Category: mood disorders

Saturday Blog 54

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My groceries came a little after the Wales/Northern Ireland game started. I normally don’t watch football as the Europeans call it, but no other sport was on worth watching. I put the ribs on to cook while I put the groceries away. My back almost went out a couple of times because I was standing and walking around the house, putting the various things away. My cheesecake and pumpkin pies came. After everything was away, I had a slice of pumpkin. I wanted to savor the cheesecake after I had the ribs and cole slaw. While watching the game, I saw the horrific goal made by Northern Ireland in their own post! I couldn’t believe it and of course they had to show it a million times at different angles. I feel so bad for NI because they probably would have won in OT or a shootout.

Now that I have had something to eat, I can rest. I don’t plan on going out because it’s hot out. Just cooking in the kitchen made me sweat. I can only wonder how much more I will if I start walking to the bus stop and head to the meat market to get the hamburgers. Looks like that won’t be until Monday. The grocery store substituted another brand of hamburger rolls, which works out good because the rolls are bigger. I got my avocados ready for that burger.

Tomorrow I am invited to my cousin’s for his son’s birthday. I am not going to go, even though they have a pool. It’s going to be really hot tomorrow and I can’t stand being in the sun, let alone being in a pool in the sun. I will stay in my AC’d room and eat the lovely food I bought.

I have been in a sad mood most of the day. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my father’s passing. I still haven’t cried for him. I do miss him. It is very weird not having him around. I don’t know if you get used to it. I do miss his sister, who we still have not seen because her illness has prevented us from seeing her. She gets confused very easily now these days and I am thinking the Parkinson’s is getting worse as time goes on. She will be 93 in November.

Last night, I decided to sign up for yet another email address. This one is on my contact page for those that want to contact me there. It’s Collerone at yahoo dot com. I miss having a yahoo account. I used to have one that I used regularly but it’s been compromised so many times that I had to deactivate it. Plus, I kept forgetting the password so good riddance. I thought of getting a gmail but I don’t really like it. I have to have one for my phone but that is all I use it for. Every so often I will check the mail and it’s mostly MLB stuff or LinkedIn, neither of which are important to me.

I really wasn’t expecting to get wiped out putting the groceries away. I could take a nap right now. I had really wanted to go out but now it doesn’t look to be the case. I still need to take a shower. My luck I will take one and then need another one because it’s so damn hot. Maybe I will take one before bedtime so it will relax me. I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I was fighting taking a nap around 1730/1800. Then around 1930, I got my second wind. I was up most of the night. I think I didn’t fall asleep till after or around midnight. I slept till 0930, which was good. I think having all those ribs made me sleepy. I ate like half a rack. They were so good! I now know to get baby back ribs rather than the St. Louis style. I like them better.

Last night I read some of Harry Potter and some of Dostoevsky. I would have read some of Common Struggle but I didn’t feel like it. I will read some of it today. I really need to get into a reading groove of some sort. Baseball isn’t on until around 2130, which is close to my projected bedtime. Sucks they are in Texas. They had a HUGE comeback win last night. I am so proud of them.

Paranoia continues once more

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Paranoia continues once more

My cousin saw me at the bus stop so gave me a ride to the Square. I wasn’t up for going because I was so tired but I wanted my hair cut. I woke up too late for my regular barber. Things were a little creepy. The music I was listening to sounded louder than it usually is and it felt like it was sending me messages but I couldn’t interpret them. I went to Starbucks for a frappe as I already made coffee at home. After I had my haircut, I waited at the bus stop to go home. I started feeling paranoid then, like everyone was watching me. I put on the music again to distract myself. I kept on hearing all of David Nail’s songs plus one song of Randy Houser. There weren’t that many songs so it repeated fairly quickly. The distraction wasn’t working. There was a guy that kept talking to himself with a radio set. He was freaking me out. The bus was of course late. It was a long way home.

I started walking home and the paranoia increased as well as the voices. I decided to take a trilafon when I got home. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I haven’t been sleeping during normal hours. I usually fall asleep between 0400-0500 or later. But once I get to sleep, I sleep for a few hours, as long as no one wakes me up. I had a few hours of good sleep this morning before my mother woke me up around 0930. I had to watch my niece for an hour before her grandmother came to pick her up. By the time she came, it was too late for me to see my regular barber. I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I made some coffee. I didn’t drink all of it. I had about ten ounces. I was hoping it would give me a bowel movement as I haven’t gone in two days but no such luck. I’ll just take some fiber pills tonight.

I got my new bag and used it today when I went out. Because my cousin picked me up, it kind of messed up my plans. I had planned on going to the barber first then to Starbucks. I went the reverse. I got too antsy at Starbucks and didn’t take my laptop out even though I brought it with me. I could barely write in my journal, I was so distracted. I figured I had better go to the barber before I changed my mind and I did. I got a nice buzz cut. I think it’s shorter than my previous haircut. My mother hasn’t seen it yet because I have been wearing my hat. She is not going to like it and that makes me happy, for some reason. I guess it’s defiance as she told me not to get it cut like this again. My head, my hair so I will do what I want with it.

I checked my student loan status today and it is once again under review. They did change the status date to April so that is an improvement. I am still waiting for a letter of some kind. I hate being in the dark.

I placed my huge grocery order today. I have no idea what the hell I bought but it’s slightly over $150. I just know I ordered ribs, cole slaw and my powerade. And oreos and cheesecake. The rest is just food that is not junk like steak and hot dogs. I have been craving a hot dog with hot dog relish on a bun. So that is what I got. My mother will usually buy hot dogs but not the buns. We usually use wheat bread for a bun. It’s okay but I like the bun better. It’s more filling to me. Now I just got to go to the meat market to get hamburgers. I bought some more avocados to make a good cheeseburger with my honey Dijon mustard. I was hoping to get it today but I didn’t want to miss the bus. I might go tomorrow, if I time the bus schedule right.

As I made a decision to go home, I wanted to get the sandwich I bought yesterday at Au Bon Pain. I couldn’t believe they were out of sliced bread! What kind of bakery place runs out of bread?? I was so disappointed. I am glad my mother made cod fish for dinner. It was good. She also made a potato salad with vinegar. I love that kind of potato salad, but then, I like vinegar more than mayo. It’s healthier.

I wish I brought my cane with me today. My ankle was and is really bad. The sidewalk I was walking on was uneven and that made my ankle hurt more. I hear the city is going to replace the brick with asphalt. I say yes, to some areas, especially the area I was walking on as it was so uneven. You could easily twist your ankle. I had to keep my eyesight on the ground instead of looking up because of my proprioception is so bad. It would take nothing for me to trip. That just caused the paranoia to get worse because I was fearful of the people around me as I was walking. I could swear they were making fun of me as I was walking by them. The voices were telling me this all through the walk back to the bus stop. I was never so fearful in my life.

A Rough and Boring Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A rough and boring day

I had a rough night sleeping. Seems I can only sleep in three hour spurts. I was again rudely waken up by a family member while dreaming so that added to my exhaustion. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back. I also told her about the trilafon situation and how the voices have become kind of commanding. I was going to page her today but never got around to it because of my sleepiness. I had set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day as I bought a book yesterday and wanted to pick it up. It’s just being added to my “to read” pile I have going on in my room. There are 10 books right now in that pile, not including the books on my Kindle. I just finished one book so I am happy about that. Now if I can get through another book by the end of the month, I will be happy.

I got home and immediately felt paranoid for some reason. It was hard to shake but I think the feeling is gone now. I distracted myself with Twitter. One of my Twitter buddies was in the area where the local bookstore is and if his schedule permitted, we could have met up. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe another time. I seem to be getting books at least once a month from this bookstore so maybe next month we can meet up.

I went to the Square to have my coffee. I think the person making it used regular cream instead of sweet cream because it didn’t taste all that sweet. I drank it anyway. I wrote in my journal until half the coffee was gone and then took off for the local bookstore. I really didn’t do much else. It just feels like a boring day. Nothing interesting happened. I did have a new sandwich that I liked at the Au Bon Pain. It had avocados and their zesty Dijon mustard that I love. This one had turkey in it with some kind of cheese. It was really good. I might get it tomorrow if I go out. It depends on how my damn ankle/foot is. It started flaring up on the walk back to the station after leaving the bookstore. My right also acted up but the left was worse. I wish I brought my cane but I didn’t carry my regular bag with me today. I just brought a cloth bookbag because that is what I needed it for. My regular bag has my cane in it.

I was debating getting a haircut at a new barber shop in the Square but didn’t. I couldn’t decide how I wanted it cut. I really got used to the bald cut that I had a few weeks ago. Now that my hair has grown back, I look like a chia pet so I need it cut again. I think I will go tomorrow morning to the same barber’s shop I go to. My mother isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s my head not hers.

I will be placing my grocery order tomorrow. I can’t wait because I am out of Oreos and I have been craving them. They cost too much at Walgreens, but then, everything is a little overpriced at Walgreens. I think you are just paying for the convenience rather than the value.

I’m not doing anything tonight except possibly read one of my many books. I have three that I am actively reading. Harry Potter, Common Struggle, and Dostoevsky. The other books listed on my GoodReads section of my blog are books that I read when I have the mental energy to. They are quite dense. One of the books I have no idea where I placed it last. I think it is in a hamper that I have junk instead of clothes. The “junk” is more papers and books than actual junk. I have to go through it one day to sort it out. I just need to find the motivation to do it. Maybe I should set up a reward system or something. If I do it, I can get some stuff on Amazon. Amazon is becoming my new addiction for buying things I need but don’t absolutely need. I bought two more books. One of the books is by JK Rowling’s pen name, which I can’t think of at the moment. It’s a fiction/mystery book I think. I think they are turning it into a movie in the UK so I want to read it. There are three books in the series so if I like it, I will get the other two. I do like Rowling’s writing so I know those books will be a good reward to clean out that hamper.

Therapy, Bags, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

For the first time in four years, I almost slept through my therapy session. I woke up ten minutes late. My therapist called twice and I didn’t hear the phone. I was listening to music and I guess when her ringtone came on it didn’t disturb me enough to wake up. So I had a 40 minutes session, which is better than nothing. She read part of the short story that I sent her the other day. She didn’t finish it but she liked what she read so far.

We talked about my day’s activities and how I was doing. We did talk about the voices but I told her I had taken the trilafon in a text message. I took double because I didn’t want to hear the voices. I have like 6 pills left. When I get down to 2, I will notify my psychiatrist to see if she will refill some more for me.

I have been so tired because I woke up at 0300 and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. Then my mother called while I was dreaming and that always makes me exhausted when I wake up like that. It’s just disturbing and then I am tired the rest of the day.

I took my niece out for a bit and beat the rain. I got pizza and fries for us. We had a good time and then I went back up to my room because it was so hot in her apartment. They didn’t have AC. I think my room is the only room in the whole house that has AC so you know where I am hanging out most of the summer when I am not out.

I ordered another book. This book I found in the Facebook group, “history of Boston”. It’s called “White Trash” and is about the class system of America for the last 400 years. I find books like this interesting. I ordered it through a local bookstore so I don’t have to wait for delivery. I will pick it up tomorrow as I don’t feel like going back out today. I forgot to mail my letter for the birth certificate again. I am so mad at myself. So I will do this as well.

I placed another Amazon order because I am an addict. But seriously, I needed to get my allergy pills because I am running low. I also got the DVD “Liar Liar”. I love that movie. It’s one of my favorite Jim Carey movies. It will give me a laugh when I think about something from the movie, especially the pen is blue scene. He is a brilliant actor. I also bought another bag, another addiction I have. Pens and bags are my biggest things that I will spend money on. This one is similar to the Pearl Jam messenger bag I bought back in January. It’s a little smaller and fits my laptop. I hope that if I find a bag that I like that fits my laptop, I will take it with me more and maybe do some writing outside of my room. I found that I have gone away from backpacks and gone toward laptop/messenger bags. As long as it can hold a book or two as well is all I care about because I will need my journal wherever I go. My paranoia about someone stealing my bag or worse my laptop is sometimes so great that I leave the laptop at home. Or someone breaking into my laptop while I am on a network. I don’t store my personal information like my SS number on my laptop but I have visited websites that have that information because they needed it. This isn’t to say my network is secure but I hope that no one breaks through. Mostly what they will get are my blogs. I really don’t have anything else of value to a would be robber of my laptop, though it will suck to get a new one. Only one of the reasons why I leave my laptop at home.