Category: mood disorders

Slow Wednesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Slow Wednesday

I have been moving at slow speed most of the day. I have no energy to do anything. I woke up early, around 0630, had breakfast, and then was able to get back to sleep. I woke up when I heard my mother leave the house. I made a couple of phone calls that needed to be made and then went back to sleep. I have no appetite for lunch. I did have a couple of cookies. I had bought some Cinnamon Bon Bon Oreos. They were good but the frosting inside was way too sweet for my taste. I like eating the cookie more than the filling anyways. If Oreo just sold their cookies part, I would be in heaven. I really want to go get a roast beef sandwich but I have no energy, least not to what it will take to get there and come back home.

I think my father cranked called me. I received a call from a restricted number and all I heard was a commercial. I hung up and the bastard didn’t call back. I wasn’t going to call him because why should I? He is being a dick right now and I have no time for that.

I finally was able to take a shower but it wore me out faster than anything. I just want to go back to sleep. I had no therapy today because of my asshole father. I had canceled the appointment because I thought we would be going to his doctor’s appointment. Now I don’t have therapy until next week. I am tempted to cancel just because but I won’t. Seeing as things have been the past few months, I think she will honor the cancellation rather than fight me on it.

I am feeling really depressed. I really miss my psychiatrist. It’s been two months since I last saw her. I don’t know when she will be back in the office and I don’t think she does either. I hope it’s sometime this month. I still have not received a response from the three emails I sent her. I was hoping to hear back from her by now but I guess not.

My appetite has been coming back in stints. I am getting hungry now so I think I will make a black bean burger. Or maybe some pizza. I don’t know what I will make. It’s so difficult when you feel hungry and are too depressed to make a decision. The black bean burger took less time than the pizza so I decided to have that. Now my mouth is on fire from the chipotle. I really love these burgers. They cost a lot for four patties, though. I will get them again. They aren’t as big as the ones my sister got from work, but they are filling.

I got my suicide legal book yesterday. I thought it was the first edition but it’s actually the second so it’s more up-to-date. I haven’t read it yet but I did read the table of contents. It has a “anti-suicide” contract section. I am cringing. I hope it’s not the same as a “No harm” contract. Those don’t work. Right now, I can’t string together words so it will have to wait until I am a little clear headed to read it. It’s a heavy book even though it’s less than 300 pages. But then, it is a hard cover. I might write a review if I do read it.

I was going to read a little bit, but I am too tired. That shower really took whatever energy I had and made me mush. My thoughts are so slow. If they were any faster, it might start a fire. I feel like I am walking in mud whenever I go up or down the stairs. I just am not myself. And the sad part is that no one cares. The people that should care, my medical team or what is left of it, is gone. It’s an unsettling feeling. I know, you, my blog readers care. And that does count. It’s just I wish my PCP would call me like he used to, to check on me. That level of caring is long gone. And I don’t think it’s ever coming back.

Crazy Bastard II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Crazy Bastard II

I just got off the phone with my father to tell him he has a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. He isn’t going. He doesn’t want to see his doctor. He doesn’t want to take his Coumadin, he is mad at me, thinking I am going to kill him, so I am done. I want nothing to do with him anymore. He has it in his mind that Coumadin is dangerous and shouldn’t be taken. It is the reason why he got so sick in the hospital. So I am done.

I texted my sister but haven’t heard back. For some reason, I am crying and I never cry. Bastard is going to kill himself and I should care less. Maybe it’s the relief of not having to deal with him anymore. I canceled the Zipcar. I am not going anywhere tomorrow. I’ll cancel the appointment in the morning, too.

I didn’t go anywhere today. I was up for 21 hours straight yesterday and all I could do today was sleep. I had a black bean burger for lunch and it’s been the only sustenance I had all day. I am not hungry. I still feel bloated from eating pork chops last night, even though my system has been cleaned out with the senna. Frankly, I don’t care if I ever eat again. I seriously have lost my appetite and I don’t care if I get it back. I was going to vote, but I felt so weak and the thought of taking four buses wasn’t appealing (two to get there and two to come home). If I could walk there, I would but it’s like four big city blocks to get there and I just can’t do it. It would kill me.

I never heard back from my PCP’s office. I guess being a few points down on potassium isn’t a big deal like I thought it was. But then, it’s not like I am being followed by someone that knows me. I know that if my other PCP was there, I would have received a call today. My psychiatrist hasn’t returned my emails. I guess she has nothing to say.

I had therapy today. We were trying to talk about the need for therapy but I felt like I was going to pass out on her so we talk minimally. I told her I still feel obligated to see her, even if my account was zero. She said we had to find out why that is. Yea, right. She also will try and ease up on the way she feels about me. I don’t know what that means. Maybe it will mean she won’t she her affection towards me as much. We still don’t know why I need therapy to begin with. I am not saying my issues have been solved. They are ongoing issues. I only am seeing her once this week. I would have seen her tomorrow but my father screwed up those plans and then some. She wants me to think of the reasons why I am in therapy or something like that, to talk next week about it.

That is her standard answer for everything, we’ll talk about it next time. Write down my thoughts and we’ll look at it next week. I frankly, don’t remember what we talked about or how I felt because staying awake was important. I knew that if I closed my eyes, I would have passed out on her. It was good that I didn’t drive to see her. I might have had an accident. She seems content to be talking on the phone these days. Of course, she wants me to practice more self-care these days. I still have a vague idea about what that means. All I know is that I need to take a shower soon and it won’t be happening tonight.

Lab work is back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lab work is back

I just got my lab results. My potassium is low but it could have been lower had it not been sitting around all day in the lab. I am so mad that I didn’t drop off the bloods myself. But as I am no longer an employee in the hospital, I can’t do things like that anymore. Thing that makes me wonder if the labs were accurate is because my CO2 level was also low, which probably means the cap was off the top for a while before the tube was analyzed. I am not happy about this. But there is nothing I can do, and that pisses me off.

I have been trying to get settled down to get some sleep but my brain is angry. I know nothing will probably get done about the result other than possibly to eat a banana or something. I don’t like bananas unless they are a certain type of ripeness. That is the only way I will eat them. I emailed my psychiatrist about the lab results. I didn’t tell her the labs were sitting around all day. I probably should have. I really miss her though. I don’t know when she will be back in the office. She hasn’t answered any emails from me, but then she is probably busy.

I fee tired but I am afraid that if I go to bed now, I will wake up around midnight or a few hours after midnight. I doubt I will be able to sleep past three o’clock. I never took a nap because I just wasn’t tired or sleepy, despite taking my pain meds. I thought for sure my meds would knock me out but I was wrong. Must have been the espresso I drank that kept me going. I took my night meds so hopefully that will cause some sleepiness. I have been up almost 20 hours. That is a long time. I probably won’t do anything tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to go to my father’s but I have no idea what the stupid VNA is going to do about his meds. They called me again and the nurse from Sunday left no messages for the nurse today. So I had to repeat everything and go over everything once more. Idiots. Then she has to call the PCP to verify what I am saying is true. What the hell you asking me for?? I am so damn annoyed.

I should probably read something. That always puts me to sleep but sometimes it wakes up my brain. I had to shut the music off because it was giving me a headache. It was also annoying me because I didn’t know what I wanted to listen to. I must have skipped several songs before shutting it off, three of them from Bon Jovi and I love listening to them. I am just worried that my potassium is what is causing all this stuff to happen to me because I haven’t been eating right. I ate tonight but now I feel like a cow. I am so bloated. I probably won’t eat anything tomorrow. I seem to be skipping days. The appetite is just not there. I am surprised because I took some gabapentin Saturday so I was expecting to be ravenous. Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. The NP didn’t want to blame it on the depression. She just called it stress. I was too out of it to argue with her. It had been at least 12 hours since I last had something to eat when I saw her so was in and out of being hungry. Surprisingly, my blood sugar was within norms, though it was high for fasting at 92. I have been trying to get my sugar lower to at least between 70-80 but it hasn’t been working for me. I just hope my A1C levels are normal. I don’t think I can handle being a diabetic.

Twitter Rant: CAMS and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I wrote this at 0400 today. excuse the hashtags

Twitter rant CAMS and Suicide

I wonder if there will ever come a day when there isn’t a hierarchical relationship between client and clinician in the matters of #suicide. That clinician and client work together to deal with #suicide and all that it portends, without judgement, stigma, or fear. These are the musings I have at this hour. Anyone can be trained for suicide prevention but do they go with that training or own prejudices. I have seen that changing clinicians’ minds about how they deal with #suicide training doesn’t change their perception of it. The old stigma of “they’re going to do it anyways” so why bother helping them is prevalent. If it doesn’t change their perception of #suicide, why then bother spending hundreds of dollars for training if you aren’t going to use it?? Case in point, at the Menninger clinic, they had a CAMS study where the authors noted the clinicians resistance to this easy framework. Again, it was hierarchical, the clinician knows best, the client knows nothing, This truly needs to change if we are to prevent #suicides. CAMS was designed to work with all disciplines (SW, PhD, PsyD, MD, etc.) Yet these clinicians had their biases & stigma preventing an open mind. CAMS is unlike any other theory, is quick to learn, and has less paperwork. Along with the SSF, it really help deal with #suicidal clients. I might be biased for CAMS only because it saved my life and I think it is the most superior #suicide assessment out there. Here is my blog about #CAMS. #CAMS is also NOT a replacement or new treatment but a theory that working collaboratively helps someone who is #suicidal. my musings started when a therapist was complaining about the use of the CBT paperwork and stayed away from it in her practice. As a patient, I can totally understand why the CBT paperwork is so daunting. I never liked it and don’t think it is helpful but others have found it helpful. And you have the CBT nuts that swear by it. I just wonder if it is because that is all that they were trained to be like DBT therapists. You don’t have to change disciplines to work with #CAMS, after the assessments, the client will need that discipline for treatment. I still would love to replicate the study in the Boston area about therapists and their attitudes toward suicide and training. Final thoughts are that #suicide training is under utilized in this country and not mandated. when is that going to change??