Category: depression

Terrible Dream

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Terrible Dream

I had a dream that I was a sniper and my mission was to kill my father. It was the freakiest dream I ever had. As he was coming into range, I was placing a bullet in the chamber of the rifle. Then I woke up. I was drenched in sweat. The whole dream was about guns and loading them. Talk about weird things.

I don’t know what to make of the dream. Maybe my therapist and I can sort it out when I talk to her next week. I hope I never have another dream like that again. It felt so real, yet it also felt like I was on a show as I could hear the audience oooing and ahhing as I was placing the bullet. Just fucking weird.

Now it’s almost 0200 and I can’t go back to sleep because I feel like a murderer even though I didn’t do anything. It was just a dream. I know before falling asleep last night I was thinking of my father’s rifle and how he is never going to be able to get it back. It will forever be in a police lock up place. Yes, my father owns a gun. He has had this rifle since I was a kid. He never showed us how to use it or anything of the sort but we knew he would use it for hunting wild game. He liked to shoot pheasants, rabbits, and other game. He never shot big animals like deer, least not that I know of. This was the same gun that he used to almost kill someone in my family more than 20 years ago. The gun was never fired or pointed, but it was loaded. I saw that it was. I remember it as clear as day.

It’s never good to remember this stuff at this hour. I am overwhelmed with the feelings of that night. Almost like I had a flashback or intrusive memory coming at me. I went through this all last month. Now it seems that I am going to go through it tonight. Think I will take some Ativan and see if that helps stop the terror. It’s always amazes me that something that happened more than 20 years ago still affects me today. The thoughts and feeling of that night coming back to haunt me. I guess no matter what, you will always remember traumatizing nights. I just wish it would have happened at an hour that I could call my therapist to talk to her. I also feel like taking a trilafon so that I can be numbed out. It will kill the voices though and I am not sure I want that. But the drug will scramble my thoughts and make them less scary. I’ll see of the Ativan takes care of things first and then if I need to, I will take the trilafon.

weight and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Weight and other things

I had therapy today. We talked about my father’s prognosis for a little bit and then she asked me about the weight issues. I read to her what I wrote last night about the issues. I haven’t gained that much weight back since eating regularly, but I think I am still eating less than or close to 1000 calories a day. I told her it was all or nothing with my eating and then we got to how my father perceives me as ugly and fat. He has stopped calling me this the last few years when my sister yelled at him for it. I have always been on the heavy side growing up, not obese like I am now, but 10-30 pounds overweight. Now I am a lot more than that. Meds have played a significant factor as the paxil caused me to gain nearly 20 pounds and it took a lot of work just to lose 10 of those suckers. I have always been careless about my eating habits. I know I don’t eat healthy and I am not trying to be healthy, but I am trying to reach a goal weight so I am taking advantage of the low appetite to do that. I am eating, just small meals, like a bowl of cereal or half a sandwich. It’s really all I can eat anyways. I don’t remember the last time I made an egg for breakfast. I just eat whatever, at home though. I don’t eat out, except to have the pastrami subs. Getting Pastrami at the deli isn’t the same.

I visited my father though I really didn’t want to. It really bothers me seeing him so sick and lifeless. Today he was more with it than in the last previous days so that was good. He still isn’t talkative and he does mumble a bit. He ate a pear today with some home made pasta my sister brought him. He didn’t drink the Ensure so I had the half my sister didn’t pour in a cup. The only good news is that his neuropathy is gone as mysteriously as it came.

My therapist almost had a field day on me today because she felt like she found the “gold mine” to my problems. Most of it has to do with how I view myself and how my father perceives me. I still hear his voice calling me ugly and fat. It’s going to take some work to undo that damage. I told her how my niece called me “beautiful” and I wanted to scream at her that I wasn’t. I really wanted to go off on her and correct her that I wasn’t. I didn’t because my niece would have been hurt and confused. Didn’t change the fact that I don’t feel this way. I know I have body image issues and gender dysphoria that plays into the weight thing. I feel ugly so I feel that I should be fat. But with me losing weight, that part of me is losing its power and it’s scaring me. If I reach my target weight, I am not sure how I will feel.

You’re Leaving left me going crazy

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

You’re leaving left me going crazy

I thought this title would be fitting as it’s a lyric to the song by Eric Church’s Record Year. I want to get something off my chest. My father is my father and always will be considered that. He is not, however, a dad or daddy or any of that nature. It has been driving me crazy the last few days that people automatically assume that he is a “dad” when he never was. He doesn’t know the meaning of the term. There was no affection between us growing up. No exchange of meaningful gifts. Just abuse and neglect that continues till he got really sick. And he still had the audacity to call me stupid after he was the one that was being stupid. He thought he was speaking English but he was really speaking Italian and expected me to understand. The truth of the matter is that I can understand context of Italian but I don’t know the language well enough to interpret it all. I never learned it from him though he will say that he “tried”. He just didn’t have the patience to teach us kids. And the school taught us the “real” Italian, not the dialect that he speaks.

He will never know that I am a writer. I doubt he ever knew that I wrote a book. I do find this sad in a way but I don’t let it get to me. He never was a supportive parent so why should I expect him to be at his deathbed. All that matters is that he is taken cared of as humanely as possible.

Random 909

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Random 909

I had therapy today and I told her the reason why I had to cancel last week was because of my episodes of psychache. We talked about it a little bit and about going to the hospital if I need to. She said that the hospital has always been the place where I recharge my batteries, despite how suicidal I am. I know it’s not a treatment place anymore. I have been burned more than it has helped. But it does give me some respite.

I was supposed to go to visit my father today but my bowels have been acting up so decided it was safer to be home than out. I was right because I took the trash out and had to go soon as I came back in. Guess no pastrami sub for me today. I am really exhausted, not saying I wasn’t before but the whole trips to the bathroom just wore me out.

I brought up a topic I really didn’t want to talk about but had to be discussed because it was bothering me. It had to do with my weight and how I feel about it. I hate myself for many reasons and being obese is one of them. Since my weight loss with the depression, I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to lose weight but I know that it’s better for me to be “lighter”. I just feel like I am losing a part of myself. Sure I can gain it back. But it’s not the same. I don’t want to be more than what I am right now. I know that since eating a little regularly I have gained back some pounds and I am sure eating those pastrami subs over the weekend didn’t help. But that is the thing with my eating, it’s all or nothing. I either eat a little, a lot, or nothing. Now that I don’t have a PCP after my weight issues, I have relaxed and sort of gradually watched what I eat and stuff. But it hasn’t been easy. I am not at my target weight and I don’t think I will get there as my appetite has come back. Not with a vengeance but enough that I don’t starve.

We talked briefly about my father. I just gave her an update about his current condition as she didn’t know that he is hospitalized, again. I also emailed my psych. We were talking about how the depression started before my father got really sick. The depression has been going on for months now and I am not sure it is going to get better. The medication I am on is not helping, least not yet. It’s very difficult dealing with severe depression when a parent is sick.