Category: transgender

Transgender part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt survivor, transgender

Coming out as transgender II

The original draft of this document is password protected. As most of you know, I very rarely do so. But this time, it is a work in progress and is for the benefit of something I am working on in therapy. I hope that you will respect my privacy in this matter.

As I was writing this piece of work today, I cried. It brought out such strong emotions recapping all that I have been through with my sexuality and being in the wrong body. I didn’t know it was going to hit me so hard. I thought I had dealt with these feelings but apparently I didn’t. Or maybe it was just tears that needed to be let out again because I had held them in for so long.

I have been battling my menses this week because it is the off week that I must do so. Maybe that has me a little more sensitive than I really should be? Coming out as being transgendered has not been easy. Yet, so far, the people who have read my book doesn’t seem to care that I am so. The people who read my blog doesn’t care. One blogger has stated that he thought I was a male all along. I had no clue that I present myself as such. My therapist sees it. But how I view myself is much different than she could ever see.

I am not a cross dresser transgender. I truly believe that I am a male trapped in a female body. And I hate it. I hate myself for not speaking up sooner about it. Now I feel like it is too late to take the steps forward to be a male. It gets me severely depressed. Even more depressing is when someone uses my real name or the wrong pronoun. That really sets off a suicidal trigger in me I didn’t know I had.

Today has been a day that I wish I could hang my head in shame. But instead, I spent most of the day with my niece, babysitting her. She mostly watched TV while I worked on my blogs. And played my Facebook game. I took her to my cousin who is a hairdresser to have her hair cut. That took so long. But I got to know someone from Australia. It was really cool talking to him. I now forget what part of Australia he is from.

Being transgender is not something that I choose to be anymore than a chair is a chair. I am in the wrong body. Plain and simple. I don’t want to be a buff male, just one that has body and facial hair that goes with my gender. Sure I have often wondered if this was all in my head, that all I needed was reverse psychology and I would like being a female but there has been no indication that is going to happen. I have spent all my life being who I am. I think with my male brain. I have male mannerisms. I grow facial hair (though it is not complete). I also wondered if it was because of the hormone disruption that caused me to be a male and not a female. That if I didn’t have that X chromosome, I would have been ok. I will never know. I just know what I feel inside doesn’t match the outside. And it hurts in ways you cannot possibly know.

ramble 072

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Ramble 072

I had my therapy session today. She was overwhelmed with the amount of letters I had written to her while I was in the hospital. We talked a lot about what transpired in the hospital while she was on vacation. I don’t remember if the letters contain what my stay was about, chances are they will give more detail than I can remember.

After my appointment, like my routine goes, I went to Starbucks and actually did write up the short story I wrote while in the hospital. I was hoping to add to it while typing it out but no such luck. I just have a little over 500 words. I don’t even think you can call it an essay.

I forgot how I wrote the short story piece. It was very personal and yet depressing, leaving me feeling like I was boxing myself in on purpose. But it wasn’t clear why I was doing so. Sure, I gave a few reasons but it still wasn’t clear what it was that was causing the pressure to build up, fueling the suicidal feelings and depression that went with it. I know that if I answer this question, I might be able to write a longer piece to place it in my short story book. I am not going to publish it as a blog because I want some part of my book not to be blog entries. Right now, ALL of my second book are blog entries. I know, real original.

I didn’t walk too much today than my normal route to and from Starbucks. I did have to stand a bit while waiting for the bus that was late. It didn’t come till almost 20 minutes later. That is a long time for me to be standing. Luckily, I bumped into a former co-worker and we chatted while we waited for our respective buses. But I guess standing for that length of time, my leg is hurting me. And I still had the block and half walk home from the bus stop. My foot and ankle are swollen like I have been on them all day and they hurt. I just hope it doesn’t keep me up at night like last night and the night before last. I have been waking up in the wee hours of the morning in pain. Last night I waited out my night time meds and I was still up till three in the morning. Luckily, my niece came to my room around 9 to say her good-bye to me. She is leaving for college today and will be now spending time in her dorm. She is not far, she still will be in Boston just not at home so often. I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. I miss her terribly already and she has only been gone since this morning.

I am feeling depressed today but I have forced myself out of the house today and I felt a little better. I was able to get a seat at Starbucks, one with a table for two rather than the large common table to write. I was sitting on the bench side but had to move to the chair because the cushion was like a water bed. Every time someone moved, you moved with it. It was making me seasick. I am glad I forced myself to get out of the house. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it after my therapy appointment because I was down and tired afterwards. Therapy can be draining at times. Though today it wasn’t that bad because I was just getting caught up of what was going on while I was in the hospital. She too frowned at the thought of the case manager (CM) trying to stop me from being a suicidologist. In fact, with me writing another blog for the AAS, I am sure she (the CM) would be having a fit right now. But I am free from her clutches. She just doesn’t understand suicide the way I do. She thinks it is triggering. But really it is not, if you see things in a clinical type of way. And I mostly read professional articles on suicide, not so much people’s blogs about how they attempted to kill themselves or that they are going to kill themselves. I know my blog is about that. But it is my blog and I will write what I WANT. No one is going to tell me what I can or can’t write when it comes to my personal experiences on suicide. I struggle too much with the thoughts to give a damn what people think and if it is too much for them, then go find another blog to read. There are many out there that has nothing to do with suicidal thinking or chronic pain or struggles with being a transgendered person.

In fact, I am struggling right now with the TG issue because I had to stop my birth control pill to have a mense. I was getting too many days of discharge and it had to be done. Supposedly, I am only supposed to go three months on and one week off then continue. I can go for up to four or five months without having to have a break. And I am hating it because I have to wear female clothing and feminine products. Not to mention the bleeding that messes with your mind. But no one understands this except another FTM (female to male) person. I really need to find another transgendered person to talk to about this because it really does a number on me mentally. I know they exist somewhere. So if another blogger knows of one, please comment so I can get to know you, if you are comfortable doing so.

4 July 2014

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor, transgender

4 July 2014

I am feeling better than I was yesterday. I am a lot calmer and not so jittery. Course, I didn’t have coffee today. I was too lazy to clean out the French press. I really didn’t feel like having a cup of coffee today. I slept really late and usually when I do, it’s way past coffee time. If I do have a cup, I will be up all night and last night I was up till 3. I don’t want a repeat of that.

My text numbers are going to be up this month because I am back at getting notifications from the Wheatons. They make me laugh with the stuff they post and I missed hearing what is going on in their lives. Wil has the Wil Wheaton Project and beer brewing going on. I am hoping to get another bottle of Wootstout again because it has chocolate in it!! Last time I tried to get it, I got the very last bottle in the store. I also want to try the Stone brewing Company IPA. They rave a lot about it in their tweets. I am not a beer drinker. Hell, I don’t even know what an IPA is so it will be interesting to try.

Because it’s Friday and the weekend, I don’t have to have a session with my therapist today. I am happy for that. If she ever works on Fridays again, I am setting a limit with her, otherwise, I might end up meeting with her 5 days a week! NO, NO, NO!! Not going to happen. Luckily when she was working Fridays, I had something called work to keep me busy. Now I have nothing.

I talked with a fellow blogger friend last night that helped me calm down enough to get to sleep. I was having a really hard time as thoughts of suicide were rampant in my brain. Even as I woke up this morning, I had thoughts of killing myself. But for the first time ever, I also had visions of being saved. That is weird and never happened before.

My foot is still hurting me. I have resolved to take one pill a day until next week when I can fill my script. This sucks. I have been thinking about going back to the hospital next week but it won’t do me any good. I will just do what I want until they kick me out. I know what to say to get out and I know what to say to stay in, though lately, that has been elusive and doesn’t always work.

I see my pdoc on Monday and I hope my menses are gone by then. It seems I just had a little discharge and that was that. Nothing more has become of it. But this bugger can be tricky and it has fooled me before. It went away for a day and then I was bleeding lightly. I was so fucking annoyed. I still feel like I am on a precipice. If I get my menses, I am afraid it will kill me and if I don’t, I will feel relieved. Trouble is, I am on my last week of pills so the perfect time to skip a week would be now. But that is just inviting the heavens to open up to kill me. I don’t know what to do. I think I should skip the week and then be done with it. Maybe it won’t be so bad and I can handle it. But if the bleeding is bad and I can’t handle it, I am screwed. I already have been having cramps. Not bad or anything, but usually that is not a good sign either. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this that understands and can give me some advice. Next week is going to be tough, either way you look at it.

blog views and self hate

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, transgender, writing

Blog views

Today I hit 25,000 views on this blog and I want to thank all that read it. Without your readership, it would not be successful as it is.

Last night, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t go down the stairs and I wanted a burger so I literally bumshuffled down the stairs to get to my delivery. It was a long wait and just as I was going to call, they called me and said my burger took a “field” trip. I don’t want to know what that means but the guy said he would make a fresh one and it would be on him. It was so good. I need to learn how to peel an avocado. I love them and especially like them in my burger.

I had a crappy sleep. I woke up at 0430 in pain. And it took almost three hours to go back to sleep. I slept for a few hours and then I had to get up. I had to run some errands before my father’s doctor appointment. I finally faxed my forbearance for my student loan so they can stop hounding me. Apparently being on disability is not a “hardship”. UGH. I just am glad they will leave me alone now, least for the next few months.

I really felt suicidal today for the first time in months. I am having severe body image issues. I keep bumping into things with the honkers on my chest and I hate the gap between my little stubble on my face. I really want to get it even so that there is no gap but no matter how much I shave in between, there is no hair growth. I hate it. I just want to be ten feet under. I haven’t thought of a plan to kill myself. I just want to die. No one understands and it hurts so bad to be in the body I am not in. I think if I were male, things would have been different. But no, I am transgender so my life has to be harder. I hate my life. I hate ME, period. I hate living life the way that I am because it is not me and if I am ME no one will accept it. No one will love me, not like many people love me now but still. I have no worth, no purpose. I hate the things on my chest. I wish I could cut them off for good. But I can’t afford it. If I had any brains I would save up for the operation but that is hard to do with disability. Plus, I am not sure I can find a good surgeon in the area that won’t leave me with an infection of some sort. Hospitals are breeding grounds for bugs these days. I am tired of fighting with my mind over this matter. It is time to put the matter to rest and the only way I know to do that is to plan my death. It is what I do best.