is what held the patty together. I also love refried beans. I am going to keep hounding my sister until she brings them home again or at least gives me the recipe for them. They are very yummy!

My ankle is still being a bitch. I don’t understand why. I haven’t done anything in the last few hours to warrant such pain. I just wish it would go away and never come back but that isn’t going to happen. So I just have to take more pain pills because otherwise, there is no chance of me getting relief. Nothing else works for me, not even the nerve pain meds. If the nerve pain meds aren’t touching me, obviously it is not nerve pain. I have tried explaining this to my PCP before and it just falls on deaf ears. But I know it is physical type of pain, a tendonitis like my physiatrist thinks, coupled with complex regional pain syndrome. I don’t know how I got it or the tendonitis. Well, the tendonitis is because I don’t walk correctly and I still have foot drop. That was caused by my initial injury of Cauda Equina Syndrome. I still have weakness in my foot, which causes me to walk incorrectly. I have to wear an orthotic to walk right. But even then, my ankle still hurts. It constantly feels like someone is trying to rip it apart like you do a chicken wing. Or it feels like someone is jabbing me with a knife. Either way, it sucks feeling this pain every single day, 24/7. Right now my pain is an 9 on a scale of 1-10. I just took a couple of pain pills so it should quiet down some. If not, I will take some more in an hour or two. Last night I was hurting so bad, I had to take a stronger pain pill. I hate having to take that pill because it constipates me to no end. And I hate being backed up. But I took my senna tonight so I should be ok for tomorrow. Sucks that I have to take a pill for this and that, just for normalcy. It sucks having a chronic pain condition on top of mental illness. Just makes you want to harm yourself sometimes. And people just don’t understand the chronicity part. They think that once you are out of surgery, you should be healed and be okay. Well, you aren’t. I have scar tissue on my nerves so I know that is the reason for my pain all the time. And there is nothing that can be done about that. Removing it will just cause more scar tissue to form.

Rest Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Rest day

I decided today would be my rest day for the week as I did too much yesterday. I was in a lot of pain and I think I wrote some interesting stuff to my therapist that has me worried. Mr. Hyde wanted to come out, least I think he did, but what was actually written was not his style. I don’t know who it was. I was really tired when I wrote it so maybe it was my deep, dark, true feelings about myself. I don’t know, it was just creepy. Then after I wrote it, I feel asleep for eight hours straight! I woke up around 7ish. But I didn’t get out of bed until my mother left the house around 9. I really didn’t want a conversation with her. I made breakfast (no coffee) and then took my pain meds and slept until about an hour ago. I had something to eat and then went to visit my sister. She is babysitting her friend’s baby and he is adorable. I want to see his baby toes. They are so cute! And he loves when I tickle his feet. He cracks up. So funny!

I haven’t worked on the TG paper at all the last few days. I am trying to make it shorter but am finding it hard to do. Plus every time I edit it, I seem to make it longer. I gave a copy to a friend for her opinion on it and to see where I should make the cuts, but I haven’t heard back from her. I probably will tomorrow. Least I hope so. But it’s not like I am in a rush. I still have a few weeks to work on it. I have taken the blog down and placed it as private so no one can read it. It will be available whenever it gets published on the suicide blog.

It’s really hot in the house, even hotter outside today. I still have time to walk to the post office before they close, but my ankle is bothering me so not sure I would be able to walk that far. It’s like three, maybe four, blocks to the post office. I really want to get this errand done today but not sure the pain afterwards is going to be worth it. I just took another pain pill so maybe if it settles down, I will go. I hate walking in the heat though. And it will be silly to take my sister’s car for such a short distance. Maybe the walk will wake me up a little more, though I am debating making coffee. Thing is, I don’t want to be up all night if I drink it now, though I usually have my mocha, latte, or coffee at this hour at Starbucks so I don’t know why I am so finicky. I will make the coffee and then go to the post office. Sounds like a plan to me! But so much for this being a rest day if I go out. I did rest most of the day and being out for 30 mins isn’t wasting the entire day, right? Right.