Category: depression

terrible sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Terrible Sleep

I woke up around 2 hours ago because my arm was having side effects of the abilify. I took some Ativan and then went to sleep. It was not a good sleep. I had a very strange dream where my sister was spraying me with this god awful perfume, my niece decided she wasn’t going to do anything on Tuesdays, even if it meant that something was due on that day, and things have been stolen from this event that I was participating in. It was just very strange.

So now I am up and feel sick to my stomach. I don’t think the pork chops that I had last night are agreeing with me. I used to like pork but lately, my system just doesn’t care for it. I hope I don’t puke because I hate puking. I just have a very unsettled stomach. I want to eat something but I am afraid it will make my stomach worse.

Both of my ears are itchy as hell. I have eczema in both ears and it flares up sometimes. I should have put the medicine in my ear before I started scratching but now it’s too late. I have to wait until my ear heals because I caused some bleeding. I hate when I scratch so badly, I bleed.

I think I am going to make some coffee. I won’t be making the Kona coffee I had yesterday. It was too strong for me, though it tasted awesome. I will make my Brazil coffee that I love. I hope I make it right this time because last time it was too rich. I couldn’t drink it all. I got to get a some more Pike coffee or breakfast blend. It’s my go to when I don’t feel like have the specialty coffees. I haven’t decided what I am going to do after I had coffee. I hope it wakes me up and doesn’t bother my stomach. Maybe I will just have hot chocolate instead. I should have a cup of tea to settle my stomach but I don’t feel like it. So coffee it is! Now if only I can get out of bed, that would be wonderful…

Ramblings 79

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I took a much needed nap after dinner and now I can’t go back to sleep just yet. I took just one of my mood stabilizer pills rather than two tonight. When I woke up from my nap I had to pee really bad and then I saw a spider in the bathroom going round and round in circles. The spider has been in there for a couple of weeks now. I just have let it be because they eat bugs not people. But tonight he was at a place where I could get him, until he left the confines of the shower and hid in the curtain. I quickly did my business and washed my hands to flee the room. My confidence in getting him was nil. I hate bugs. And will usually kill them some how but spiders. I don’t like them and as long as they let me be, I will let them be.

My nose has still been stuffy and congested. My nostrils are irritated from blowing my nose so much and now I am getting a zit underneath my nose. I can’t pop it yet because it hasn’t come to a head, but man, is it painful. I think getting a zit in that area has to be the most painful to get. And you would think I wouldn’t get one now that I am past my thirties, but nope. I still get the stupid zits. So annoying.

I don’t know why I am so congested. It’s very annoying as this has been going on the last several months. I don’t know if it’s allergies or due to the heat. When the heat isn’t on, I breath better so that is one factor. Also if I am not in my room for long periods, my nose clears up, sometimes. But I will still have a runny nose. The discharge is clear so I don’t think I have an infection of some sort. I am just annoyed that I can’t breath at times and have to use Afrin to clear up the passageways. I know that you aren’t supposed to use it for more than 3 days but the congestion is just so bad that I can’t breathe unless I use it. I hate breathing out of my mouth. I only use it once a day.

I really am not looking forward to another day of dealing with my fucking asshole father. Just two more appointments and then I can go back to the weekly visits where I just do his meds. It’s supposed to snow again tomorrow, which sucks. I don’t know how bad it’s supposed to be. My Twitter feed is all about the stupid NH primary. I haven’t seen the weather report.

I am making progress in the book I am reading about writing. I can’t say it’s been helpful but it has made me think of my writing in different terms. I just wish I could get the ball rolling with the book I am writing to put this in good use. I could edit some more of what I have written so far but I hate editing. I can never decide what to cut and what to keep.

Emotional Numbing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Emotional Numbing

I was talking with my therapist today about being numb. Seems that since I went up on my mood stabilizer, my writing has been affected, and not in a good way. I feel numb and its hindering my writing abilities. I only write “good” writing when I feel strong emotion. I know it’s easy to blame the meds but this time I think it is affecting me more than my bipolar. I am going to experiment and see if lowering the dose helps. I know this might now be a good idea but I got to get cracking on my book. It’s already February and I haven’t written one page of stuff.

I hate it when I feel nothing, no sadness, no happiness, no joy. Nothing at all. It’s like I am on an even keel. I am not used to feeling this way. I am used to feeling suicidal and depressed all the time. I guess it is better that I am not feeling this way but it’s weird. There have been times I feel depressed, mostly at night. That is when a switch goes off and I feel some emotion. But most of the time, I am on an equilibrium.

I think reducing my meds will help. I can’t stand the numbing anymore. I know I risk becoming hypomanic by doing this or worse, a really bad suicidal depression. I don’t think it will happen quickly. It will happen over time like this numbness has occurred. Last night I was annoyed at the postman. He refused to deliver my package because there was light snow on my stairs. I was really pissed off and it took me a while to calm down. I then started a Twitter rant about being suicidal. No one responded, as usual. I took my Twitter posts off my Facebook feed. I was tired of having to post on Twitter and then get a response on Facebook. Now whenever I retweet something it gets posted to Facebook. If Twitter does indeed change their formatting to Facebook like posts, I might just be on blog mode or something. I can’t stand the Facebook timeline. It drives me crazy.

Today was a cold day and I need to rest my ankle so I didn’t go out. I made Kona coffee that gave me the jitters. I was having an anxiety attack by the time my therapist called me. Talking to her about it helped calm me down. I can only feel anxiety and annoyance or pissed off lately. Maybe the depression is so deep that I just can’t feel it. That is another possibility. But I hate spending most of my day just staring at my bureau listening to music, just zoning out. Music doesn’t even seem to reach me. It used to. I don’t sing the songs out loud anymore. I will just sing them in my head. The voices have been quiet so I haven’t even had conversations with them.

My therapist and I also talked about how my suicidality has taken the back seat, causing Hyde to feel sad. I didn’t bring up my plans in a few weeks. Even though I am not actively suicidal, I still want to die and I am going to put that plan to action. I just can’t stand living anymore. She commented on how I have been texting her that I am depressed and wanting to die. Most of that talk was because I was in really bad space with my physical pain. I just want to give up on going on because the pain is just so awful.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. She hasn’t been in the office because a family member is sick. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. Hopefully the family member will get better soon and she will be back in the office. I haven’t seen her in a month. I haven’t been emailing her updates or anything because I thought I would be seeing her after my father’s appointments. Guess that isn’t going to happen now.

Self-Harm Recovery

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

This is a story I wrote for a website.

Self-Harm Recovery

I started self-harm (cutting) when I was 15. It happened after a traumatic night in my house. I snapped and was looking for a way to channel the pain that I was feeling. I really wanted to die but didn’t know how to. So I decided to “dig” for a vein hoping it would kill me. I never got that far.

Over the years I changed methods, from scissors to razors. I found that razors worked best to alleviate my pain that I was feeling. I remember when I was 17 that I dissociated while I was cutting. It was the only time I lost time while doing self-harm.

During one distressing December, my therapist was on vacation and I cut to the point of needing stitches. I was a trained medical assistant at the time so soon after I got home from the hospital (which was my shortest hospital stay ever), I took the stitches out. I kept the wound open for a good month or so, cutting it every day. This was in 1997. By the time the New Year rolled around, I was getting tired of leaving the wound opened so I made new cuts. This went on for another month or so. I had changed therapists. The new social worker that I met was a DBT therapist and we talked about cutting in detail, such as why I did it, and the like. She told me something that no one had told me before: You can feel but not act on your feelings. That stayed with me.

Around this time, cutting lost its appeal to me. It no longer was the “drug” I was craving. Since then, I haven’t cut, though the urges are sometimes there when I am having a difficult time. I still have my “kit” but I hardly know it’s there. I suppose I could get rid of it as I no longer need it.