Category: suicidality

a little of this and that and transgender too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, suicidality, transgender

Had a horrible day. Spent the entire late morning/afternoon at the hospital with my dad. They still have no idea what is wrong with him and it is starting to piss me off. I feel like my father is living my life in the “I don’t know what is wrong with you” circle. He had some scans done and we will be back next week to find out the results of those scans. Just lovely. Another day of boredom. I will be bringing my laptop and my manuscript so I will have something to work on while waiting for the doc.

I got to talk to my cousin today. Found out my aunt’s wake is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday. Not looking forward to it but you have to show up and pay respect and say goodbye. It’s going to be a sad day for me.

I am pretty exhausted from today and in pain. I was in pain most of the day yesterday so all I did was sleep most of the day and then be up most of the night. I rather sleep during the day and be up all night. I miss working second shift. It was the perfect balance of not being a day person and being a night person.

I talked with my therapist for the last time this week and she is on vacation next week because it’s school vacation. We talked about my book and how it is affecting me and then she wanted to know more about the voices and I flipped out a little. I couldn’t tell her but did tell her that the voice I hear is actually her, well, not really her but her persona or something. I can’t explain it. It is just something that happens to me. I hear a voice and it will get stuck in my head and start talking to me is the best way to put it. That is why sometimes songs get their go around in my head and I can’t stop it unless I take medication. I had this one voice last summer that just wanted to talk to me at night, just before sleeping. And boy, was she demanding. I would nod off and she would get all offended. And the more sleepy I was, the more she would ask questions! So annoying! I am glad she is gone and hope she doesn’t come back!

I have to get dressed up tomorrow. I hate getting dressed up. I don’t have clothes that fit me anymore except for one pair of pants. And it is going to be cold so I have to wear a long sleeved shirt, which because I gained weight, I have only one that fits. If I didn’t have breasts, I would be fine. Things would fit nicely. Pisses me off that I have them. But then I will never be a “guy”. Just in my head I will be one. To the rest of the world I am a FEMALE, like it says on my medicare card I got the other day. How degrading. I could have killed myself over it. But I guess I am getting better at living this double life, even if it is painful. I recently heard that Facebook has changed gender roles. I wonder what that is about. I haven’t looked at it because in my mind you are either a female or a male. I am a male, but in a female’s body. So, yea, I kind of get the confusion. UGH. This sucks. If only we were to choose what we wanted to be at the age of five none of this identity confusion would exist. Just because you are born one way doesn’t mean you are truly that way. Now I feel suicidal because I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself. I am despicable.

really vulnerable right now

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, psychosis, suicidality

Had a painful day today. I am very sore from my fall that I took yesterday. Walking is more difficult now because my knee and thigh are involved in giving me pain.

I feel lousy because I still have this cold. I don’t know if it is getting better or worse, but it definitely isn’t going away. I have been taking vitamin D supplements to try and boost my immune system. And no that is not a typo, I meant D. I participated in a trial of vitamin D to help boost immune function and it does work. Since I have been taking it, I have not had bronchitis or pneumonia. It does lessen the effect of the cold but I have been lax in taking it every day.

Voices are still around taunting me. I am trying not to listen to them but it is so tiring to do so. My defenses are already down because of this cold that I got and my pain threshold has been increased. I am just really vulnerable right now.

I emailed my PCP’s office the other night and got a response. I had to laugh and ask myself, did they even read the message?? I told them the nerve block didn’t work and I was not going to see another specialist ever again for my ankle problem. Or have another test done. The nurse writes back “oh I see you have further tests to be done and see a neurologist”. I am like WTF are you kidding me lady!! Did I have to SPELL it out that I am DONE with anything anyone else can think of that is causing me this pain and not help me with it??? My pain meds are working and that is all I fucking care about. Just as long as my doc continues to prescribe them, there isn’t going to be any problems.

I got an email from my pharmacy saying that my medicine, which I just put in a refill on, is out of stock. So today I call to see if it has come in and find out the manufacturer is having problems making it. I am like what??? I heard about this shit happening but not to my medication!! I have enough to cover me and hopefully it comes in tomorrow but if not I don’t know what I am going to do. I need my Ativan! I hate having to ration it and just take it if I really need it. I might have to use more Neurontin to cover my issues as lately it has been helping me with sleep.

Been up since six this morning. I hate waking up this early and I didn’t take a nap today. I am really cranky. I made myself breakfast, like I always do. I might have breakfast for dinner. I am too lazy to make something else. My specialty is fried egg sandwich. Used to be scrambled egg but now it’s fried egg, once I learned how to turn the egg over, LOL. It is not an easy thing to do without breaking the yolk! And I love the yolk. Probably why my cholesterol is high but I don’t care. I just read something today that said that having chronic depressive episodes is “causally linked” to heart disease. So if I am going to have a heart attack that kills me before I kill myself, I am for it! But I wonder if the reverse might be true, that heart disease causes depression?? HMM there is something to ponder! But then you have the health junkies that die of a heart attack so I don’t get it.

Tonight, which is soon, all I am going to do is watch the TV show MASH and laugh. I love that show.

Oh and I forgot…today is my thirteen anniversary of CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. 13 years ago today I lost my ability to walk and within a month got it back but I had to have back surgery to have that happen.

What I’ve done

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, transgender

*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******

What I’ve done, I cannot undo. What I have done, is not something that can be explained readily. Talking about Self-Harm is never easy. Just three little cuts is all that were made. The pressure of the day just got to me. I had to release the pressure that was building up the best way I know how. Something snapped inside of me today. I am sure that it is because of the transgender issues that I have been having in my support group for my nerve injury. Somehow my real name was used and despite me correcting them, they still used it. I got very pissed off and annoyed. I know there were other ways I could have handled it but I couldn’t have a blow out over my name issue. Then my book is weighing on my mind. And I wonder how many people are expecting it to be wonderful and what if it isn’t? What if I don’t meet their expectations of this book? All of this was weighing on me today. And I just snapped. I didn’t plan on cutting until it really popped into my head as a great tool to use. I don’t encourage this type of behavior to anyone. But today it fit for me. I am not sure how I feel about it. My wrist hurts. It is sore from its wounds. But the bleeding has stopped like I knew it would. Just three little cuts is all that I made. No big deal. It was of my own volition. No one (voices) told me to do it. And it certainly is not enough to warrant a medical visit of any sort. Psychiatric perhaps but not medical. My biggest fear right now is what I am going to tell my therapist tomorrow. I know she is going to be worried. But I think I am better now that I got this out of my system. I think I can sleep better. I don’t want to do more damage, least not tonight. I know I will always have these urges. Tonight they got the better of me. I am not proud of this. But it was what needed to get done so I had a release. Talking didn’t help. Listening to music didn’t help. taking a PRN didn’t help. I guess I just had cutting on my mind a little more than I should have had. Now I have to wear long sleeves until they heal. That is going to be a challenge because I love wearing short sleeved shirts. But that is my punishment. I have to wear long sleeved shirts until my wounds heal. Will they heal though? Physically they will but I doubt I will heal mentally. The scars are always there to remind me that I am not well, or that once I was not well. I didn’t cut to get stitches tonight and that is good. I just want to feel somewhere I belong. Yet I have to keep myself away from myself. How am I going to do that? I can’t erase what I’ve done.

doubts and fears about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

I don’t know what kind of day I have been having. It started very early, like 0430 early. I got some writing done. Had breakfast but that was the only thing I have eaten today. I am too tired to make something to eat. The leftover Chinese wasn’t enough to fill me up. I just had a banana. Hopefully that ties me over until tomorrow. Missing two meals is a big deal but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I saw my PCP today and he is trying to reassure me that I don’t have CES again with my foot problem. Meanwhile I am trying to convince him that I still have nerve damage in my foot. He wants me to see yet another flipping doctor. UGH. I will but I am going to keep my tongue in check when he says there is nothing wrong with me or that I just have a case of chronic tendonitis. If he decides to put me in a damn boot he has another thing coming to him. I am not wearing a boot. I wore one for almost three months and it didn’t do shit. Well it did do something, took out my hip flexor muscle. That felt so good (insert sarcasm here) NOT!

I had a chat with my therapist today. We talked about my doubts about my book. We also talked about my fears that I have. And the more we talked, the more I didn’t want to publish. Then my editor says she is changing her policy and I freak out so I IM’d her to find out if this includes me. I sent her two chapters of my book so she can get an idea of what my writing style is. I am hoping she will be ok with it. I really want to work with her and I think she wants to work with me. I just have one more payment for her and then it still is a waiting game on when she can fit me in. But all this waiting is driving me nuts. I have decided to print off the copy of the book and there are like six blank pages. I am printing blank pages that are costing me money! DOH! I figure I can read the book again and see of something pops out at me that I should change or add to. And what is really killing me is that I emailed my book to some people and they backed out of reading it. Didn’t have the courtesy of letting me know, for a MONTH now. I am kind of pissed but I understand that life gets in the way. But they should have let me know sooner rather than later!

So my therapist wants me to get someone to read it to give me some feedback on the book before it is published. Problem is, I don’t have many “real” people to do this. I don’t have a best friend that I can talk to about this and give him or her my book and let them tell me how it is. I might have to ask someone on Facebook to help me. I don’t know who else to ask. Course most of my status posts go ignored. Course I am at the point where I think publishing is going to open a can of worms I might not be ready for. This book is very personal, like my blog. But I don’t think my family reads my blog and knows how suicidal I have been over the years or that I poop and pee my pants every now and then or that I am even transgendered. They know that I suffered from a nerve injury. They know that I am gay. They know I suffer from depression. They know I have been hospitalized numerous times but they never knew why. This book is the why. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. Part of me just wants to say the hell with the editor and hit send to publish it and another part of me wants to just delete the book. Do all writers feel like this when their baby is finished? Or is it just me because I am a suicide attempt survivor? I don’t know. I never have written a book before now. If anyone reading this can provide some input in the comments, I would be most appreciative.

My therapist thinks it’s a wonderful thing that I have written a book because no one has before. I find that hard to believe. Granted my book deals with a lot of issues and illnesses. I just hope that I can make it coherent enough to explain the different sides that all contributed to my suicidality. My therapist thinks that I should write an Epilogue to say all this stuff. But I think the intro will do that just fine. My only fear right now is that it will be too much for my editor. I don’t think she has dealt with this kind of stuff before. And I am worried that it will overwhelm her and she pulls out an all stop.