Category: depression

Saturday Blog 29

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had shut the AC off when I woke up this morning and then went back to sleep after I had breakfast. HOLY HELL. My room was so hot and stuffy when I woke up a few hours later. It is cooler than it has been but the house is still hot as hell despite the windows being open. I had to turn the AC back on to get cold again. I cannot tolerate the heat. It has gotten worse as I get older. I don’t know why this is. I never liked the heat to begin with. It makes me really cranky. So I stay in my room most of the time, as I do nearly every day anyways.

I need to shower today. I have developed a loathing for self-care. I don’t know why this is or how it came about. Once I am in the shower, I am usually ok. But thinking about it just makes me detest it. And I don’t shower too long, three songs usually, and I am out. I think I have timed it to ten minutes from start to finish, which is not long but is such a hassle. I try to do it when my mother isn’t home so she doesn’t come barging in while I am undressed. I like my privacy, unlike my mother.

I have slowed down blog writing. I hope that doesn’t mean that I am getting away from my muse again. I always get worried when I write a lot and then it slows down. Yesterday’s blog was difficult to write. I think it was because I was too distracted with Twitter. Every time I stepped away and went back, there would be 50 new tweets waiting for me. I would read it then forget that I was in the middle of the blog. They say that when you are writing, you should be on a computer that is disconnected from the internet. Now I see why that is so true. I haven’t done any book writing. I think “Haylor” was the last thing that I was able to write. I still need to put it in the word doc and possibly work on it some more to try and make it longer. Together with the other doc, it will be around 1500 words. I’d like to get it to a thousand more words, which will be some hard work. But I wrote it out of nothing so I am sure I can add more nothingness to it.

Last night my good ankle was itchy. It was just dry skin but while I was scratching I felt some pain on my Achilles and found a lump. I don’t know how long I had this lump or where it came from. It looked like I had a bug bite there so was hoping in the morning it would be gone. It’s not. It’s not painful like it was, unless you press on it. The area around it is swollen. I don’t like this. It has me upset because if my good ankle becomes weak and I have to be in pain, it is just going to drive up my suicidality. I am already taking a NSAID but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything for this lump. It’s not red or anything. Just swollen and painful to the touch. I see my physiatrist in a week and a half. I hope that it’s gone by then but if not, I will have him check it out. He would be the best guy to talk to about it. I might push the appointment earlier if the lump is still there on Monday. It’s kind of too high to be an irritation from my sneakers, but what do I know. I think it just could be a bone spur. I also think that because I take pain medication, I might not feel the pain if that is what it is. Bone spurs can be very painful.

Other than possibly showering today, I have nothing else on my agenda. I might finish up HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It is one of my favorite books. If I finish it, I might start Goblet of Fire. But I still have quite a few suicide research articles to read. I think I might create a bibliography page and put that in the folder I am placing these articles, just so I know where they are for future reference. It might help me so I am not going crazy looking for the hard copy as I have several folders, each with different stages of study. I have it all organized in my head and on my thumb drive. I just don’t have it organized outside of these places. I started doing this for Shneidman’s articles. He wrote extensively in the last years of his life. I have most of his book, though not all. I hope to have them all one day. But his books are expensive and hard to find. Just finding “Explorations in Personality” by Henry Murray was difficult. I had found a bookshop online that dealt with old books that are no longer in print. I forget what I paid for this book, that was printed in 1938, but it was worth it. If you ever read anything from Shneidman, he always talks about this book. He admired Murray. As I was a psych major, I figured I might as well get this book as it could be useful in my studies. Unfortunately, I had to drop out of college due to my mental illness so I never finished getting my degree. It was such a disappointment because I am only about 9 classes short of getting it. And now it doesn’t seem likely because classes are way beyond my budget. I would have to win the lottery to earn my degree.

The Worst Part of Depression is…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Worst Part of Depression is

“The worst part of depression is” is trending on Twitter. I had to write a few things about it. Today while walking home, it felt like I was walking in mud. I had walked this stretch of the way home dozens of times. But for some reason, today I was so exhausted and this is after having four shot of espresso. My legs were dead by the time I got to my house. I just don’t understand it. I went to Starbucks but didn’t get any writing done because the music was so fucking loud that my earbuds just couldn’t drown out the sound. So I left earlier than I wanted to. I waited for the bus home and then was walking in mud the rest of the way home. I don’t really feel depressed but I am down. Everything feels heavy. My laptop is only 7 pounds but it feels like a ton on my legs. I just don’t understand why some days I get this way and other days I don’t. I mean, I am not usually skipping home. I haven’t skipped in forever. But to walk in mud just out of the blue is just draining me. I feel like I want to take a nap but it’s three in the afternoon. I haven’t had lunch yet. I probably won’t as my mother will be making dinner soon. I am glad that I don’t have to pick up my niece today. I have no energy to do it.

I got an email from Medscape Psychiatry saying that assisted suicide is gaining ground for those with mental illness. I don’t know if I will have the courage to see a doctor to end my life. It just seems like that isn’t what you do. Sure you want the pain the to stop, I get that. I just don’t know if I would go that route. Maybe because I have periods where I am not so suicidal and can see different options. Maybe I would think differently if I was in the deep pit of depression. I know I am not too far away from it. Suicide is always on my mind, either to end my life or to read about the suicide research.

I sold a book today, in England. The problem is that I am not going to get the royalty payment until I find a bank that accepts foreign currency as direct deposit. I still have to call a bank in my area to see if they would be able to do this. Thing is, it’s not much money so I don’t really want another checking account that needs a minimum balance or has fees up the wazoo. I did call one of the big banks in my area but they told me that I would have to talk to the individual branch to find out about their foreign currency policy. It is stressing me out. I like that my book is being purchased by international people, but it sucks that I am not receiving the royalties because of the fucking currency issue. I have been procrastinating because the deposits have been far apart. I don’t get advanced notice of the deposit until it fails. They retry in like sixty days. I just have to bite the bullet one of these days and talk to the individual branch to find out of they can help me. I hate talking to people because I am always afraid of them telling me no, or sorry I can’t help you. I talked to my writing partner about this as she has had books by the same publisher. Of course, she never had any problems. I wish I could just email the bank but you have to have a damn account to send an email. So frustrating. I will call one of these days. I have until September to get this royalty payment. Plenty of time to call.

An Oxymoron

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I had an interesting conversation with my psychiatrist tonight. She confirmed I am on the right meds and that comforted me. I told her I was a little hypo and she said to let her know how things go. She wasn’t going to make any changes and I wasn’t asking for one. These things need to ride themselves out, as I have learned over the years. Medication isn’t always the answer to every problem that you face.

My mood was all over the place today. I got really irritable and angry over someone’s comment that they left on my blog today. I don’t know why it bothered me so. I had a long conversation with the voices over this. It helped to air it out and once I did, I wasn’t as agitated. Then I got a stupid migraine and that made me scared. My face went numb within minutes and my eye felt like it was going to pop. I took my migraine pill and waited anxiously for the pain to subside. I had just started to read a research article when my eyes went blurry and the migraine started. I guess I will read that article tomorrow. I am not in the same mood I was in before the migraine hit. After the migraine subsided and I was feeling better, I read some more of Harry Potter. Hogwarts got me the escape I was looking for. Reading has been suggested by a doctor who does man therapy. If you look it up, it is pretty dumb. But men need something stupid to be able to laugh at themselves and break up their manliness. I know I do at times. I don’t know if his particular therapy has helped men but I took his suggestion of reading a book to escape to relax.

I also told my pdoc about my sleeping habits as of late. Three to four hours a night I have been getting, which doesn’t help someone with Bipolar illness. I am lucky I can sleep during the day to try and catch up but I don’t always. Sometimes napping causes more trouble. I never feel rested unless I have a six hour nap. I usually am able to get one over the weekends usually. I don’t know why that is. I tend to sleep better during day time hours than at night anyways. I am a night owl. The funny thing is, I was never really able to work a night shift. By 4 or 5, I was so tired that I needed sleep. And if I got it on my break, I usually slept for an hour, which was against the rules. One time I think I slept for two hours and my supervisor wasn’t happy. But I no longer work so I can stay up till whatever time and sleep all day if I want to.

Today is my therapist’s birthday so I will be texting her a lot. I will stop once she texts back a “thank you”. I can be a pain in the ass, too! She always makes a big deal out of my birthday so it’s payback.

My ankle is really hurting me for all the walking I did today. I have a bum ankle due to nerve damage that I got when a disc exploded in my back. The disc compressed the nerve that controls the muscles in my ankle and foot. I never was able to regain the strength in my foot after surgery. That was 14 years ago. If I didn’t get strength back in the first two years, I am certainly not going to now. What I am left with is pain due to a pain syndrome no one can identify. Some have called it complex regional pain syndrome, others have just called it tendonitis. But if it was tendonitis, rest and ice should have cured it by now and I have been resting it for three years. The pain has gotten a little better but on days like today where I was walking too much, it flares up and is hard to settle down without pain medication. I don’t know why they call it pain medication when the meds are supposed to relieve your pain, not cause it. Just an oxymoron, I suppose.

The article I was going to read before my migraine made it impossible was on the language of suicide. I am a suicidologist from the inside out. I love studying about suicide and read everything I can about the subject. I have the experience to go with it as I have attempted more than a few times. That is why I write this blog. It helps to write out my suicidal thoughts and feelings I am having in the moment. I know that if I don’t write about them, I am as good as dead. After I write my morose feelings, I usually send them to my pdoc and therapist, well sometimes just my therapist as I am afraid of sending them to my psychiatrist. I sent her a goodbye email once and that ended poorly. She sectioned me and I spent the next three weeks in the hospital. It wasn’t fun. The police came and when they couldn’t find me because the ambulance had already taken me to the hospital, they broke into my house by smashing a window. I was very upset. So I am hesitant to send my pdoc my suicidal writings.

It has been at least a month since my last writings. I haven’t really felt suicidal since I gave up the day I was going to kill myself. My therapist and psychiatrist were against the idea of me dying. Go figure. I still am angry with them for keeping me here. I had everything planned out, sort of. I knew how I was going to die, but I just didn’t know where. I didn’t want a family member to find me so that sort of kept me here. But the writing that I was doing before I gave up my date were my one outlet. Now they are gone and I don’t know if I will be that productive ever again.

Being Bipolar is Weird

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Being Bipolar is Weird

I went to my father’s and did what I had to do. The bus was late, as usual, and then was speeding the way home. I hate it when bus drivers try and make up time by speeding and then having to slam on the brakes when they reach the bus stop. Drive me nuts and makes me really anxious. While at my father’s, my niece texted me. She wanted to know if I could drop off a box to the post office. I said I would. I wish she would have texted me earlier as I went by the post office on my way to the bus stop on my first leg of my journey. Oh well. I will be leaving soon. If I time it right, I will then pick up my niece rather than come back home and rest for a little bit. My house should have a revolving door for me today as I have been out and in for most of the day, which is unusual for me.

I should have asked my therapist for a session today. I just need someone to talk to as the anxiety that I am feeling is building and Tuesday feels like forever. I know she will probably just say take an Ativan, but I will be babysitting soon so I can’t. I already had to take a pain pill because my mother came home and I had to go up and down stairs to get them in the house. My ankle is not happy about it. Of course, I wasn’t expecting to stand at the bus stop either for more than twenty minutes. I guess I just missed the bus because I had to drop off something at my aunt’s. I hate that. It was hot while I was waiting so I was sweating by the time the bus came.

I don’t know why I feel anxious. I think I am just feeling bad about the whole friend situation and being blocked. I should have blocked her when I said goodbye to her and now I am kicking myself. It reminds me that I haven’t heard from another friend in about a week. We usually just shoot the shit with emails. I miss our conversations. I will try and email her later while babysitting. I also been having ups and downs. My mood has been all over the place and I have been having problems getting to sleep. Usually I am asleep by midnight or earlier, but lately it has been later than that. I just am too energized to sleep. If I am not tired and sleepy, it makes it hard to sleep. I don’t know if I am hypomanic. It’s hard to tell because it happens so infrequently. I have been feeling up but then after a few hours, I feel really down and out. It’s like the dementors have visited me and I will never know joy again. Then the upswing will hit me and I feel “high” for a few more hours. Being bipolar is so weird. There is always this spectrum of being up and down. It doesn’t fit neatly into a category or box. And I am mostly depressed so this up feeling is weird for me, which is probably why I have been writing more blog posts lately. When I am up, I feel like I can do anything because I have this energy that is incredible. Then I get down and life sucks again. The thing that worries me is that when this happens, I tend to have psychotic symptoms in between or before the downs. This usually means I have to take additional meds to treat it. I hate taking more meds than I have to. I am already on ten different meds, not all psych meds. Adding an extra pill just sucks. I realized when I was sixteen that I would need to be on medication for the rest of my life. I just wasn’t planning on gaining a ton of weight and needing more meds to counteract it (i.e., hypertension meds). And because I am inactive due to my disability, losing weight is more of a struggle. I wouldn’t mind being a pill to lose weight. That would be the most ideal for me but of course, the doc won’t prescribe it. It has to be diet control. I am not good at diet control. I like cheeseburgers, cookies, and other sweets. I eat these in moderation but sometimes I crave them and need them. It’s kind of bad that my mother will buy cookies, too. I am so bad with cookies. They are my Achilles heel.

I won’t be driving anytime soon. My sister bought a truck and I am not good with driving huge vehicles. My peripheral vision is not that great and only made worse. I know that if I practice, I will get better but I really don’t want to practice on a new vehicle. It will take me five years to get out of the driveway because I suck at backing up. It just isn’t practical for me to behind the wheel of a huge thing. I am so sad because this means I can’t visit my therapist anymore or take my father to his stupid doctor’s appointment. I will need to change him to another primary care doctor closer to where we live.