Category: depression

New PJs and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New PJs and other things

I took a chance on getting a large as they didn’t have an XL in the new pjs I ordered. They fit and that is all that matters. I now have Superman PJs! I feel like a little kid. We didn’t have this stuff growing up so I am soaking it in. I would have bought new Sox jammies but I need to go to the store for it. They don’t sell it or advertise for it online. They will need to shortened because they are too long for me but I am just happy they fit.

I spent the afternoon with my father. He has unexplained neuropathy in his forearm and hand. I know what it’s like. It’s very unsettling and painful. My father doesn’t have a high tolerance for pain so we really don’t know what is going on. He just knows it hurts.

I have a splitting headache. I should have known I was going to get a migraine today because I was very nauseous this morning. I could barely move without the feeling of losing my stomach contents. There were no contents as I haven’t eaten much today. I did have a turkey sandwich that my sister made that she didn’t want. That and Ensure have been the only thing that I have had today. I just am not that hungry and having this migraine isn’t helping.

My sisters and I have been talking about end of life care for my father. It hasn’t been an easy day as we want answers from the doctor but he is remaining elusive. We really haven’t had a sit down with the doc because of his fluid issues and worsening liver problems. And of course, it’s always rush, rush, rush, when we see him. Sometimes I can barely understand him because of his Chinese accent. I hope he calls tonight with something but I don’t think he will. He isn’t the attending doc so “his hands are tied”.

I really didn’t want to see my father. I have been fighting the fatigue of depression for most of the day. All I want to do is sleep. Going out just made me more tired. I didn’t go to Starbucks like I normally would have because of the nausea. I really didn’t want something in my stomach that would come back up. I just wish I wasn’t so fatigued. I was practically falling asleep at the hospital. My father was sleeping until the pain woke him up and then I had to do something. What that something was, I have no fucking clue. All I could do was get the nurse, who of course at the time was with another patient. My father is an impatient man when he is in pain.

I have therapy tomorrow because I forgot to cancel before 1230. Maybe I can get out of Wednesday. I doubt it but I can try. I wrote my therapist a letter that I never got around to finishing. I haven’t decided what I am going to do with it. I might publish it as a password protected blog. I know I have been doing more of that lately. I apologize to my new readers as some stuff I can’t leave open. I am just paranoid the wrong person might read it and I will be in “trouble”.

tough day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Tough Day

I am having a tough day where all I want to do is sleep. My ankle is killing me because we had snow this morning and it’s cold. The temps that were in the 70s a few days ago are now in the 30s. I am surprised my back isn’t acting up. I am feeling cold and hot at times. I don’t know why that is. I just want to hide under the covers.

I sent my psych an email late last night telling her I was having a hard time. I didn’t go into specifics. She emailed me back this morning asking if there was anything she could do for me. I really wanted to ask her to send hugs but I felt funny about doing so. I just asked to send good wishes and then explained that my father was in the hospital again. I don’t want to go out today, at all, so I will see him tomorrow. I also told her that I planned on taking a shower but I wouldn’t hold my breath to it. My ankle is just too sore to stand for that long. I just finished making lunch and already it’s acting up. Think today is just a pain medication and sleep day.

After I had lunch, I took my NSAID. I haven’t been taking it regularly because of my not eating. Now that I have my appetite back, I can take it without worry of it burning a hole in my stomach. I won’t be joining BPD Chat tonight because they are talking about the stigma of the diagnosis and I don’t have BPD.

why do I keep fighting?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Why do I keep fighting?

I woke up from my nap. My pain level was the same. My mood was shifted a little bit but still dreary. And I just keep asking myself, why do I keep fighting the urge to end things when it’s so damn prominent. I again wanted to take a bottle of pills today. I thought about calling my psychiatrist. I thought of texting a hotline. I texted my therapist with no hope of her returning my text. I don’t know why I bother. She says she wants to be kept in the loop. What good is that if I feel suicidal and she doesn’t get back to me? Not a good system, if you ask me.

I didn’t do anything except listen to music. I read for a little while but then I couldn’t go back to it. My attention span for reading just wasn’t there. I haven’t finished a book in a while. I think February was the last time I did so.

I could have called my psychiatrist. I was afraid she would try and convince me to go to the hospital and I didn’t want to say no to her as I was feeling so crappy. I also didn’t want to argue with her. Most of the arguing was already in my head. I hate feeling this way. Now it’s late at night and I still feel like taking some pills. Why should I fight it? I can still call my psych but I really don’t want to bother her. Thing is, I would have to page her and my paging success haven’t been to successful in the past. There used to be a number that I had that you would get a person to page her but I have lost the number. I just have a paging system number that I don’t even know if it still works. I know if it goes through, she will call me back when she can.

What am I fighting for exactly? Why don’t I just give in to what I feel is right? Ending my life is what I want. I am tired of being in pain, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am so tired of dealing with pain and today was not the worst day but when you get hit with psychache, nothing else matters except killing yourself.

I want to give in so bad. I don’t know why I haven’t. I guess I am afraid that I won’t succeed, that I will be a failure that I know I am. If I had a beam or a gun, things would be different. You just can’t trust pills.

Random 124

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I got a text from Walgreens saying that my prescription was ready. It was the Zoloft that I put in last week. I had received a mail order that my doc mistakenly put in so now I have more than a month’s supply of 50 mg. If I want to go up when I see my doc in two weeks, I can do that. There is a difference in color between the mail order pills and Walgreens. I have a light color green and a dark color green. Just hope they work.

After I picked up my script, I decided to have another pastrami and cheese sub from the good sub place. It was better today than it was yesterday. I had breakfast this morning. So now I just need to have dinner and I will be okay. I think the not eating was really playing with my mood because I feel a little better with something in my stomach. I am not saying the depression has gone away but my mood is a little lighter.

While I was at the sub shop, my cousin came in and we talked for a little while. He was trying to get me to write for news papers and such. That really isn’t my thing. I rather just work on my book. I don’t understand why my family pushes me to have a job when I am disabled. I would love to work but I just can’t right now. I am in too much pain and that is just walking around the block to Walgreens and the sub place. I have been walking more but I pay the price and no one really knows this except the blog and Twitter world.

I feel downhearted after talking with him. Even now I am hurting with my ankle flaring up for just the little walking that I did. It really makes me sad that I could have been done with college if I just didn’t have a psychotic breakdown. And now that college is so expensive, there is no way for me to go back and finish my degree.

Last night was rough. I was in a lot of pain and then when I took something for the pain, it increased. It was a tough night to get through. It’s very tiring to deal with pain. I slept until 1230 and that almost never happens. I had woken up around 8 to have breakfast and then I went back to sleep. Now I am in pain again and I just want to give up. I am just so sick of being in pain all the time, every single day. And no one gets it.