Category: depression

Progress?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Progress?

I finally cleared off my bed of most of the books and clothes that had accumulated on the corner of my bed. I also cleared my “office”. Now I just need the motivation and energy to change my damn sheets. I rewarded myself with clearing my bed by going to Starbucks and getting a cold brew vanilla sweet cream iced coffee. I was then rewarded with my bowels going haywire soon after reaching home. I seriously thought I sharted but it was just air, thank goodness. I am now exhausted and my ankle is giving me grief so no sheet changing. Least not for now. My back has been having cramps since I left Starbucks so I am just going to rest. I still have a little stuff on my bed that I need to clear off but the majority of my bed is clear.

Today’s word prompt is “Playful”. It’s funny how these words that don’t have any particular order have significance in my life. I was reminiscing with the voices the other day about how my father hated any type of play that my sisters and I did around him. During one of his angry rages, he broke a treasured chess set that I got for Christmas one year. I never forgave him for breaking it on me. Still haven’t. He never apologized for breaking it and he knew I was upset over it. I tried fixing this set but it was not really the same afterwards.

Another time, I was at my then little cousin’s house. We were playing and I came out of his room with one of his toys because they were really cool. I forget why I left the other kids, but my father flipped the fuck out, saying I was not a kid and shouldn’t be playing with toys. I was like 12? It really hurt me and I cried I was so upset. I think I went in the bathroom to cry. My cousin’s mother saw this and said it was okay for me to play.

Both times that I have recounted this story, it brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the kindness my cousin showed me that proved that not all parents are bad and mean like my father. I have other memories that are painful but I won’t rehash them today.

I got an email from TSPN (Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network). They apologized for taking my work without my permission. They said they would inform me in the future if they want to use my work for their newsletter. They also encouraged me to contribute more things to them, if I desired. I think I might write up something for them. If you are an attempt survivor and want to contribute your story, contact them through http://www.tspn.org. The name of the newsletter is called “can you hear me” (CYHM).

When I came home from Starbucks, or as I was on my way home, I became really paranoid. It was very scary. I thought people and objects were talking to me. As a bus drove by a van, I could have sworn it was talking to me. I couldn’t wait to get off the bus. I have never been psychotic like that before. I took a trilafon when I got home because I was so agitated. I am feeling a little bit better now. I wish my psych was available. I would page her to let her know this happened. I still feel kind of uneasy. But the trilafon is helping me so I don’t think I need anymore meds to feel calmer. The nice thing about this drug is that it lasts for at least eight hours so I should be covered until I take the abilify tonight.

Speaking of abilify, I was reading a blog today where the blogger was having bad side effects from the medication. She is experiencing agitation, more mental than physical and it’s making her feel suicidal. She carefully weighed this drug over many others before taking it. I guess the Seroquel she was taking was no longer working for her so she needed to switch meds. She is also experiencing insomnia. Not good for someone who has bipolar disorder. I hope her psychiatrist gets back to her about what to do and she seeks help before acting on her urges. I wanted to comment on her blog but I had no advice as abilify has worked well for me, aside from the extrapyramidal symptoms I experience every now and then. I take Ativan to counteract them. Otherwise, I would be so screwed. I have noticed that as I have gotten older, my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse. I used to be able to take an anti-psychotic just when I was having symptoms. But since 2008 when I had a psychotic break, I can’t stop my meds at all. Even missing a dose can send me into a psychotic delusion. I have been on many meds for psychosis but they have had serious side effects. I can make a list but there is no point. It’s an exhaustive list. You name it, I probably have been on it (unless it’s come out after 2009). The only class of drugs that I have NOT been on are the MAOIs. That is because I don’t like the diet restrictions these medications have. I am lucky that the current regimen that I take suits me.

A Lot of Things on My Mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Lot of Things on My Mind

Since I responded to that Psychology Today article, I have receiving emails from whoever comments on it. No one has responded to my comment. But from what I gather from the comments, people are pretty upset, mostly chronic pain folks.

The sauce I made is almost gone. There are about two cups left of the batch I made. I can’t believe it because this time I used two cans of tomatoes. It did come out really good. I wasn’t able to put in the ground beef I wanted to but I will make another batch, in a larger pan, next week. My sister and brother-in-law really loved it, which is why it’s gone! LOL

I have been in a depressed state for most of the day. I really wanted to change my sheets this weekend but now the weekend is over and the sheets are still not changed. I will do it hopefully tomorrow. I still need to clear off my bed. There is not that much stuff left as I have been slowly removing stuff when I walk by. I have no idea where I am going to place the three books that are in that spot. I guess I will add it to the pile that is by my hamper.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal but I have been thinking about it. Mostly, I just been thinking about what it would be like not being alive anymore. I try not to think about it because then I will start planning and that will not be good.

I have changed my name on my blog as the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network (TSPN) outed me. Instead of being Midnightdemons7, I am G. Collerone. I really didn’t want to do it but the more that I am out, the better things will be. I don’t think I will ever work again so I don’t think there is a chance future employers will look at my blog. My domain will still be midnightdemon.com. I won’t change that as I like it too much.

After I made the sauce, my ankle flared up. I had to take some pain medication to calm it back down. I rested for the first time all day. I was just about to go to sleep when my cousin called me. He owed me money and was giving it back to me. My ankle didn’t like going up and down the stairs to meet him. It also didn’t like me taking a shower afterwards. But I needed a shower because I felt icky with my menses and stuff.

I meet with the ankle surgeon this week for the lump that is on my Achilles. I know that I will have to go for an MRI to see if there is any damage to the Achilles. I want the lump removed. It is just painful and shouldn’t be there. It’s kind of funny, I was thinking about surgery and then what will I do for my father’s appointments. I still have him on my mind. I hope I won’t be too laid up with it. Tomorrow will mark six weeks that he has been gone.

Laid Back Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Laid Back Sunday

I am making a sauce. Unfortunately, I used a small pan and so I wasn’t able to make it with ground beef like I was hoping. But I got some meatballs and threw them in. It still is coming out good. I saved the meat for another day. I will use a bigger pan next time.

I am feeling depressed. I found out that one of my Cauda Equina Syndrome members tried to kill herself yesterday. She is in the hospital where they are not sure if she needs surgery or not. She tried stabbing herself. She did this because she couldn’t stand the pain anymore. She is in the UK. It’s a sad situation.

I haven’t done much except to make the sauce. I tried watching the baseball game but the announcers were pissing me off. They have a three man crew and it’s just annoying. E-Rod is pitching and gave up a home run in the first inning so we are losing 1-0 right now.

I am slowly clearing off the side of my bed that is my office. I hope to get it done by tomorrow and then I can change my sheets, finally. It always takes me a week or so to change them because I accumulate so much stuff on my bed.

It’s a cool day today. It was raining earlier so my foot was acting up. I don’t know why I keep getting cramps in it. It sucks. The sauce has about another hour to cook and then I will go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I need to fill my pill box for the week.

I am tired. I really didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 0600 and found it difficult to go back to sleep. I really could use a nap.

Chronic Pain, CBT, and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Chronic Pain, CBT, and Suicide

I recently read an article written by Psychology Today that stated “opioids are not useful for chronic pain”. Where this psychologist got his information from I have no clue. He says the CDC has “studied the data for years” yet didn’t quote or reference this data in his article. Yet based on this stupid article, my life and well being are in jeopardy. I am so angered by this article that calls for CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) as a treatment to cope with pain. The problem lies in many factors. CBT doesn’t work for everyone for every condition. It certainly didn’t work for me when I tried it many years ago for my depression. It was too complicated and I didn’t have the patience to sift through a packet of 30 or so pages of the treatment homework. I wanted relief, like most patients/clients do, NOW. Second, coping with pain doesn’t mean that it goes away. And in the mist of a flare up, do you really THINK I am going to go through a packet of 30 odd pages to find relief? Thirdly, not all therapists are trained in cognitive behavior therapy. There is only ONE psychologist that I know in the Boston area that is specialized in pain, let alone trying to find a CBT therapist. You have to seriously try and find out if they do this specialized therapy. But there lies the rub that if you are suicidal, like I am, you could be denied this treatment.

I understand there are many deaths from overdoses due to opioid medications and that is a sad fact that I am not trying to minimize. But denying these life saving drugs to patients and telling them to go to therapy to cope is negligent and harmful as well as may lead to MORE suicides. New York state recently is denying up to 10,000 patients pain medication/treatment because the doctor treating them is indicted for charges that I don’t know about. My friend is one of his patients and she is screwed because a pediatrician has stated that anyone that gives pain meds to these patients will be drummed up on charges. Three patients have died by suicide since this has happened. And that is only the ones we know about.

In my response to the article, which I publicly made at my own risk, I asked, how many deaths do you want? Try suicides. I have been afraid of admitting being a chronic pain patient because I am frightened that the DEA will charge through my door, though I do not abuse, sell, or misuse my medication. I barely take the 4 pills a day that I am allowed to take because sometimes I just am not in that much pain that day. Other days, I am taking it around the clock to ease my pain. And guess what, it works for my pain in combination with the other meds that I take.

The preface of this whole article was the death of Prince. But it still has not been discovered, least to my knowledge as of yet, that what he was taking was prescribed or illicit. If anything, Fentynal is a dangerous drug when used with other opioids. I had a friend’s neighbor die of an overdose with this medication. There were other circumstances surrounding her death, such as seeing other providers who had no clue she was taking other pain medications. Now there are network of pharmacies that are cracking down on this practice. I only use one pharmacy for ALL my meds because of convenience. I also see one provider for my medication in their respective specialties. I don’t see my PCP’s NP for my psych meds nor do I see my psychiatrist for my blood pressure meds. That is just silly.

This article had me so upset that I was almost to the point of being suicidally paranoid. I was developing a delusion that my pain meds were going to be taken away from me and if that ever is the case, the doctor will have to sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide and I don’t need medications to complete it. I am in therapy. It is more psychodynamic than another specialized modality. It is what keeps me sane at times. But the threat of losing my pain medication is real. If I am ever forced to stop my medication and be subjected to therapy other than what I am already in, I will kill myself. The pain is just too great, too torturous. And I won’t have a piece of paper telling me to cope with the pain when a pill can do just fine.