Category: psychache

Psychache Returns

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, psychache

I wanted to go out today but it didn’t happen. I didn’t sleep good last night and I was really tired. Plus a friend was coming over the house and I wanted to clean up a little bit. Another reason I didn’t want to go out is that my damn bowels were unpredictable today. I kept on getting cramps but nothing would happen. Nothing, not even a fart. And the cramps were bad. Pissed me off that I was held hostage in the house because of this. I couldn’t risk going out and have my bowels act up on me. I wouldn’t be able to hold it due to my nerve injury.

I had therapy today. My therapist wants me to write when I feel the “fuck its” come on and/or use the crisis response plan. I don’t know why she wants me to use the response plan. I am not in crisis when the fuck its hit. I just don’t want to do anything. I want to stop taking my meds. And just hide from the world and think about death. I really wanted to die last night. I don’t know why as I was having a relatively good day. But sometime after 1800, my mood went from being okay to being suicidal, just like that. I was listening to Taylor Swift so it wasn’t her music that was causing me to be depressed. Her music does the opposite. It was like the bottom fell out and I was back in the black hole of depression. It was so bad, I was paralyzed with my thoughts. I couldn’t even call out on Twitter or any social media platform. All I could say was that I was a shitty writer and that even though I sold three books the first of the month, I couldn’t feel any joy. Then I tried to think how many books I have sold and couldn’t remember how to run a report to figure it out. When I finally did, it turns out I am well below my goal of 100 books. I will need to sell 50 books between now and April 10th. I don’t think that is likely. I have decided to keep an excel file from now on.

I am back in the abyss of depression. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I have no motivation to finish typing my story. I keep looking at my bag that has the notebook in it. But I have yet to get up and get it, even though it is only a few feet away. I just keep procrastinating. I am glad I don’t have a deadline or anything. I would so be in trouble if I did. The pain in my chest is back, but it’s not the same kind that I felt the other day. This pain is constant and is psychache. It is making everything difficult. I can barely breathe at times. It just takes the wind right out of me. It drains me of energy. It makes me think of death and self-destruction. Lately, I have been wanting to write suicide notes and letters. I haven’t done it because I fear that if I do, I will end up killing myself. I still have to have someone I trust take care of my social media accounts, mostly just Facebook and Twitter. I don’t care about Google+, Linkin, or the others I have signed up for.

My thoughts are once again dark. I thought I was getting better. I don’t understand what happened. But these feelings always come back, harsher and more terrible as I get older. I often wonder if I am being undertreated for my condition but I know my psychiatrist has done the best she can for me, pharmacologically and supportive. She has always been the rock I depend on. I also know that I wouldn’t be here if my therapist wasn’t so damn stubborn. I just have treatment resistant depression. The only thing that has not been tried is ECT and TMS. I won’t have ECT because I am too afraid of the memory loss. If anything, I value my memory more than my life and without it, I might as well just be dead. TMS I don’t know why I haven’t been given this option. It is just magnetic stimulation and has had good results in some people. Course, I have been out of the research domain for a few years so I don’t know much more about it. I know they perform it at the hospital I was in as an outpatient.

I just feel really crummy, like my heart is falling out of my chest. The pain that I feel is tolerable right now. It’s nothing that I have not been through before. It is when it becomes intolerable I really am in danger. But my moods have been fluctuating lately. One moment they are deep, dark and then the next they are out of control and all I can think about is death to relieve myself of the misery I am feeling. Thinking about death has always been a solace for me. It is the constant reminder that I have the option of ending my life whenever I choose.

Enchanted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, psychosis

Enchanted

I forgot where I was going with this. Not having a good time right now. Side effects and mixed states do not mix. But this song always reminds of the night I shook David Jobes’ hand after he read my Ten Faces poster at the 41st AAS annual conference. The video is a little dizzying as the slow mo can make you feel sick so if you suffer from motion sickness, I would not recommend watching it!

I hate feeling cooped up yet zonked at the same time. I want to sleep but my arms are spastic. And I am just annoyed. Annoyed at everyone in my family today. I got “yelled” at by practically every member of the family today and I do not like it. I did what I could with my father and his appointment but if he doesn’t open his mouth, who am I to put words in it? Then my mother thinks I am her cook. She wanted me to make pasta for her lentil soup but I felt drowsy so slept. She then calls me asking where I was after she got annoyed with her sister. Today was not a good day with family. I just want to go to sleep but I am too agitated by side effects. Even as I am typing this my hand is cramping and it is quite painful. Fucking abilify. I emailed my psychiatrist and told her what was going on. I told her about the delusions and how isolated I have become. Still no response from her. I will be shocked if I get one. I just am glad I have therapy tomorrow because I hate these mixed states more than I hate anything else. My patience is gone. My father called and blew up because he saw blood on his shirt where he had his biopsy today. He said he was “covered” but I don’t believe him. It was a tiny puncture wound. I doubt that it would bleed that much. He just called me again to say there was “blood all over the place”. Lord help me. I think I will have some gin tonight. Screw the meds. I already had my pain meds and an Ativan. My therapist will not be happy with me but fuck her. She doesn’t know what I dealt with today. And maybe I can get some decent sleep. I just want to sleep till 0800, is that too much to ask for??

Zero Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Zero Suicide

For most of the day, I have been reading on Twitter, “Zero Suicide”. While I believe in decreasing the suicide rate, I don’t ever think there will be zero suicide in any population, in any country of the world. In the words of the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, he stated before his death, “well how many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. So there is a morality. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I am for suicide prevention”. That to me, sums up the notion there can never be zero suicide. To think that one day there can be, is just foolish. Now to prevent suicide, that is another ball game. I believe that there should be every effort to prevent a suicide from happening. But to do that, you will have to do quite a few things. Suicide must be talked about like cancer is talked about. Cancer was once considered taboo. People thought if you talked about it, you could get it. So it is with suicide, that talking about it will lead to someone taking their life. This is a myth. The next is that if you are suicidal, you will be forever. As Shneidman has explained, suicide is a time limited event. It doesn’t last forever. You might, like me, have lingering thoughts of suicide or once your mental pain has decreased, you no longer think about taking your life.

It just angers me when people talk about “zero suicides”. I get the sentiments but I just think it is foolish without serious interventions and preventions out there. Increasing hotlines or having your family doc talk openly about it. All that is needed is usually an open ear. Increasing services rather than taking them away. Decrease wait times for call back services or for psychiatric crisis teams. If there were more people who actually had help that was available to them rather than waiting months for an appointment, there definitely will be less suicides, possibly. This has to be more than words on a sheet of paper. I once heard of a case in the UK that a woman was waiting desperately for a callback from their crisis team, for days. She was begging them for hospitalization. They denied it or there wasn’t a bed available so she ended up killing herself. Her daughter was left to deal with the aftermath. I know things like this happen in the US as well. My friend’s daughter was once in the ER for days before there was a bed available at a psych hospital/unit.

I just think that if more mental health professionals dealt with suicidal people rather than pawn them off to hospitals, there might be less suicides. I am not saying that is the answer to every case, but if outpatient services are afraid of suicide, how is the client supposed to trust them?

Quitting time

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, psychache, suicidality

Quitting time

Quitting time is one of my favorite songs by Mary Chapin Carpenter. It is the song that I sent my ex to officially break up. It didn’t happen. Months later she contacted me, then blocked me on Facebook and I haven’t heard from her since. I think I might have thought of it when I was going through some hard times with my therapist.

Right now, it feels like it should be my quitting time. I haven’t been able to get out of the funk I am in. My therapist is supposed to let me know if she has an opening tomorrow. I kind of don’t want to talk to her. I just want her to leave me alone. But the more I try pushing her away, the more sessions I get. It doesn’t go in my favor. I just don’t feel like talking when I am in this type of funk.

I am supposed to go to PT tomorrow but I might cancel it because of the weather. It’s supposed to snow and if there is a lot, I am not going out in it. My ankle is still going to bother me no matter what they try to do. I don’t think going to PT is going to help me. I was hopeful before but now, since I feel so hopeless, I don’t think the same way. I just feel so worthless and have the “why bothers”.

I got to call my doctor’s office tomorrow as I think I need something for this cough that won’t go away. It is worse when I go up stairs and I can’t catch my breath. Then I start wheezing. I just get so congested. I haven’t been running any fevers or feel sick. I just have this cough that just won’t go away.

I feel like giving up. I don’t have anything keeping me here. I feel so awful, day in and day out. Part of me knows this is temporary but I am just tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just give up? Why can’t I just take my life? I am worthless and useless. I can’t shake these feelings. I have tried distraction, music, showering, etc. I still don’t feel any better. I am in pain with my ankle and that brings me down further. I really just want to end my life and be done with it. It’s quitting time.