Tag: back pain

One Goal Accomplished

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

One goal accomplished

I finally was able to take a shower at the expense of taking out my back. The temp jumped to 58 degrees and I felt it. Now I am not doing anything. I am going to have to cancel my babysitting duties tonight because I just can’t sit without pain. I feel better, a little bit, emotionally after the shower. I felt like I accomplished something on this dreary day.

I keep thinking about my ex-friend and how she said I had some nerve calling her sick. I said no such thing. I said she needed help and she should get it before she harmed herself. She then proceeded to tell me how bad a person I was. I actually tried to get support from my support group because it got me so upset and one person said I shouldn’t have said that. WTF. I deleted the post. It was getting me no where. So much for a support group. But then, this group is very judgmental. I think I need to find another support group.

I still feel like there is a heaviness on my chest. I am glad I am seeing my psychiatrist next week. She finally got back to me with an appointment. I am going to ask her for some sertraline. I know my mood isn’t so black physically but the mental side, I am fearful of another suicidal depression. My appetite today has been better than it has been all week. The heaviness is what worries me. It always keeps me weighed down and struggling for air. It’s also making feel like bawling.

All I want to eat for supper is a bowl of cereal and we are out of milk. I’d walk to the store and get some but my back will kill me. I should have gone earlier but I was too weighed down with the black dog. Maybe tomorrow I will have my cereal. It’s been almost three weeks that I have been craving it but because my appetite has been so poor, I just couldn’t eat it. Maybe I can borrow some from my sister.

I have been wearing my progressive glasses for most of the week. I have noticed that I am seeing better with them on than wearing the single vision. For the first time ever, I was able to read with them on. It could be that I was reading a tablet and not a book, but I still read. I filled out the doctor’s form for my loans. A doc was supposed to fill it out but because the doc doesn’t know me, I figure I help her out some. I will bring a blank on with me just in case when I see her, if I can’t get what I need from SSD.

I hate it when my thoughts are slow. It’s taken me over two hours to write this blog. I just feel so out of it. I just plan on laying low the rest of the evening and maybe finish a book tonight. That is, if my thoughts cooperate with me. I haven’t felt this way since I was doped up on trilafon in the hospital. It’s awful when your thoughts are moving at a turtle pace.

Back goes out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression

Somehow I woke up on my back and it hurt so bad. I could stand up or do anything. I was down for the count. I have been sleeping all day from my pain meds. I was supposed to do an errand for my mother but that got curtailed because my father needed me.

I am still feeling depressed. I ate today. My mother made some escarole soup. I didn’t finish it but it was good. I’m still feeling out of it because of the meds. I just hope I don’t have to go to the ER with my father.

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brazil Coffee, Cauda Equina Syndrome, and Other Things

I had a rotten night of sleep. I really wanted to go out today but I hadn’t shower in days. There was no way I could shower when I couldn’t stand for more than ten minutes, much less walking to the bus stop and then stand waiting for it. So I nixed the idea and made coffee at home. I am glad I did. I am loving my Brazil coffee. Sadly, I have just one bag left of this nectar of the Gods. Starbucks doesn’t sell it anymore. But I am glad to have it either way as it tastes so damn good.

The reason for my back being a bitch is because the temp shot up 20 degrees. It’s nearly 56 degrees. Yesterday, it was in the thirties. The temp is supposed to be stable over the next day or so. I am hoping that I can sneak a shower in and not have my back go crazy on me. Just making coffee I was hurting. I kept having to sit down soon as I got up. This is no way to live.

I posted on Facebook that no one understands and two of my closest friends responded. They know what it is like living in chronic pain as they live with it themselves. It really takes someone to know and understand what you go through if they go through it themselves. One of my CES members of my group is having a hard time with this. He is having backlash from family members about his taking medication and not being himself anymore. It’s hard being the person you were when your life gets torn upside down with Cauda Equina Syndrome. It doesn’t help when you have no support other than members of the same condition. I went on a rant on Twitter. If he had diabetes, I bet they wouldn’t tell him he needed to be off his insulin or what ever he was taking to control his sugar. I don’t get why some people just don’t get that a medical condition is just that no matter what the cause of it is. It drives me up the wall. And if there is the stigma with CES, you can only imagine the stigma attached if you are depressed because you are no longer the person you once was.

It makes me sad because I have a good friend that will be getting a divorce soon because her husband said that she isn’t the person he married anymore. WTF. It pisses me off because what happened to the vow, for better or worse, and in sickness and health? People just don’t take their marriage vows seriously anymore. Not all people are like that. I have known some people who keep their vows and are still together despite the disability CES brings. I am glad I am single and I don’t have to deal with relationship stuff. It would be such a strain because I wouldn’t be able to be there financially to my partner nor physically. I have become such a loner that I hate being away from my room more than a couple of hours. It’s fine if I am have a doctor’s appointment or something. But for the most part, I rather just stay home and in my room.

Since my back pain has been really bad, my ankle has been behaving. Last night I thought there was going to be competition between the two but I headed it off by taking my pain meds. Seems I have been taking them around the clock to avoid being in pain. The downside of this is that I am tired all the time. Even with drinking coffee, I feel sleepy. I must have woken up three times last night between 0100 and 0600. I really can’t wait for the temps to level off because I really don’t want to move with pain. It’s one thing for my ankle to hurt. Sure it drives me up a wall, too. But not being able to move my trunk, to not being able to bend down, or to just put on a pair of slippers is difficult.

I didn’t make pancakes today. I just couldn’t stand long enough to make them. I keep trying. Maybe I will mix all the dry ingredients together and then tomorrow add the wet ingredients so there will be less work for me. There really isn’t that many ingredients to making pancakes from scratch. With oatmeal, there are seven, regular six. I have been making pancakes from scratch since I was young and I have a good memory (for now). While I was up early this morning, I had breakfast of pop tarts. It’s my last one so I will need to make a grocery order next week. I was hoping to avoid it but it seems I need one. I need my cereal and other items. I was going to go to the store but why do that when I can go online? Much faster and easier. And no lines, no waiting.

Sleepy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy Friday

I didn’t get enough rest most of the week so I think today made up for it. Plus my back has been on and off cramping and in pain. I wanted to make pancakes for breakfast but I couldn’t stand up straight so I made an egg burrito instead. I planned on making the pancakes for lunch but that never happened. I am not even hungry and it’s close to dinner time. My mother will be making fish.

I still think my back is out of sorts because of the damn weather. It keeps fluctuating between 10-15 degrees, enough to cause havoc on me. My ever so understanding mother, keeps telling me to get a back brace, like that is going to solve the problem. I didn’t tell her my back was the reason I was sleeping all day or why I didn’t go out. She just doesn’t fucking getting and I am tired of explaining myself to a dead horse.

I found out today that Harper Lee passed away today. I am glad she wrote her second book before she died. I had read “To Kill a Mockingbird” in high school. It was a very good book.

I sent out my last blog to my psychiatrist but omitted the last paragraph. I don’t know if she read it or not as I haven’t heard from her. I was hoping she would be back in the office this week but I guess not. I hope her family member is not deathly ill. I will feel really sad.

I started writing a therapy journal in one of the composition notebooks that I have. I am going to record each session after they happen just so I know what goes on. Then I can blog about it, if I choose. I had the idea that it might work so that I can remember more of what happens in therapy as soon as I hang up, my thoughts go out the window. For once, I would like to jot down my thoughts and see where they lead.

I had taken a Zyrtec D pill yesterday because I thought it would help with this damn congestion that I have. Wrong. It helped relieve the sinus pressure a little bit but now I am all clogged up again and can’t breathe through my nose. I can’t use Afrin because I don’t have an airway to breathe in the medicine. I just have to wait and I am getting impatient. But my nose is running just fine with mucus, despite being clogged. I guess I rather have it in the front of my throat than in my back. If it was the reverse, I might be puking/gagging. I want something warm, like a hot chocolate or tea. Maybe when I go back downstairs, I will make it. I have been wanting a hot chocolate all day.

I can’t wait till Monday. I have the meeting with my NP and I hope she can give me something for this. My ears have been off with all this congestion. Last night it was so bad I was contemplating going to the urgent care center they have by Walgreens. It just opened up a month or two ago. But I haven’t been feeling good to walk anyways, even though I would love a Mountain Dew right now. I hope my back is better tomorrow so I can go out and maybe get a latte.