Category: mood disorders

Saturday Blog 05032022

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 05032022

My mother made blueberry muffins so my room smells fruity. I slept for more than 20 hours and I still feel tired. My sore arm has been bothering me all day. It woke me up briefly during the night so I just moved it. I didn’t want to get up. I had drank a lot of water and had a coffee before sleeping. By 1am I had to go pee. It was the only time I got up. I also took my meds as I didn’t take them. I woke up today and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. My mother stepped into the bathroom and it was all I needed to have an accident. I pooped my pants. I didn’t even feel it as I just saw the mess when I took my pants down. I was not happy. I need to take a shower but I am in too much pain with my arm.

I have to brush my teeth today. It has been three days since I last did so. I lost my streak. I have just been so depressed. I had sent a message to my psychiatrist that my depression is worse. I also told him about my weight loss struggles. He said that he would do some med change at next appointment. I see him in a few weeks, the same week I see my TG doc. Ironically, I see him on my father’s birthday. March is a very heavy anniversary month. I first attempted suicide 31 years ago today. Monday will be the first time I entered therapy where I lied my ass off saying I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t want to be in “trouble”. They dismissed me and didn’t offer any other therapy. I didn’t want therapy but the school nurse convinced me to see the school counselor.

I wanted to make turkey bacon for dinner but I don’t feel like cooking so I just spent my last twenty bucks on McD’s. I have had a shitty day so I need comfort food. Arm is still sore so with my 4PM meds I took a pain med. I don’t know why my bicep hurts. I see PT on Tues.

While I was reading Cry of Pain the other day, I came across a term called “brief affective reaction” which got me thinking about “acute suicidal affective disturbance”. It is something I texted my therapist about and will talk to her about on Mon when I see her. I don’t think she has heard of it before and I wish I could send her the PDF but I can’t. I can only send pics through the patient web thing. I found the PDF that highlights the disturbance. I will share the screen when I talk to her on Zoom on Mon. I have added the picture here if you want to look at what constitutes as criteria. It isn’t a good pic as I took the pic of my laptop screen. I tried to screenshot the page but I don’t know how to do it.

My sleepy hour has approached. I am so tired. I think the uro meds causes some of the drowsiness I feel but I can’t say for sure. I hope I can sleep tonight without pain. I will take a BT med before I lay down. Sometimes that helps to ease the pain a little bit so I can get to sleep.

twitter rant 07022022

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, FTM, gender dysphoria, mood disorders

I got my blinders on and my anxiety has taken the reins. We were able to talk about it. I got one of the reins back but not the other one. I am so set on disappointment that my suicidality is in only mode which is a huge red flag. Therapist knows this even though I am being vague. She said psychologically I am ok to have the surgery but that doesn’t mean my physiology is ok, meaning the damn BMI may hinder surgery. I need to wait till April 19th with this weight of anxiety on me and suicidality. Every day is going to be hard and this dysphoria doesn’t help. Hating my body because I am not a male is killing me. I want to be flat chested and I don’t care if I have nipples or not. That isn’t important to me. Having the breast tissue gone is what is important to me. I won’t have bottom surgery because my privates don’t work right as it is. Taking out my clit and vagina doesn’t appeal to me. I actually like them so they are staying. Uterus is gone so no more periods to worry about. But if my size is what is going to keep this breast on, I am dead. I have it all planned out. Which is why I am trying to remain hopeful it will go ok and I won’t be rejected. If I have to wait due to damn covid fine. But if I have to wait because I need to lose 40lbs. Nope. Nice knowing you all. Blinders are saying this. I need More options or the entrapment I feel will suffocate me. Constriction and perturbation is high. That is all I will say for now.

Saturday blog 22012022

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I was having a hard time last night. 4 family members were upset with me because I didn’t bring the recycle down. I had asked my niece to do it and she never did so I got the blame. I got called a hoarder and it really hurt because i know I am not.

Today I slept until my bladder was gonna explode. My sister was in our bathroom so I had to go downstairs to use my other sister’s bathroom, which meant not cathing because she doesn’t have catheters in her bathroom and I didn’t grab any before leaving my room. I had something to eat and coffee. I feel like I could go back to sleep. I actually went to bed around 7 last night but I didn’t sleep. I felt guilty going to bed so early.

I had a difficult day as I got my haircut and then had to go to urgent care for my blood pressure issues. I was having side effects from the blood pressure pill and the doc wanted to put me on a Holter monitor. I said no. My new pcp is going to see me Thursday to start me on the beta blocker lebatalol. But I got to be seen in person. At 0830. Yuck. Next week is going to be a busy week so i hope by Thursday I have some insomnia so I can go to the appt. Otherwise i could sleep through the appt.

I am going to try and shower today. I want to shave my head but don’t think I can do it. I haven’t brushed my teeth in three days. I am so bad when it comes to this stuff. My new toothpaste has become community property. I am not happy about this. I am so tired I just want to go back to bed. I took my morning meds when I got up at 2pm. That is really late to take my twice a day pain med. I just had a really hard time sleeping during the night. I kept waking up to pee.

a going off blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A going off blog

I am just going to bitch about the problems in my life today because I have a therapist I can’t really talk to at times because she intimidates me. I have been slowly getting the recycle in my room together to be thrown in the recycle to be picked up tomorrow. It might seem like I am a hoarder but I am not. I just get overwhelmed and I don’t want the criticism that I drink too much Gatorade every single time I bring down the recycles. I have one bag of trash that needs to be thrown out. The problem is that the blood pressure medication that I am taking has been causing me heart rate problems. My heart rate went up to 156 and all I did was bend down to get something off the floor and when I stood up, I got wicked palpitations and heart racing. I sent a message to my doc that I want to be back on the beta blocker I was to control my BP. It was 142/94 today so the medication isn’t helping just causing problems/side effects.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist last night because I was so fed up with being in pain and being tired all the time because I am not sleeping during the night. I fought fatigue most of the day yesterday and didn’t nap. Last night was the same deal. I woke up around 0130 to pee and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I tried to stay off my phone even though I had messages. My psychiatrist wrote back saying that he supports me. I told him I hadn’t showered in days or brushed my teeth. Last night before bed I did brush my teeth. I haven’t done so today yet. I still need to shower. I stink because I was sweating yesterday. I also need to shave. My stubble is going to turn into a beard soon if I don’t.

My ribs are hurting. Actually everything on my left side is hurting. During dinner I put heat on my shoulder. My mother made pork chops and mashed potatoes. It was good. Now I just want to listen to some music and maybe read a bit before taking my night meds. I haven’t touched my book all week. So much for setting aside reading time. I can’t help it sometimes I am just too tired to read. I got 11 days to finish it. I want to try and read one book a month.